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My kids (all ages) always listen to me, AMA
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professor




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Nov 07 2018, 7:04 pm
More questions: how do you deal with family members who are not calm towards your kids, like grandparents, aunts, uncles, older siblings... even husband...? how do you keep the cool?
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amother




Copper


Post  Wed, Nov 07 2018, 8:25 pm
Hi everyone! Totally didn’t anticipate the reactions here. Yes I knew that would be disbelief (amusement anyone?) but not the indignation. I appreciate those who explained why they were taken aback by my post (you are totally right!) and when I took a step back and thought how would my friend ________ who is struggling with some of her kids would feel, I was like, “Oh no! What have I done?” And for the record, my friend is a great parent and has great relationships with all her kids, yes even the one who is struggling a lot (OTD). And really that’s all that matters. To be the best parent we can be. Because as lots of you rightly said, ‘good’ kids are a gift from Heaven. And then how do we even define ‘good’?

To respond to some of the issues mentioned:

· My kids go to school, they go to work. They live in the real world. I highly doubt they need me to act anything less than kindly in order to prepare them for life. And they have plenty nisyonos that they have to deal with on a day-to-day basis. One of my kids (absolutely delicious!) requires round-the-clock care and may require hospitalisation at a moment’s notice. No-one’s life is a bed of roses. Each of us has our own struggles. And I admire the way (many of) you are so open about it, and grow from your challenges.

· My kids are not robots. I didn’t think anyone would interpret my post as such.

· ‘Breakfast surprise’ can be as simple as a silly poem, a funny cartoon, a short note, favourite biscuit, whatever, anything that will make them smile, giggle or make them feel good.

· Sorry wheat, I won’t shout just so that my kids should know I love them. Talk about different parenting techniques. Wink

· To amother ‘beige’, I don’t always hear the words my kids use; I prefer to hear what they’re saying. If my kids would say ‘I hate you mommy’ in that context, I would hear: ‘What you are doing now is not helping me. Please find a different way to make me feel less anxious.’ An example, a child wanted something very much and when I refused, said, ‘I know you don’t love me’; to me that was saying ‘I want that thing very very much.’ That doesn’t mean I gave in to him, it just means that I responded to what he was saying, rather than the words he used… I would not use these opportunities to educate my children on how to talk even when anxious etc. It can’t be personal… At a different time, yes.

· Gold21, as I said upthread, I wasn’t always like this. I’ve been working on my parenting for ages (since I was a child, I think Smile ).

· Superwify, yep different parenting here. I see talking to even toddlers in the way you describe as talking-down and I won’t do that ever. My kids were articulate from a young age, maybe there’s something in it… I totally get though that you feel differently.

· Thank you Goldenrod. Yes, you’re spot on. And kudos to you that you can relate. I think the one thing I was determined from a young age, is that I would give my kids the childhood that I never had…

· Bed-time I’ve mentioned in a different thread. It’s the absolute favourite time of our day. Exciting stories for the young ones, I sing a song every night with a specific compliment for each… crossword-puzzles with the older... It’s a relaxed, bonding time. (They also know how important sleep is.)

· Sirel: I don’t home-school. I think my level of appropriate behaviour is pretty much standard. I don’t want kids jumping on couches. I don’t expect them to eat food they don’t like. I wouldn’t expect them to slam doors. I do try to prepare healthy foods (not extreme here). I haven’t heard of Aviva Werner nor read her blog.

· NovelConcept: By now, I can pretty much anticipate where things may go wrong and prepare the kids accordingly, in the same way we talk about making a Kiddush HaShem before going on a trip…

· Thunderstorm: I don’t expect perfection. I’m not either (looong way to go). Hopefully they know how to react when they’ve done something wrong. A teacher once called out my then twelve year old child about something she’d done. She told the teacher. I know I have an issue with… I’m working on it. It’s one of those times I felt a pat on the back from Above. I really do put a lot into my kids (don't we all!). And you are 100% right, we can do ours, but anything we get back is totally SD. Thanks for the reminder.

· Professor: I don’t expect anyone to follow my parenting method (aside from my husband, who fortunately is on the same page). I do teach my kids how to respond. And they know that the only thing that matters is how they respond / behave (well it’s the only thing in their control anyway).

· For those who are concerned that I’ve been in any way insulted. No worries, I haven’t taken offence. And for those who know my screenname ( Smile ), my main reason for quitting is that all you wonderful people here have made imamother much too addictive. I thought by posting a public goodbye, it would be easier for me to curtail my addiction once and for all. Oh well. That helped. Smile (I will get there though. I’m a determined little girl!)
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mammale




 
 
 


Post  Wed, Nov 07 2018, 8:33 pm
Op, you still there?

I have so many questions! And, I vote for changing the title of the thread and answering questions - I think you could teach us alot!
Were you always a really calm mother? Or is this something you've worked toward over many years?
How many kids do you have?
What tips do you have for remaining calm in a pressured time? Eg. Dinner/ homework / bedtime rush, with overtired, hungry, and LOUD kids...( Not to mention... Exausted mommy..)
What would be your top three parenting tips?
You say you have kids of all ages, do you have a favorite stage? What about it?
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amother




Copper


Post  Wed, Nov 07 2018, 9:15 pm
mammale wrote:
Op, you still there?

I have so many questions! And, I vote for changing the title of the thread and answering questions - I think you could teach us alot!
How do you do that?

Were you always a really calm mother? Or is this something you've worked toward over many years?
Answer in post immediately above.

How many kids do you have?
5-10

What tips do you have for remaining calm in a pressured time? Eg. Dinner/ homework / bedtime rush, with overtired, hungry, and LOUD kids...( Not to mention... Exausted mommy..)
Prepare ahead and anticipate.

What would be your top three parenting tips?
Humour (works every time!), respect, openness (of course tefilla!)

You say you have kids of all ages, do you have a favorite stage? What about it?

Teens. [b]
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amother




Cerise


Post  Wed, Nov 07 2018, 9:39 pm
OP, is there a parenting course or something you recommend to help me learn the skills that you've accomplished? I want to be a better mother.

I work very full time (as does DH) and I want my time home with my kids to be positive. But
I come home from work late, then my kids need to eat/bathe/bed; then I get stressed that it's getting late, and for example, my 3 year old is taking forever getting into bed, and I end up yelling or counting to 3 and saying you better be in bed by 3, or something along those lines, and then I always feel so guilty afterwards.

I want to do better Sad
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crust




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Nov 08 2018, 12:23 am
I totally believe you OP.
I would love to have you as a friend in real life.

For the record not all of my kids listen to me all the time. They are wired differently.
I dont measure my success in parenting by that because I know that its not about me. I talk to them just as calm as I talk to my obedient children and then some. I cant control the results.

In my experience, all is not lost if a child is disobedient. At a certain age obedience or the skill of being able to listen to someone wiser than you, kicks in.


I still believe OPs reality is a reality.
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amother




Periwinkle


Post  Thu, Nov 08 2018, 12:30 am
Hi OP,
JUst wanted to thank you. I love your line of talking to kids with the respect you would have for an adult. I already applied it this evening and it worked magic on me! I usually keep telling myself to stay calm, which works sometimes better than others. Now I just asked myself, how would I say this if it were dh or another adult? Being the respectful person that I am, I already had the skill but didn't realize it should be used with kids as well. What should I say, bedtime did not stress me out this evening! THANK YOU!
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amother




Copper


Post  Thu, Nov 08 2018, 3:39 am
crust wrote:
I totally believe you OP.
I would love to have you as a friend in real life.

For the record not all of my kids listen to me all the time. They are wired differently.
I dont measure my success in parenting by that because I know that its not about me. I talk to them just as calm as I talk to my obedient children and then some. I cant control the results.

In my experience, all is not lost if a child is disobedient. At a certain age obedience or the skill of being able to listen to someone wiser than you, kicks in.


I still believe OPs reality is a reality.


Ooh! I would be honoured.

And you do realise crust, your post says a whole lot more about yourself, than it says about me. Classic Crust. Class!

I'm not too bothered by those who choose to think of me as a world-class liar or those who interpret my posts to paint me as an awful villain. I do care though that I've made people feel badly. And for this I regret posting.

I think what happened is that someone posted an AMA thread that had me thinking, 'Oh wow, I wouldn't have dreamt to post this.' And then I considered if I would have to post a personal AMA thread, what would it be. Just a shame I didn't think into it more before putting it up there. Oh well, lesson learnt.

And whilst it is true that I put a tremendous effort into my parenting, I now realise with even more clarity, that it would be presumptuous of me to take pride into any of the profits yielded. Thanks to those who put me in my place.

Oh, and one more thing Crust. I have an old grievance that I put up in June (as amother seafoam) that perhaps you would be so kind as to settle. It was with you (amongst others) in mind, that I wrote:

https://www.imamother.com/foru.....p?t=341527

Any chance of sorting out the issue? Promptly?
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thegiver




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Mar 15 2019, 5:32 am
What are the family activities you mentioned?

How do you bond with each kid individually? At what time? How frequently? Which kind of activities? What do the rest of ur kids do meanwhile? ( My kids are mostly small)

What would u do if ur kids called u stupid or hit u?

What keeps u calm?

How do u get ur kids moving faster ( out the door in the morning, cleaning up, putting on seatbelts)? I feel ignored when they don't listen right away. Is this my issue or something I need to help them with?

Thanks for ur brilliant post!! Nothing like parenting helps us perfect our midos Smile
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thegiver




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Mar 15 2019, 5:48 am
Do u ever use bribery or consequences?
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thegiver




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Mar 15 2019, 5:50 am
How do ur kids know u r on their side? Like I'm anti candy is that bad mommy in their eyes?
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amother




Silver


Post  Fri, Mar 15 2019, 11:19 am
thegiver- I'm not op but maybe I can help you a little. I keep candy to a minimum. They know when they can have. Personally I think it works a lot better then saying never. My older dd is open about the fact that her friends eat A lot more nosh. I talk to them about why we don't eat a lot of nosh. I don't sit there eating hershey kisses while I tell them they can't. They see that I eat healthy also. I also show I care about them in other ways.

To get kids from around 4/5 ( my 4 year old can read) to move faster in the morning we use chart with times.

we put our kids to sleep at different times which helps with quality time. We usually play games.
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