Is anyone really coping?

amother

Silver

Tue, Oct 30 2018, 4:48 pm

like most here are saying, depends what you call coping.
I for one know that I'm very hard on myself. I have 3 kids under age of 4 and work full time. I do all the drop offs and pickups and have cleaning help on once a wk for 2 hours.

I always need my toys put away and sinks emtpy at end of day. laundry must be folded whiting a day otherwise I go crazy that my drawers are emtpy.

I'm also runnign on hardly any sleep since I stay up late to do these things and am waking for my baby 2-3 times a night.

but compared to some of my friends that cut a ton more corners than I do , I'd say I'm managing but don't have a second to take of myself Crying

Once my baby goes to sleep at a normal hour which I'm workign very hard on, then maybe I'd says I'm going great Very Happy

amother

Babypink

Tue, Oct 30 2018, 4:48 pm

I always have the feeling like I don't manage but somehow I do manage to get everything done that needs to get done. It surprises me. Whenever I complain to my mom that everything is growing over my head she's like... But you did everything you needed to do this week didn't you? And yes.. somehow everything's done. So maybe that's just a feeling.. I don't know. It helps me to write everything down, literally everything I need to do: breakfast, school, home, laundry, paperwork, cook, work.. etc

Whenever I do that and I cross off the things that I accomplished I feel so much better and I feel like I haven't lost control over my life

enjoying kids

Tue, Oct 30 2018, 7:34 pm

Absolutely it's about money. I work in a profession that allows me to choose my hours. When my hours go up, my level of managing goes down. When my hours go down, my level of managing goes up... unfortunately, this is usually not financially viable. Ideal for me would be working 10-15 hours plus paperwork.

amother

Violet

Wed, Oct 31 2018, 12:03 am

Perhaps that depends on how each of us defines "managing" or "coping". It sounds like everyone does the best they can to deal with the hand they were given. Isn't that Managing? Isn't that Coping?

That's an interesting way of looking at it. I do feel like I'm managing/coping extraordinarily well considering my life's circumstances. But it still doesn't mean that important crucial things are not falling by the wayside. I'm not talking about super woman stuff. My kids often don't get the hw help or therapy they need because time and money is so tight. Im always tired and don't have time to take care of myself. I often skip davening because my day is so hectic. I have no energy to be with my husband intimately because at the end of the day I'm just so burnt out. The house is often so messy that Im embarrassed to have anyone over. This is what I mean by not coping. If you knew my medical/personal/emotional/financial background you would probably think I'm amazing for all the balls I DO keep in the air, but still it's hard to congratulate yourself when so many basics are falling by the wayside.

ra_mom

Wed, Oct 31 2018, 12:16 am

Cope: deal effectively with something difficult.
Manage: succeed in surviving or in attaining one's aims, especially against heavy odds; cope.

I think everybody juggles. And that can mean that sometimes you catch the balls and sometimes you don't. Most of the time people catch the most important balls and let other balls fall if they can't juggle all at once. Smile

amother

Chocolate

Wed, Oct 31 2018, 7:25 am

I think I'm coping fine. House is clean most of the time, kids always have snacks and clothes and homework taken care of. Kids get bathed and linengets changed regularly. Dinners I plan in advance and always something ready when the kids get home. I work full time and dh works full time+. We have three under age 6. BH I try to stay organized and of course it's easier when kids have school and aren't on break.

ectomorph

Wed, Oct 31 2018, 8:21 am

amother wrote:

I admire you!!

amother

Plum

Wed, Oct 31 2018, 8:29 am

coping is pretty subjective. I know my house... might not be up to some posters standards here but as long as my standards are met I'm ok with that. Its more am I taking care of my kids that gets to me. right now I have a kid who seems to be "maintaining" with the medications... she' s on but I feel like she could be doing so much better if we were more proactive. right now I'm right after a baby but I'll feel like I'm managing a lot better when I can get back to actively trying to find a treatment that will help her more.

amother

Turquoise

Wed, Oct 31 2018, 9:05 am

amother wrote:

Money can solve a whole host of problems, but not all of them.

IMO, money solves 80 percent of the problems and therefore helps immensely with coping.

When we had money and afforded full time cleaning help, I definitely coped and managed. I was able to take care of all of us very easily.

Shopping? No need to search for sale items. I just walked into any high end store and bought whatever I liked and done with that.

Cleaning? All was explained to the cleaning lady in about 2 weeks and from there mostly she did all herself.

Sitter? No problem at all. For the right pay I was able to get the best.

Medical issues? I was able to afford the best and therefore got best results.

Transportation? With a good car that is comfortable and doesn't break down, everything takes faster and doesn't leave you exhausted.

Need a gift fast? Asked my shopper to get it for me.

Needed to make a wedding? Well mostly all got done by my shopper! Who got me the true best, hence her experience.

Having lots of company over? I hired a waiter (and yes, the cleaning lady did most cooking).

And more than anything: That wonderful feeling of being able to help others financially.. There is just nothing like it!

When we lost all money and was/still am poor.. Well I do cope but I feel it's costing me my health due to being overworked all the time, my social life and I wish my brain would have the space so that I could be an even better mother ( even if I'm good ). It's really hard.

I repeat: MONEY is what makes the difference!

ectomorph

Wed, Oct 31 2018, 9:22 am

amother wrote:

I never heard of a personal shopper.

Are you poor now or you just can't afford the extravagance you listed?

amother

Turquoise

Wed, Oct 31 2018, 10:13 am

ectomorph wrote:

I never heard of a personal shopper.

Are you poor now or you just can't afford the extravagance you listed?

Poor now. Really poor.. Luckily I come from a healthy poor home so I can navigate this challenge. I think others with no history would have gone off their minds

amother

Indigo

Wed, Oct 31 2018, 10:40 am

Yes for me it comes down to money.

I am not managing only bec I'm overworked. I need to be a tutor to my kids (I would hire if I had money) I need to clean, look for sales, etc...

If I had money to hire help I'd manage bec I work full time and have to do all other "hats" myself so I don't get enough sleep now I'm sick and am still at work feeling drained.

Realistically, if there's money to hire help, it means I would have less to do and more time to focus on the most important things plus I'd have more time to get decent amount of sleep to build my immune system to fight illness. Its that simple, money allows ppl to get the help they need so that they can manage and cope with real life challenges.

I wish I had enough money so I don't have to work and wish I could hire help buy healthy food get enough sleep etc I'm very organized and am very good at getting a lot done in a short amount of time but there's only so much one person can do. This has nothing to do with being drum as I don't pressure myself to "keep with the Jones" and don't overdo it for shabbos meals or...(actually without shabbos I'd probably have to do more work projects for my boss ).

Its all about money for me. In shiurim by rebbetzins and rabbis they say, get help wen have young kids well, u need money for that.

amother

Navy

Wed, Oct 31 2018, 10:46 am

amother wrote:

I think that people who tell themselves that no one is managing, or no one is really happy, or everyone has huge problems we don’t know about are using it as a coping mechanism. One of my aunts blurted out a while back “is there anyone who doesn’t wake up every morning with a pit in her stomach?” I bit my lips. She probably has anxiety.
Yes I cope. Not always. There are days and months that I’m in survival mode, like when I’m in late pregnancy or traveling or after a loss. But in general I do.

You're 100% right. But one question, Do you work?

I don't think people that work can compare themselves to people that don't work.

and there are different levels of work, not everyone's work is created equal.

amother

Violet

Wed, Oct 31 2018, 11:02 am

amother wrote:

I could have written this post. Especially about having to be the tutor and can't afford healthy food and getting sick but still needing to work. Hug

All I can say is Hashem sees.