My kids (all ages) always listen to me, AMA

professor

Tue, Nov 06 2018, 9:52 pm

amother wrote:

Think about the times that others may struggle with, say morning rush hour. I've turned this into fun time. We wake up to a cheer-song. There's always a surprise waiting at the breakfast table. Of course they're excited to get up...

Or clearing away toys. We make it a game.

The older ones are proud of who they are and are happy to live with the values we instilled in them.

You're right. I cannot take credit. Total SD. I do put in a lot of work though. Years ago, I used to keep a chart of every time I yelled...

You did not say anything about bed-time... my family's greatest challenge (teens AND toddlers)

professor

Tue, Nov 06 2018, 10:04 pm

causemommysaid wrote:

Um this is an AMA thread.

Don't ask questions if you don't like the answers.

Some kids are just super well behaved. Combine that with a calm mother with good parenting skills and yeah why shouldn't her kids listen?

It's rare and not very realistic but I imagine it exists once in a blue moon.

Later. Gotta go and yell at one of my kids for hitting his sister.

Love this post, causemommysaid ama threads are for people to learn something from rare but wonderful mothers. We might never achieve what she does, but it can't hurt to hear about it!

I hope she will not stop posting, I have questions!

dovebird

Tue, Nov 06 2018, 11:32 pm

First off, having your kids always listen to you doesn’t mean they are well behaved. Some parents just don’t ask too much from their kids. If you don’t ask them to do something, they can’t not listen to you.
Also, you can tell your kid “go clean your room” or you can say “do you want to clean your room?” That way if they don’t do it they aren’t not listening to you.
So yes, I think there are cases that kids listen to their parents majority of the time. Seems like a different parenting type then we are all used to.

sirel

Wed, Nov 07 2018, 1:31 am

OP, please don't leave yet! I'd like to ask you a few questions.

1) Do you homeschool? If not, how many hours a day do you spend with your children?

2) What is your expectation level for appropriate behavior? Do you consider it okay for children to - jump on the couch, not eat their dinner, slam the door?

3) Do you spend a lot of time and effort on preparing nutritious food? Do your children eat junk or processed food?

4) Have you heard of Avivah Werner or read her blog? How do her methods compare to yours?

NovelConcept

Wed, Nov 07 2018, 1:37 am

causemommysaid wrote:

that with a calm mother with good parenting skills and yeah why shouldn't her kids listen?

It's rare and not very realistic but I imagine it exists once in a blue moon.

The reason this thread doesn't make sense is that you can't make 100% of people happy 100% of the time.

And with kids, who are little people just beginning to work on their middos, it is sometimes hard to just WAIT. So when one needs (or wants) something and it conflicts with the needs of another, it is not realistic that a child should be perfectly calm and well-behaved. (Unless they are medicated into a stupor.)

Even amazing kids act like kids at a times.

And, dare I say it? Giving a child a treat EVERY day sets them up for a life of disappointments. It's not reality. Reality is that life has ups and life has downs. And sometimes it hands us pleasant surprises -- and other times it smacks us across the face.

OP, if you are a real person, I think there are some pearls in your words, but there is also some questionable chinuch advice as well.

Don't you think that kids have to be raised to function in reality? When you are out with all your kids doing pre-Pesach shopping and you've just reached the front of an hour-long line an d toddler has a melt-down... are you really going to walk out and "role-model"?

gingertop

Wed, Nov 07 2018, 6:04 am

sequoia wrote:

The butthurt on this thread is unbelievable.

Calm down everyone, this doesn’t sound like an unhealthy or tyrannical situation. Stop making the OP feel bad FOR NO REASON. She wanted to share what parenting techniques work for her. If it’s not relevant to you, just scroll on by.

I'm not butthurt, if you're referring to my post. The title of this thread made my bs detectors go off. I thought that OP was joking- doing a parody of all the AMAs. I really thought that and that was my charitable interpretation to saying that ALL her kids listen ALL the time.

Now that she's clarified, I'm curious about her technique. But I do think the title should be changed. OP is a great mother who seems to have an inconceivable amount of energy for her children. It's interesting to read. I don't have any hopes of being half as good a mother as she is and I'm not particularly bothered by that. I think I'm a good mother in my own way even if my kids sometimes have to suck it up and do things they don't want to.

amother

Azure

Wed, Nov 07 2018, 6:10 am

You know when a person says always or never ... It's a lie. You never lose your temper, you are always a loving and calm mother. You always make everything fun? it's okay if kids don't listen sometimes. It's okay of getting up in the morning isn't fun. We're all human.. and I expect my kids to get up even if it's not fun. Noones gonna make sure their morning routine is fun when they're 18/19/20. They'll have to get up and deal with reality. Sounds like you put tons of effort into parenting and I applaud you for that. I'd just be a bit worried if they lose touch with reality.. since the world isn't all glittery and fluffy and all that.

amother

Wheat

Wed, Nov 07 2018, 7:48 am

amother wrote:

I know an adult male who struggles because his parents told him how amazing he was all his life but when he grew up he realised he was mostly mediocre. He felt betrayed and lied to by his parents. There is indeed something to be said for making sure your kids know that the daily routine of adult life isn’t so fun.

Snickers18

Wed, Nov 07 2018, 11:38 am

Growing up, we were that family. As little Kids, teenagers, and now adults, we thoroughly loved and respected our parents. Never even a thought to do something they wouldn’t want us to do. Rebellion? Surliness? What was that? I always attributed it to the fact that my parents were amazing parents, but as I see more of the world, I realize that they also lucked out with so many agreeable, obedient children. I still think they’re great parents, but there’s a lot more nuance involved than I used to think about.

marina

Wed, Nov 07 2018, 2:37 pm

amother wrote:

Please op before this thread goes.

Can you help if the kids are already older and I was not so great as a younger parent? How would you advise me now?

For example a 12 yo with a lot of anxiety. They are hollering I'm scared about the test tomorrow. You say - it's ok. The thought of a test can be very scary. What can I do to help? Would you like me to help you prepare? Or a mug of warm cocoa?, And they say in a singsong voice "what can I do to help? I hate you mommy" and storm off slamming a door. You leave them to calm down. Later you say "I'm glad that you are feeling less anxious now. But earlier, when you were more emotional, I felt sad hearing and seeing what you said and did", and they say "shut up. Too bad. No. No. No. Stop talking I don't care".

Then what?

Then you pat yourself on the back, pour yourself a glass of wine (or five), and imagine how fabulous things will be when the teen years are over...

amother

Papaya

Wed, Nov 07 2018, 3:45 pm

NovelConcept wrote:

This! - If a kid is never a kid, it rings alarm bells. In many cases, when kids are abnormally obedient, it's because of a fear of the repercussions of disobedience.

It's healthy for toddlers to throw tantrums and yell "no".

It's healthy for pre-teens to begin to wriggle out of their parent's complete control and try to establish themselves as separate individuals

It's healthy for teenagers to assert their independence and do the opposite of what the parents advise, just because they can.

All of this is part of a child's development and results in a healthy independent adult of sound mind and sound psyche.

OP, this is not directed at you, because there's no way to gauge your kids based on a posting. But this is directed to everyone else. Having kids who always listen to you should not be a parenting goal. A proper parenting goal is knowing how to handle situations when the child speaks or acts his mind.

thunderstorm

Wed, Nov 07 2018, 4:05 pm

amother wrote:

My sons teacher actually told me that he always worries about students who are perfectly behaved ALL the time and never act up. He said those are the ones that may have a problem later on.
But I think OPs children do act out on occasion , she just handles it in a way that it doesn't escalate into a full blown "situation". Meaning, her kid may come home from school angry and starts to act out. Using her calm words she knows how to get the kid to calm down immediately and she talks to the kid calmly and listens to her kids concerns etc. That's how I understood it from the OP.