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Forum
-> Parenting our children
-> School age children
amother
cornflower
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Mon, Nov 05 2018, 3:08 pm
Not sure if I’m posting in the right place. My ex remarried, and my 8 yr old son goes to him every other week for shabbos, plus Once or twice during the week. My son hates sleeping alone and usually wakes up and comes into my bed. Same with his father as well. Now that my ex remarried, he is not keeping laws of Niddah, and my son comes home to tell me that his Aba and new wife sleep in the same bed together.
He woke up to get his father to come to hbed with him, and that’s what he saw.
(We are a frum yeshivish family. )
Opinions on what is proper here? Should my son be seeing them on one bed?
I really don’t know what to do here .
I grew up with 2 beds in my parents room and that’s what we had aswell befor we got divorced.
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mommy3b2c
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Mon, Nov 05 2018, 3:13 pm
In my opinion, it’s not a big deal. My kids see us in one bed all the time. Obviously this bothers you, and you are entitled to feel uncomfortable with it. Howver, there is nothing you can do to stop it. You should be honest with him. Tell him that a lot of times husbands and wives like to sleep in the same bed. The end.
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thunderstorm
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Mon, Nov 05 2018, 3:13 pm
There are MANY people who DO keep hilchos niddah who only have one bed. Many frum kids grow up to see their parents in the same bed ( when not niddah of course, but your son doesn't know about that anyway).
I would not make a big deal of it.
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amother
Maroon
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Mon, Nov 05 2018, 3:14 pm
I dont think theres anything wrong with a child seeing his parents in the same bed (obviously not doing anything intimate) Are you concerns because she is not his mother or in general you dont like the idea?
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simcha2
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Mon, Nov 05 2018, 3:15 pm
Not sure how seeing them in one bed translates to "not keeping niddah".
Just tell him some married people sleep in one bed, some on two. Kids take things like this at face value. I'd you don't make a big deal of it, it won't be a big deal.
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Seas
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Mon, Nov 05 2018, 3:17 pm
If he isn't keeping hilchos nidda, is he frum in other ways? Is your son aware his father isn't totally frum anymore?
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amother
cornflower
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Mon, Nov 05 2018, 3:19 pm
I would say both, because she is not his mother so not his parents , and just in general I don’t like the idea.
But I gues if it seems to be the norm then I shouldn’t worry about it.
It’s just something that we agreed on before having kids...
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amother
cornflower
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Mon, Nov 05 2018, 3:22 pm
Seas wrote: | If he isn't keeping hilchos nidda, is he frum in other ways? Is your son aware his father isn't totally frum anymore? |
Not as frum as he use to be, Not the life style that bought us together in the first place lol
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amother
cornflower
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Mon, Nov 05 2018, 3:23 pm
simcha2 wrote: | Not sure how seeing them in one bed translates to "not keeping niddah".
Just tell him some married people sleep in one bed, some on two. Kids take things like this at face value. I'd you don't make a big deal of it, it won't be a big deal. |
Because my ex told me that. He said he is not shomer anymore, doesn’t keep niddah
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tryinghard
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Mon, Nov 05 2018, 3:44 pm
amother wrote: | Because my ex told me that. He said he is not shomer anymore, doesn’t keep niddah |
Even so, it's really irrelevant. As many posters pointed out, there are a lot of people who DO keep hilchos niddah and also allow their kids to see them sleeping together in te same bed. Being that your son (hopefully) knows nothing hat would make this particularly unusual, be super-casual about it - a non-reaction.
"Daddy and step-mother have a love seat and a couch"
"oh, very nice".
"At Daddy's house they eat hot dogs for lunch"
"ok, that's cool. Do you like hot dogs for lunch?"
"Daddy sleeps in the same bed with step-mother"
"oh, ok."
If he asks, you can say some grownups like to sleep in the same bed and some don't. And some grown-ups like to some of the time and not others
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amother
Pearl
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Mon, Nov 05 2018, 3:57 pm
Yes agree not to make a big deal out of it or pretty much anything (barring something off the norm) repeated from ex's home.
Maybe it is time to help him learn to sleep in his own bed particularly given the circumstances.
hugs and hatzlocha
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watergirl
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Mon, Nov 05 2018, 4:04 pm
I am divorced and remarried. I get it and I’ve been there in both places.
My child from the first marriage is now a teen, but from age 3 and older would see dad in bed with girlfriends. Nothing I could do about it and I remember the hurt that I felt for my small child who I assumed was confused. Kids are more resilient than we are and we need to give them more credit. At least in your situation, your ex is married. Their religious practice is not your business, especially when its something as benign as this. He has no reason to know that his dad doesnt keep TH. If your child asks you, just say your rav said to do xyz and dont tell him his dad is wrong. There is nothing wrong with sharing a bed (when the calendar permits), my kids and many other kids see their parents sleeping in the same bed. There is no reason to start discussing TH with them (not that you would, just saying). Different people do different things. Its ok.
My husband is also divorced and his ex used to quiz the kids when they were younger about when they saw us doing. When we first got married, we went with DH’s parents on a vacation and imagine my shock when his ex’s rav called him and told him that the kids cant see him and I sleeping in the same bed because it confuses them to see their mom sleeping in the same bed with someone who isnt their mom. By the way this is the woman who brought in multiple husbands and divorced them all. But ok.
All you can do is daven.
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SixOfWands
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Mon, Nov 05 2018, 4:06 pm
tryinghard wrote: | Even so, it's really irrelevant. As many posters pointed out, there are a lot of people who DO keep hilchos niddah and also allow their kids to see them sleeping together in te same bed. Being that your son (hopefully) knows nothing hat would make this particularly unusual, be super-casual about it - a non-reaction.
"Daddy and step-mother have a love seat and a couch"
"oh, very nice".
"At Daddy's house they eat hot dogs for lunch"
"ok, that's cool. Do you like hot dogs for lunch?"
"Daddy sleeps in the same bed with step-mother"
"oh, ok."
If he asks, you can say some grownups like to sleep in the same bed and some don't. And some grown-ups like to some of the time and not others |
For better or for worse, you lost the right to comment on his sleeping arrangements when you divorced. So this is the best approach.
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DREAMING
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Mon, Nov 05 2018, 4:16 pm
An eight year old sleeping in your bed??
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amother
Mauve
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Mon, Nov 05 2018, 4:22 pm
I have an 8 year old and it seems old. I don't think I would feel so comfortable with my 8 year step son coming in to my room. Is there anyway to work on getting him to stay in his own bed?
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penguin
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Mon, Nov 05 2018, 4:34 pm
I don't think you are using the term co-sleeping correctly. It is used to refer to keeping a baby in bed with the mother or parents, not to refer to two married people who may sleep in the same bed.
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SisterSix
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Mon, Nov 05 2018, 4:40 pm
penguin wrote: | I don't think you are using the term co-sleeping correctly. It is used to refer to keeping a baby in bed with the mother or parents, not to refer to two married people who may sleep in the same bed. |
I thought she was referring to the son co sleeping, which, yes, too old
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bigsis144
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Mon, Nov 05 2018, 4:46 pm
penguin wrote: | I don't think you are using the term co-sleeping correctly. It is used to refer to keeping a baby in bed with the mother or parents, not to refer to two married people who may sleep in the same bed. |
OP did say
Quote: | My son hates sleeping alone and usually wakes up and comes into my bed. Same with his father as well. |
—
Some families (and many entire cultures) have family beds, and co-sleeping past infant/toddlerhood is normal for them.
I personally slept in my parents’ bed every night until I was 8 (three twin beds pushed together, 2 adults and 4 kids from 2-8 years old, it was wonderful!!). After that, I still remember going to sleep there occasionally if I particularly needed that sort of emotional comfort. I think I crashed for a few hours there the night before I left for seminary, even.
My parents somehow managed to conceive six kids and keep taharas hamishpacha through all this, and I went to normal yeshivish schools my whole life.
XDH and his wife sleeping in the same bed may be different than how you raised your son, but it’s not going to psychologically scar him or warp his hashkafos.
The one thing I hesitate about is an 8 year old boy sleeping in the same bed as his step-mother.
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penguin
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Mon, Nov 05 2018, 5:57 pm
Sorry, my mistake. I stand corrected.
I will agree that while children can find great comfort in parents' beds, an 8 year old is probably too old to sleep in the room with a step-mother.
But I think OP said the son was asking his father to come to the son's bed, which isn't so bad. But he should not really be going into their room. It lacks tznius.
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