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Would you let your kid's stay at a sibling's who spanks?
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clowny









  


Post  Thu, Nov 08 2018, 10:26 am
There’s s very big difference between spanking and hitting a child. There are 3 reasons why I will hit a child. Chutzpah, lying and doing something dangerous. Chutzpah and lying is something that if not taught the right way, chances are it will grow along with children into adulthood. Doing something dangerous- self understood why a potch is needed. Hitting a child has to be done in a calm way, not if you’re angry because then it turns into spanking and abuse. So when I do potch a kid, I sit the child down, I explain to him that what he just did or said was totally chutzpedig, I take his hand and give him a potch. That’s chinuch and discipline. Not spanking.
So op- if you’re talking about just plain simple chinuch and discipline in the form of a potch then go ahead and send your child there. But if you’re talking about something more like anger, yelling and potching. Then I would think twice.

And of course she can’t touch my kid.
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amother




Amethyst


Post  Thu, Nov 08 2018, 10:32 am
One of my sisters and her husband spank the kids. See doesn't even feel bad about it.. and she doesn't understand why the kids are scared of her. It turns my stomach whenever we visit. Ive told her before that if her kids tell me it gets out of hand, I'll contact social services. I've never left my kids there more than one afternoon but she wouldn't touch them even if they were there for a week. They would tell me and I would contact social services.
So it depends.. what kind of spanking? Is it a potch once a year or is it a slap in the face every week? Are the kids scared of their mom? I think if someone hit my kids in the face they would probably call the police lol it's scary when kids are used to that Sad
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amother




Pewter


Post  Thu, Nov 08 2018, 1:49 pm
keym wrote:
I am still stuck on seeing perch in cheder.
I am not of the "never potch" camp- I've had to on occasion. But I can't wrap my head around anyone besides the parent ever hitting my child because no one except my husband loves my children as much as I do.
If potching in cheder happens, is it also normal in your community to pitch unrelated children?
Do grandparents potch? Does the man in shul potch?
I don't know. In my community no one raises their hand against anyone else's child.
But what happens in your community?


Potching in cheder is very usual in my community, its the method of discipline, and for that reason I did not send my son yet, he's going to a small private one for now (they only have younger grades)were hitting is not the thing, and I made it clear that I don't want any of it. I'm actually considering moving for this reason.
It is definitely not normal,or expected for any other man to hit anyone's child.
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amother




Pewter


Post  Thu, Nov 08 2018, 1:56 pm
SuperWify wrote:
Which cheder still uses corporal punishment these days?!?!


In some chassidish communities its considered totally okay
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amother




Brunette


Post  Thu, Nov 08 2018, 4:18 pm
Chayalle wrote:
If I ever had to leave my children somewhere overnight, I could only leave them in a home where I felt my kids would be comfortable with the general atmosphere of the home.

It's not just the potching, OP, but if your SIL is a strict disciplinarian and you are not, it might be very difficult and uncomfortable for your child to stay there.

So no, I wouldn't. It's hard enough for kids to be away from their parents and the home they are used to, without adding a totally different type of home for them to cope with.


This point really impacted my decision to not send them there in the end. Although my SIL is a wonderful woman and loving mother, she is probably too strict for my children to feel comfortable there alone. Thanks.
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dancingqueen









  


Post  Thu, Nov 08 2018, 4:31 pm
amother wrote:
I think the norm would be only parents who choose to do so and Rebbe's in cheder. Occasionally grandparents or aunts/uncles, but I don't think that would be too common.


I’m not ok with hitting kids at all, including parents. But I can’t see why it’s bad for a sil to hit your kids but ok for a rebbe to hit them. For me, a teacher is even worse.
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nchr









  


Post  Thu, Nov 08 2018, 5:19 pm
dancingqueen wrote:
I’m not ok with hitting kids at all, including parents. But I can’t see why it’s bad for a sil to hit your kids but ok for a rebbe to hit them. For me, a teacher is even worse.


My husband and I do not hit; however, our sons' cheder does. My son who is in Kita Alef this year has a Rebbe who put red duck tape on a ruler and refers to it as "di roita menhal - the red principal." My son is a very well behaved, calm child and he has not received any smacks yet, but if it happens it is out of my control. It's just accepted as part of society here since there is nothing you can do.
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My4Jewels









  


Post  Sat, Nov 10 2018, 9:45 pm
nchr wrote:
My husband and I do not hit; however, our sons' cheder does. My son who is in Kita Alef this year has a Rebbe who put red duck tape on a ruler and refers to it as "di roita menhal - the red principal." My son is a very well behaved, calm child and he has not received any smacks yet, but if it happens it is out of my control. It's just accepted as part of society here since there is nothing you can do.


OMG OMG OMG OMG

I have an idea why doesn’t somebody take that mans red ruler and smack him with.

I do not know how you could possibly send your precious child into an environment like that.

I am so sad and neauseated right now
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My4Jewels









  


Post  Sat, Nov 10 2018, 9:48 pm
clowny wrote:
There’s s very big difference between spanking and hitting a child. There are 3 reasons why I will hit a child. Chutzpah, lying and doing something dangerous. Chutzpah and lying is something that if not taught the right way, chances are it will grow along with children into adulthood. Doing something dangerous- self understood why a potch is needed. Hitting a child has to be done in a calm way, not if you’re angry because then it turns into spanking and abuse. So when I do potch a kid, I sit the child down, I explain to him that what he just did or said was totally chutzpedig, I take his hand and give him a potch. That’s chinuch and discipline. Not spanking.
So op- if you’re talking about just plain simple chinuch and discipline in the form of a potch then go ahead and send your child there. But if you’re talking about something more like anger, yelling and potching. Then I would think twice.

And of course she can’t touch my kid.



Can I ask you a question?

Do you ever tell your children to keep their hands to themselves? Or maybe they are told those words in preschool? It’s a common thing for teachers and parents to say.

I imagine your children are quite confused seeing as some adults tell them to keep their hands to themselves while their own parents seem to not be following this rule.

There is something called logical consequences. There really is never a reason to lay a hand on your child. It only teaches them to be afraid and that hitting is a great and wonderful way to get your point across. Who knows where that line of thinking leads..
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gold21









  


Post  Sat, Nov 10 2018, 10:31 pm
Yes, I think I would send a child to stay at a home where kids are occasionally "potched" lightly... As long as they're not potching my kids... !!

I mean, of course it depends on what's actually happening, cuz a potch is not a beating and a beating is not a potch. If kids are getting beaten, I would stage an intervention or call social services. An occasional potch would not be a dealbreaker to me.

I don't potch by the way. Cool
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amother




Pearl


Post  Sat, Nov 10 2018, 10:57 pm
I was babysitting somewhere once, and the kids weren't going to bed nicely.. the oldest daughter told me she'll just take out the belt and hit the kids with it (like their father does..). I was so traumatized. Obviously I did not allow it. But I felt so bad for the children in that home. (The father was very abusive in general).
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gold21









  


Post  Sat, Nov 10 2018, 11:05 pm
amother wrote:
I was babysitting somewhere once, and the kids weren't going to bed nicely.. the oldest daughter told me she'll just take out the belt and hit the kids with it (like their father does..). I was so traumatized. Obviously I did not allow it. But I felt so bad for the children in that home. (The father was very abusive in general).


Yikes Mad

That's awful

Terrible. Poor children. I hope there was an intervention and the abuse has not continued.
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ohmygosh









  


Post  Sun, Nov 11 2018, 12:35 am
nchr wrote:
My husband and I do not hit; however, our sons' cheder does. My son who is in Kita Alef this year has a Rebbe who put red duck tape on a ruler and refers to it as "di roita menhal - the red principal." My son is a very well behaved, calm child and he has not received any smacks yet, but if it happens it is out of my control. It's just accepted as part of society here since there is nothing you can do.


I seriously cannot believe you would send your innocent child to a school that hits the kids Shocked . The only way this will ever change is if parents stand up and take a stand.
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Frumwithallergies









  


Post  Sun, Nov 11 2018, 1:21 am
nchr wrote:
My husband and I do not hit; however, our sons' cheder does. My son who is in Kita Alef this year has a Rebbe who put red duck tape on a ruler and refers to it as "di roita menhal - the red principal." My son is a very well behaved, calm child and he has not received any smacks yet, but if it happens it is out of my control. It's just accepted as part of society here since there is nothing you can do.


OMG OMG OMG! I'm horrified by some of these situations described above.
Potching at home? NO.
Potching in cheder? NO. There is absolutely no pedagogical benefit to beating, hitting, wrapping etc children! This is not an issue of chinuch. We are not in the dark ages. Hire rebbeim with backgrounds in education, not corporal punishment. My grandfather, z'l went deaf from getting hit in the ears with the blackboard eraser in cheder.
Change schools, start an uprising. I'm all for chumros and cultural sensitivity, but a potch is no different than any other type of corporal punishment.
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imasoftov









  


Post  Sun, Nov 11 2018, 5:55 am
nchr wrote:
My husband and I do not hit; however, our sons' cheder does. My son who is in Kita Alef this year has a Rebbe who put red duck tape on a ruler and refers to it as "di roita menhal - the red principal." My son is a very well behaved, calm child and he has not received any smacks yet, but if it happens it is out of my control. It's just accepted as part of society here since there is nothing you can do.

I sincerely hope your son runs away when he's old enough.
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octopus









  


Post  Sun, Nov 11 2018, 7:56 am
nchr wrote:
My husband and I do not hit; however, our sons' cheder does. My son who is in Kita Alef this year has a Rebbe who put red duck tape on a ruler and refers to it as "di roita menhal - the red principal." My son is a very well behaved, calm child and he has not received any smacks yet, but if it happens it is out of my control. It's just accepted as part of society here since there is nothing you can do.


That teacher would be thrown into jail and have charges brought against him if the cops are called.
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imasoftov









  


Post  Sun, Nov 11 2018, 10:50 am
nchr wrote:
... It's just accepted as part of society here since there is nothing you can do.

Then you ask why I don't live here
Honey, how come you don't move?

Bob Dylan - "On The Road Again"
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amother




Mint


Post  Sun, Nov 11 2018, 10:58 am
My mother was anti spanking but she didn't stop my father from belting us. To this day I don't have a real relationship with either parent because of this. I don't care what good they did, they didn't make me safe and kept hurting us and I can't forgive and go to therapy for it to this day 20 years later .
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gold21









  


Post  Sun, Nov 11 2018, 11:16 am
amother wrote:
My mother was anti spanking but she didn't stop my father from belting us. To this day I don't have a real relationship with either parent because of this. I don't care what good they did, they didn't make me safe and kept hurting us and I can't forgive and go to therapy for it to this day 20 years later .


That is truly terrible and heartbreaking and inexcusable. Sad Sad

If I may add here, belting and hurting regularly is NOT the same as an occasional light potch. I was potched on occasion growing up and I don't have any trauma relating to that.

Apples to oranges, oranges to apples.

It's like comparing a mom raising her voice occasionally ("Shaindy, I told u ten times to go brush your teeth! Now go brush your teeth!") to lo aleinu verbal abuse ("Shaindy, how dare u! You ungrateful brat! You lazy good for nothing! What is wrong with you, you have terrible middos!!")

I am sorry for your pain.


Last edited by gold21 on Sun, Nov 11 2018, 11:22 am; edited 1 time in total
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nchr









  


Post  Sun, Nov 11 2018, 11:21 am
octopus wrote:
That teacher would be thrown into jail and have charges brought against him if the cops are called.


My husband and I have never hit our child, so not sure why a poster would say she hopes he runs away. Also, the teacher would not be thrown in jail, as corporal punishment is allowable in NY private schools legally..... People, calm down. You need to save the charges for real abuse.
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