How to deal with kids still up when you're ready to relax

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Yellow

Wed, Oct 31 2018, 9:52 pm

I don't know what to do.
I wake up in the dark, before 6 AM, to start to get myself together before I wake up the kids for school at 6:30. I need to be on top of them for the next 35 minutes till the bus because they are so lethargic and out of it in the morning, they are incapable of making the bus if I don't prod them along every step of the way.
Then I finish getting ready for work and go to my stressful job.
After work/school I do dinner and homework.
By 9 PM I am totally wiped. I want to relax on the computer, or watch a video clip, while eating a nosh. Or I want to actually talk to my husband privately about whatever. I want mom time to be over so I can unwind.
Problem is, my oldest kid is still up and wanting me to still be in mommy mode.
Tonight she was still working on homework at 9:30 PM (because earlier in the evening she was doing an assignment with a friend on the phone and I kept having to redirect her from chatting about nonsense and actually focusing on the work) and asking me to help her with reading comprehension questions that would require me to either read the chapter myself or have her re-tell it to me, and I was in no mood for that. I actually snapped at her to leave me alone, which I feel bad about. But I have had all the years of my children being alive of having at least some time in the evening to myself. Now that my oldest is older and not ready for bedtime at the same time as her younger siblings am I doomed to having no chance to relax whatsoever?????
I cannot deal with this new stage. I'm gonna lose it.

Woman of Valor

Wed, Oct 31 2018, 9:56 pm

Can you tell her that after 9pm you aren't available to study with her, and you'd be happy to do so before 9? Then she can make the choice to study with her friend later and with you earlier

amother

Smokey

Wed, Oct 31 2018, 9:59 pm

I'm having that exact issue with my youngest who is still at home and we take her phone at night before bedtime so I feel we can't unwind until we get her phone and by then we are usually zonked.

Not easy this parenting thing...

amother

Ginger

Wed, Oct 31 2018, 10:16 pm

This is one of the most challenging parts of parenting. Wait til there are a few teens, then it becomes all night parties, people rummaging for food til all hours of the night messing up your clean kitchen, noise and phone calls til midnight, etc.

Sorry to be the bearer of reality.

amother

Apricot

Wed, Oct 31 2018, 10:55 pm

My mom locked herself into her room every single night by 9:30, that is with 4 teenagers! You can tell your daughter that once you go to your room you wont be available to help her out.

amother

Honeydew

Wed, Oct 31 2018, 11:15 pm

amother wrote:

My mom locked herself into her room every single night by 9:30, that is with 4 teenagers! You can tell your daughter that once you go to your room you wont be available to help her out.

I also go into my room and leave the door open. Kids see I am off duty but available. They generally don't bother me except if it is important as they see I am relaxing. They do say goodnight if I am still awake.

Kids know better than to mess up the kitchen.

erm

Thu, Nov 01 2018, 12:38 am

I had a rule that my older dd was able to stay up as long as she wanted but she had to stay on her room by 9:30. It worked for a while but now the she is in high school, she follows me around, talking to me, until 1am. I know I should be grateful that a teenager wants to talk to her mother but I have a problem going to sleep when I know someone is up in the house. Some of my younger ones are up at 6am. It has become a major challenge for me. I totally feel for you.

Zehava

Thu, Nov 01 2018, 12:39 am

Firstly you seem more involved than necessary in your kids lives. The whole prodding in the morning and redirecting your daughters conversations is just taking responsibility off them and transferring it to you. That alone would be enough to stress you out!
As for having your space, I suggest having a small couch or two recliners in your bedroom, as well as a sound machine if talking outside bothers you. You definitely have the right to call it a night when youre zonked.

amother

Gray

Thu, Nov 01 2018, 3:34 am

amother wrote:

Yup. I can't wait til they have their own apartments and my house will stay clean for more than 10 minutes. But for now, I gotta enjoy having teenagers Smile

amother

Fuchsia

Thu, Nov 01 2018, 6:57 am

Had she been more organized and ready earlier, would you have been able to focus and help her without interruptions or would there have been other kids around who needed your attention? My teens specifically wait until the youngers have gone to bed to ask for help or time with me, because until then, I often can't sit with them uninterrupted for 15 minutes straight.

It is a big adjustment. Yes, going into your room is the only practical way I know. I find it helps to actually change for bed- that's a real signal fo kids. And yes, if I head downstairs for a snack or a cup of tea, I end up with someone sitting with me at the table, telling me about their da and expecting a fully conscious mind to answer.

Raisin

Thu, Nov 01 2018, 7:15 am

get yourself a tablet or laptop so you can hide in your room. And put a lock on the door.

I don't have space for a sofa in my room but my bed is perfectly comfortable.

FranticFrummie

Thu, Nov 01 2018, 7:21 am

Teenagers have an extra sense that tells them when you are about to go to bed.

DD can entertain herself and ignore me all evening long, but as soon as I'm ready to turn in, she wants to chat about life and be my best friend. Because of the challenges she's had it's hard for me to say no to her, but I've started realizing that she can talk until 5am if I let her!

I've set boundaries that I will listen to her for an extra 15 minutes, maybe a half an hour, but then I am going straight to bed. So far, nothing bad has happened. She doesn't hate me, and we still manage to find times to talk.

One of the ways I've been able to squeeze in some extra mommy time, is to insist that she keep me company when I'm cooking. I tell her that she has to watch and learn, as it is a life skills lesson. She never pays attention, but sits on a stool and chats at me while I work. At least she feels like we're together, and I can make the occasional comment on her monologue. She never talks about anything very important at those times, she just wants me to hear her. (I know way more about her favorite bands and anime shows than any adult should ever have to know! LOL

)

amother

Honeydew

Thu, Nov 01 2018, 7:30 am

amother wrote:

Yup. I can't wait til they have their own apartments and my house will stay clean for more than 10 minutes. But for now, I gotta enjoy having teenagers Smile

Make the kids clean their own messes. If they are teens, they are old enough not to do this to you.

Simple1

Thu, Nov 01 2018, 7:36 am

Its a hard stage. Going to bed is the only solution and even that's hard to do. And it can't be too early or else they'll feel I'm not available for them.

amother

Gray

Thu, Nov 01 2018, 8:14 am

amother wrote:

Make the kids clean their own messes. If they are teens, they are old enough not to do this to you.

Hahahahaha..... do you have teenagers? Mine could care less about the cleanliness of my house.

FranticFrummie

Thu, Nov 01 2018, 8:21 am

amother wrote:

Hahahahaha..... do you have teenagers? Mine could care less about the cleanliness of my house.

TRUTH. In the amount of time I would spend arguing over one small thing, I could have cleaned the whole house for Pesach! Not only that, I'd be equally exhausted.

Teens can be ungrateful and selfish, but we have to pick and choose our battles for a few years. When they get homes of their own, they'll realize soon enough that dishes and laundry don't wash themselves, no matter how long you stare at them. Wink

amother

Ginger

Thu, Nov 01 2018, 8:24 am

amother wrote:

Hahahahaha..... do you have teenagers? Mine could care less about the cleanliness of my house.

Especially bochurim....if you have a few of those, it's all bets off. There's a reason we like to marry our boys off young....

amother

White

Thu, Nov 01 2018, 8:26 am

First off, get used to the fact that you will no longer ever have the house entirely to yourself. At least not for a good few years. Your kids also live there, and once they are teens, you can't exactly confine them to their room after 9 pm.
That doesn't mean you can't have your own time and space. You will just need to find a ritual of carving it out for yourself. For many years, I would crash after work, and I needed a half hour or hour to myself. If your kids aren't babies, that might work. Leave them some snacks out and let them manage on their own while you rest. If they still need supervision, you can rest on the couch.

Or just make after 9 pm your time. The only thing is you will need to be flexible for days when your dd needs you for homework. Actually my kids often need me to pick them up after 9 pm from all kinds of things.

In other words, you are going to need to learn to take your time out even when kids are around.

mommy3b2c

Thu, Nov 01 2018, 8:30 am

I often go to sleep before my two oldest. I tell them not to bother me, and I go into my room and close the door. I can relax or sleep. Whichever. If they are old enough to be up that late, they are old enough to put themselves to sleep.

cinnamon

Thu, Nov 01 2018, 8:31 am

I try to remind my kids around 8pm that in an hour I will be off so if they need any home work help/supper/other-super-important-thing NOW is the time.
Some nights it works some nights it doesn't...

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