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Is anyone really coping?
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amother
Violet


 

Post Tue, Oct 30 2018, 2:28 pm
I was talking to a friend the other day and I couldn't believe how much she has to do. I told her I don't know how she manages she said "who said I manage? Lots of things that are important fall through the cracks. Most women are not really managing!" I know this is true for me. Is this how most Jewish women are feeling? Are we all desperately trying to keep all the balls in the air but constantly dropping something crucial? My suspicion is that the line between those of us who are drowning and those who are still afloat probably comes down to money. I think I would be ok if I had more money for househould help and tutors and babysitting etc. But maybe not? I'm curious how many of us feel like we are really not managing.
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amother
Ivory


 

Post Tue, Oct 30 2018, 2:36 pm
most of the time, I feel like I'm not managing. if I feel like I am, it is an illusion that is quickly shattered. mother to 4, full-time work, part-time school and cutting corners everywhere to save costs. no family nearby and can't afford more help (have a bit more than the minimum I need to work)
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amother
Rose


 

Post Tue, Oct 30 2018, 2:36 pm
I don't think I am managing but I don't think more money would help me manage. More money would mean more managing to manage the help
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rachelmom1




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 30 2018, 2:37 pm
I'm always thinking the same thing. Deep down I know that money won't solve many of my problems. I'm overwhelmed many times... Money can't buy happiness or a positive attitude. Those ingredients would help me more than money.
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amother
Sapphire


 

Post Tue, Oct 30 2018, 2:38 pm
have only one child ,still not managing, no idea how people do it
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southernbubby




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 30 2018, 2:39 pm
amother wrote:
I was talking to a friend the other day and I couldn't believe how much she has to do. I told her I don't know how she manages she said "who said I manage? Lots of things that are important fall through the cracks. Most women are not really managing!" I know this is true for me. Is this how most Jewish women are feeling? Are we all desperately trying to keep all the balls in the air but constantly dropping something crucial? My suspicion is that the line between those of us who are drowning and those who are still afloat probably comes down to money. I think I would be ok if I had more money for househould help and tutors and babysitting etc. But maybe not? I'm curious how many of us feel like we are really not managing.



I never managed but they grew up despite that.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 30 2018, 2:40 pm
I manage about 5 to 10 minutes of the day. The rest of time - well - look at my user name!
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amother
Blue


 

Post Tue, Oct 30 2018, 2:41 pm
Well, I feel definitely like I'm drowning. Or being ripped downhill by an avalanche, by forces outside mt control. And things do fall by the side - paperwork and administrative stuff. I lose money every month because I have no energy left to deal with it.
And the house looks like the inside of a dumpster.
I've got no cleaning help and baby sitters only 1-2 times a year.
I feel like a horrible house keeper and a horrible mother but maybe others really cope better because they have more help.
Oh, and I'm working outside the house, of course.
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amother
Aubergine


 

Post Tue, Oct 30 2018, 2:46 pm
I have help twice a week for two hours. During the two hours she’s in my home I feel like I’m managing, the rest of the week I feel like I’m being pulled in a million directions and simply can’t keep up no matter how hard I try.
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jewishmom6




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 30 2018, 2:47 pm
amother wrote:
Well, I feel definitely like I'm drowning. Or being ripped downhill by an avalanche, by forces outside mt control. And things do fall by the side - paperwork and administrative stuff. I lose money every month because I have no energy left to deal with it.
And the house looks like the inside of a dumpster.
I've got no cleaning help and baby sitters only 1-2 times a year.
I feel like a horrible house keeper and a horrible mother but maybe others really cope better because they have more help.
Oh, and I'm working outside the house, of course.


that sounds tough! Just curious, how many kids do you have?
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amother
Magenta


 

Post Tue, Oct 30 2018, 2:47 pm
I think that people who tell themselves that no one is managing, or no one is really happy, or everyone has huge problems we don’t know about are using it as a coping mechanism. One of my aunts blurted out a while back “is there anyone who doesn’t wake up every morning with a pit in her stomach?” I bit my lips. She probably has anxiety.
Yes I cope. Not always. There are days and months that I’m in survival mode, like when I’m in late pregnancy or traveling or after a loss. But in general I do.
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heidi




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 30 2018, 2:47 pm
I manage. But probably not up to most of the standards people here live by.
My laundry is done by me and folded by my house cleaner. Same for sheets. Shirts too, I wash but send them out to be ironed.
I work 3/4 time. I always make supper. But, my pantry is disorganized and needs a really good scrubbing. Ditto for fridge, freezer, behind the oven and most of the drawers in mine and my children's bedrooms. House cleaner comes twice a week for a few hours so I give her one major job like the fridge every few times.
Having the money for help plus occasional pizza or take out definitely helps.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 30 2018, 2:49 pm
Why do you think it’s only a Jewish thing? Read any secular women’s mag and you’ll see that virtually all women with young children feel as if they’re drowning, whether or.not they work outside the home but more so if they do.

Many of us create our own pressures by trying to be all things to all people at the same time. IMHO elaborate Shabbos meals with three kugels and four desserts are the territory of childless couples and empty nesters who actually enjoy that kind of patchkerei, not moms of young children and not women who don’t enjoy patchkerei. Ditto the fancy mishloach manot, themed bday parties, labor-intensive hairdos for little girls, and all the other unnecessary “enhancements” we get involved with.

Running a household and keeping one’s family safe, decently clothed, nutritiously fed, and up-to-date at the dentist is hard enough without making things more complicated than they need to be.
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jewishmom6




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 30 2018, 2:50 pm
heidi wrote:
I manage. But probably not up to most of the standards people here live by.
My laundry is done by me and folded by my house cleaner. Same for sheets. Shirts too, I wash but send them out to be ironed.
I work 3/4 time. I always make supper. But, my pantry is disorganized and needs a really good scrubbing. Ditto for fridge, freezer, behind the oven and most of the drawers in mine and my children's bedrooms. House cleaner comes twice a week for a few hours so I give her one major job like the fridge every few times.
Having the money for help plus occasional pizza or take out definitely helps.


same here. besides that I do all the cleaning myself so real organization for cabinets dont happen - I dont have enough patience for that.
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Mommy1:)




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 30 2018, 2:51 pm
Perhaps that depends on how each of us defines "managing" or "coping". It sounds like everyone does the best they can to deal with the hand they were given. Isn't that Managing? Isn't that Coping?

I take it one day at a time, and work hard to accept that I'm human. I did stop watching movies and shows, that helps me find the time accomplish more, and put my kids on a strict bedtime schedule so I can do housework and prep for the next day once they're in bed, but I still take time to unwind and 'indulge' in self-care. I'm not a perfect housewife, and I work full time, but at the moment I'm happy with the level of housekeeping etc that I do 'manage' to accomplish.

Also distributing work and chores is key. Even if it's as simple as each kid cleaning up their own breakfast and dinner dishes, putting away the homework and toys, and putting their dirty laundry in the pile to launder. That saves me a good 30 minutes a day minimum.

I think it's also important to look at the things I do accomplish every day and pat myself on the back for them. Even if it's only 1 load of dishes and clearing off the table, (on a day when everyone is sick and bedtime is a wreck and the schedule is off), I still tell myself that I did good given the circumstances.
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amother
Violet


 

Post Tue, Oct 30 2018, 2:51 pm
amother wrote:
More money would mean more managing to manage the help


This is what I sometimes think too. It would probably just add a higher standard to adhear to. If I had more money I would have no excuse not to dress better, fix my sheitel, lose weight(like get a personal trainer) keep the house nice etc. Even those I truly WISH I had the money to do those things, I do realize that it would still be exhausting to keep everything up. But I still would rather that problem than the no money problem. Wink
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tweety1




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 30 2018, 2:55 pm
After one of my kids I met a cousin who asked me so how do you manage? So I told her "I have to manage? She said absolutely not. We're not mangers! We do have to cope for our mental well being. But manage? That's an entire different territory. I don't always "cope", either 5 out of the 7 days usually I do. But my body reacts every time I have a difficult era going on. Exp my baby had an ear infection last week so for those 5 days I wasn't sleeping, this week my body reacted and I'm sick with some bug, y"t time I got some horrible bug too so that's also a time where forget abt managing but even coping I don't.
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amother
Lime


 

Post Tue, Oct 30 2018, 3:10 pm
Either the mom is a stay at home or has lots of help to run a clean stable house and look good. I cope with lots of help, but I have big house. Without the help, I would close off half the house like I did when my kids were infants.
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amother
Orchid


 

Post Tue, Oct 30 2018, 3:10 pm
Drowning here. I have no household help at all. I work from home, DH is in full-time kollel and has a night job and gets home very late, and we have 11 kids. I'm constantly dropping balls, though I try to make sure they're housework related and not childcare related.
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ectomorph




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 30 2018, 3:11 pm
I am managing. But I'm very good at making sure I have a support system even if not family. My hubby reorganized his schedule so that one time a week I can socialize.
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