1st x pg looking for advice....

amother

Mon, Nov 26 2007, 8:32 am

Hi e/o! So basically im posting in this forum to help "ease my fears" and chill me out (hopefully). Im expecting my first child (!!!), and I guess im not technically "working" b/c im in medical school and thus not getting paid. I didnt know where else to post this, and I was scared if I posted it in the pregnancy forum, Id get answers from ppl like "just drop out of school" or "youre out of your mind" or "youre setting urself up 2 b a bad mom from day 1" etc, and that is not what I need to hear nor what I think or believe.

Anyway, what I'm really scared about is finding a FRUM full-time babysitter. I How hard is finding one? Im very concerned about this already. I DONT want some sort of baby day care or infant playgroup. I want someone who can take care of my child, and focus my attn only on my child. I also DONT want our child learning spanish/polish/portugese/korean etc etc before english. B'h, $ isnt an issue.

I know some ppl might be thinking, "why are you thinking about this months in advance," and the reason is b/c I have NO CLUE how long it takes to find one, and I don't want to run into problems and have to take off more time from school than I already will be. Im sure my parents and in laws will help to the best of their ability, but we dont really live that close to my parents or my husband's so thats probably only an option in the short-term.

ANY advice would be greatly appreciated! Kol Tuv!

Ruchel

Mon, Nov 26 2007, 8:45 am

OF COURSE you are very wise to look for it months in advance. In France, if you want a place in a nursery, you start looking as soon as the preg test is positive...
Depending on your country, it will be more or less difficult. Do you have something like a Shabbat Bureau (where you search for a job or someone who is shomer shabbat) in your country? Can you ask the closest rebbetzin?

mummiedearest

Mon, Nov 26 2007, 8:52 am

bshaah tova, first of all.

I stay home with my kids, but I'll be happy to give some advice. start looking now. I don't know where you live, but you need time to sift through people. you need to interview people, know what you want from a babysitter (do you need her to wash your dishes, bottles, clean, or just deal with baby all day?)
work out a schedule as soon as possible so you can present it to the people you interview. you also need a backup babysitter in case yours gets sick.

see if you can organize your home now, at least in your mind. keep in mind that the babysitter will need easy access to certain things. also, it couldn't hurt to babyproof your home early.

good luck on this.

amother

Mon, Nov 26 2007, 8:53 am

OP here, thanks for all the quick responses!!

Its not like were living in Little Rock AK or Tulsa OK. We live in Baltimore. I [I]know [/I]back in Bklyn it could be found really easily, but coming from NY, Baltimore DOES seem much smaller to me! so I dont know...am I gonna have major problems finding one? My mother has no clue...she knows how things work in NY and things work pretty seamlessly there in terms of finding help. I dont know about here. All I have right now is a cleaning lady 1x/wk. Now Im starting to wish I had just pushed harder at the school I wanted to go to back home. But my husband got a great internship offer here so we made the move...

amother

Mon, Nov 26 2007, 8:55 am

[quote="mummiedearest"]bshaah tova, first of all.

I stay home with my kids, but I'll be happy to give some advice. start looking now. I don't know where you live, but you need time to sift through people. you need to interview people, know what you want from a babysitter (do you need her to wash your dishes, bottles, clean, or just deal with baby all day?)
[/quote]
WOW thanks for the advice! But HOW many months into pregnancy do you think I should start looking? I dont want to post anything abt how far along I am (not something we talk abt in my fam EVER), but just curious - should I start looking 1 mo b4 or 6??? you know what I mean?

Hashem_Yaazor

Mon, Nov 26 2007, 10:34 am

Are you looking for care in or out of the home? You can PM me. I live in Baltimore, and work full time. I am now using my second sitter ever (the first my older son outgrew, but I would still recommend her).
If you want to email me so I won't know your s/n, post here, and I will make an anonymous email account.
I don't think in Baltimore you have a problem with finding place for a newborn. I only started looking after my first was born, and maternity leave was about 6 weeks.

amother

Mon, Nov 26 2007, 10:45 am

Hashem_Yaazor wrote:

Op here. thanks alot Smile

I really ONLY want in the home. It already pains me to know that I will be leaving my child with someone else all week, I dont want to have to worry about what another persons home is filled with...if their kids/ husband/ roomates were sick...if theyre as backside abt cleaning as me, etc. Thats why I'm scared. Im sure "finding a place" wouldnt pose a problem, IF I were ok with "sharing" a babysitter w/ a few other ppl, or dropping my kid off at someones house every day...some sort of infant playgroup or s/t...which im not. Im sure I could also pay my cleaning lady to just stay by me all day 5d/wk but we REALLY want a frum person. I dont think I will have 6 wks off, right now, I think it will be about 3 or 4 (one of which is definitely gonna b spent in ny). Do you have a frum babysitter right now? Should I just chill out?
Thanks in adv!

Hashem_Yaazor

Mon, Nov 26 2007, 11:11 am

I only use frum sitters, but I don't have in-home care.
I hear your concerns about someone else's house.

I just want to warn you that at-home care is considerably more expensive, and if you don't have a backup (if she gets sick), it can be a bit nerve-wracking (I would suggest having a backup out of the home for these scenarios).

Would you want a personal sitter at home, or potentially split with someone else in a similar situation? I can ask someone I know who did have at-home care for a reference (as her kids got older, she stopped as they needed more stimulation at playgroups and such).

I don't know how far along you are, so I don't know if you are anonymous so people don't know your location (in which case, if you PM me, don't worry as I can keep a secret Wink

) or because you're early in pregnancy (in which case you have time to contact me) or both Wink

When I do have info, I will B"N post and we can either communicate via PM or anonymous email account...

B'shaah Tova!

Also, what does your husband do? If he's in kollel or at a workplace with other frum people, can he ask his friends?

amother

Mon, Nov 26 2007, 11:32 am

OP here, thanks for your reply...
so just to respond to e/t -
A) Im definitely aware that its more expensive! B'h financially, its not an issue. I appreciate ur suggestion abt a "back up" which is another thing for me to stress about - I havent even found a babysitter yet, and now I have to find a back up? We dont have any family here, so its not like I can drop s/o off at a sister/sil/mother/mil/cousin/second cousin/tenth cousin etc!!
B) I never really thought abt splitting w/ someone else, I wouldnt mind I guess, but again, in my home only. Im admant abt that. If they wanted to split the cost "unvevenly" (with me paying more of course), and have their kid hang out at my home, as long as it was s/o I met and could trust, I wouldnt mind; I actually think developmentally it could be beneficial later in the yr. Please do post if you find out abt the woman who had in home care. ..Thanks!
C) as far as my anon posts - My LOCATION is baltimore, I said that above. I can be more specific if thats what you mean like in terms of neighborhood or whatever. But I guess its more just not talking abt pg whatsoever, in person, on phone, online etc, so I dont want to publicize my name (even just an imamother name lol)
D) No, DH doesnt work for any Jewish company. He asked some friends in shul and ner yisroel a WHILE ago (said "just thinking far in adv...my wife is in school f/t and were not from here..." ppl just recommended playgroups and whatnot. And one guy recommended I just quit school now "while im ahead." And I asked a few neighbors myself BEFORE I was pg (woudnt dare ask now), just to kinda test the waters. I think they all just kinda thought I was wasting $ and kept trying to "help" by suggesting more "economical" things I can do when the x comes --> playgroup, playgroup, playgroup, daycare, drop out of school, but nothing that fits what im looking for.

Thanks in adv for your help!!

Hashem_Yaazor

Mon, Nov 26 2007, 11:46 am

Ok.... 1)I would post on luach.com as spoken above since it is used quite a bit by baltimorians. Both for people willing to sit, as well as anyone who would be interested in splitting with you
2)about location and anonymity, I just meant if you didn't want your SN to be associated with a location. That's all Smile

After I speak to my friend, I'll post here and arrange anonymous email or whatever
3)that's tough when no one really understands your wishes Sad

Most people in kollel don't have in-home care, as economics is a major factor, but I do know some who did (different circumstances than yours though). So I will contact those people and get back to you Smile

amother

Mon, Nov 26 2007, 12:03 pm

Hashem_Yaazor wrote:

Ok.... 1)I would post on luach.com as spoken above since it is used quite a bit by baltimorians. Both for people willing to sit, as well as anyone who would be interested in splitting with you

I did that a few hrs ago!! Now I guess I just need to wait for responses!! And I hope the responders arent disappointed when I tell them, um, hi this isnt for a FEW more months...Im just trying to be organized....I didnt say in my post this is for X months from now, b/c I figured less ppl would respond.

Hashem_Yaazor wrote:

2)about location and anonymity, I just meant if you didn't want your SN to be associated with a location. That's all Smile

After I speak to my friend, I'll post here and arrange anonymous email or whatever

Oh! lol, no, I dont mind...If I were in Bklyn Id mind, but I dont even know enough people in baltimore for a/o to begin guessing who I am! lol!

Hashem_Yaazor wrote:

3)that's tough when no one really understands your wishes Sad

Thanks ALOT. You really are amazing. Thanks for caring and for understanding. I cant believe the amazing responses ive gotten on this forum. It is unbelievably tough when ppl dont understand. Its our life, our home, and this is what we want. I feel bad for people who cant afford what Im trying to find and really want it, but I dont think their response should be "why are you going to school anyway? you'll b a better mother if you just quit now." a) its not your business and b) dont you think that I have enough guilt and fear and bad feelings to grapple with? What Im doing isnt easy, but saying things like that just makes me more upset. Thank you SO much and have a great day!!!

btMOMtoFFBs

Mon, Nov 26 2007, 12:36 pm

amother, is there anyone in Baltimore you'd feel comfortable asking for a personal reference for a babysitter? A Rebbetzin or he wife of someone connected to Ner Israel? I feel its very important to get personal references for a babysitter in your home. Maybe a special Rebbetzin or Kollel wife at NI would be sensitive to you not talking about being pg, but can perhaps give you tips and references for babysitting arrangements.

I think you're smart to start the process of looking before the baby is born, you will have time to really focus on finding the right person.

Hatzlacha and b'Shaah Tova.