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Do DILs try to take away sons from their families?
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amother




Pearl


Post  Wed, Nov 07 2018, 10:46 pm
Is it true that many wives try to take their husbands away from their families? Why would they do that? What do you think as moms we should be doing to prevent our sons from listening to their wives when they try to distance them from us?
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amother




Orchid


Post  Wed, Nov 07 2018, 10:48 pm
Why are you worried about this? There is nothing you can do. Some people do. Most don’t.
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amother




Tangerine


Post  Wed, Nov 07 2018, 10:51 pm
Raise your son in a healthy way, talk to him about red flag behaviors in a marriage when he's looking to marry, supply him with 2 phone numbers of top, honest and caring professionals to reach out to should there be any such concerns cv in the marriage, and whatever you do STAY OUT of the marriage and respect his wife.
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notshanarishona









  


Post  Wed, Nov 07 2018, 10:53 pm
When your son gets married his first priority is his wife and her happiness over his parents. That is the way it's supposed to be
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amother




Blush


Post  Wed, Nov 07 2018, 10:58 pm
That's ridiculous . Girls are more attached to their family, while boys are more independent . Girls call their mothers daily in most of who I know from seminary, boys rarely call home to chat. It's just the nature of people . In the beginning that's how it looks, if healthy relationships form it will balance itself with time.
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tweety1









  


Post  Wed, Nov 07 2018, 11:06 pm
Some do to an extreme. I unfortunately know of somebody like this. Most dont, but there are some unhealthy ppl out there
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amother




Orchid


Post  Wed, Nov 07 2018, 11:07 pm
When I got married I didn’t try to take away my husband from his family but I defiantly wanted to keep my distance from them. I didn’t trust them. And that’s just how I deal with people I don’t trust. Anyways they were going through a hard time in life and were very disfintional and I didn’t want to be Part of it. I did remind my husband to call his parents to keep relationship with them but I didn’t want to go over to them often. Anyways that was years ago. Today years later they are in a better place and we all have relationship with them. (I still don’t like everything about them but realize they aren’t and people that mean bad)
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amother




Ruby


Post  Wed, Nov 07 2018, 11:39 pm
We spend WAY more time with DH’s family than mine. I have never tried to take DH away from his family. His parents are nicer to me than my own are 😃
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amother




Cerulean


Post  Thu, Nov 08 2018, 8:01 am
Like anything else, some do, some don’t. Depends on the dil and the family. If you get along well with her and make her feel at home in your house, she’s secure in her marriage and you aren’t interfering or intrusive there’s no reason she should try to alienate your son’s affections.

But if you are controlling or interfering, cold or critical, or she feels her marriage is on shaky ground, or if she’s so insecure that she feels any love her dh has for his family takes away from his love for her, or if **she** is controlling or selfish and wants him all for herself and no one else, then, yes, she will.

All you can really do is try to be as warm, welcoming and loving as possible, treat her as well as you treat your own children, keep your nose out of their business, and hope for the best.
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amother




Peach


Post  Thu, Nov 08 2018, 8:15 am
Be nice to your daughter in law. Don’t speak bad about her especially to your son. Treat them well and respect them. And don’t speak bad about them as a couple to your other children.

Most people want to have a relationship with their in laws and usually if a son is distancing himself there’s a reason why. Think long and hard and look at your own behaviors in the mirror why your son wants to distance himself from you obviously he feels that you aren’t healthy for his marriage.
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amother




Navy


Post  Thu, Nov 08 2018, 8:25 am
Sometimes it's a matter of location. My kids live closer to her parents so they do go a lot. I'm glad. It gives her a well-deserved break and they're nice people who love my son. What's not to like?
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amother




Peach


Post  Thu, Nov 08 2018, 8:33 am
If you want a good relationship be interested in them as a couple. Are you accepting of your daughter in law and her needs? Do you still treat your son as if he is single or do you try to treat them like a married couple?
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hotzenplotz









  


Post  Thu, Nov 08 2018, 8:37 am
DILS sometimes follow the same pattern as their own mothers'.
My mother was kind and caring towards my grandmother always sponsoring things they could not afford, furniture, florida etc. and she considered my fathers side her own family.
I repeated the same behavior. my mil things I am SO nice but this is what I saw in my family of origin.
history repeats itself often
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jewishmom6









  


Post  Thu, Nov 08 2018, 8:47 am
amother wrote:
We spend WAY more time with DH’s family than mine. I have never tried to take DH away from his family. His parents are nicer to me than my own are 😃


same here.
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amother




Ivory


Post  Thu, Nov 08 2018, 8:50 am
Pls look in the mirror analyze your behavior if u feel your dil is trying to take your son "away" from you.

The reason is because usually dils need to act this way only bec the mil is "intruding" in their marriage, not respecting boundaries, and is too controlling. That's how it is with my mil and when I spoke to her, she wont admit anything but defends herself...shes toxic to our marriage so we need to keep our distance.

The root of the controlling behavior of a mil is usually because the mil doesn't treat the dil in a warm, loving way and maybe doesn't really love her.

If a mil loves her dil and gives her dil and son "space", respects their boundaries and marriage, then there will be no problem with the dil trying to take the son away.

And, sometimes the mil says that she's respecting boundaries, not controlling....but the dil will say that she is controlling, not respecting boundaries...so the mil needs to be honest and change her behavior.
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amother




Powderblue


Post  Thu, Nov 08 2018, 9:34 am
jewishmom6 wrote:
same here.


Me three! My mom does all the typical mother in law stuff you are not supposed to do so given the choice I would pick spending time by my in laws over my parents any day
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dancingqueen









  


Post  Thu, Nov 08 2018, 9:41 am
Op if you look at your dil as a foe with fear and distrust, then it increases the likelihood that she will try to distance at least herself from you.
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amother




Taupe


Post  Thu, Nov 08 2018, 9:56 am
amother wrote:
Is it true that many wives try to take their husbands away from their families? Why would they do that? What do you think as moms we should be doing to prevent our sons from listening to their wives when they try to distance them from us?

Is that what you did with YOUR husband????
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oakandfig19









  


Post  Thu, Nov 08 2018, 10:36 am
I don't understand this question...if you have a son, chances are that you've also been or are currently someone's daughter-in-law. Taking that into consideration, can you reflect on your own past experiences?

I also don't understand what you mean by taking away. When a man and woman get married, they are moving out and his responsibility is to his wife above all else. In a sense all marriage is taking away the child from the parents, it's a natural progression of life. It's healthy and normal to have boundaries after this point, even if it's hard. Can you clarify what you mean by taking away, because it sounds to me like you're saying that it's unfair that the husband puts his wife before his mother- that's the way it should be.

If you're worried about anything more extreme, like the wife not letting his husband ever talk to you, well to the extent that that's in your control do what you can to prevent that. This would probably mean working onestablishing healthy boundaries so the daughter in law doesn't feel resentful of the mother in law. Newlyweds especially are fragile and need to spend a lot of time together. By giving the newlyweds more space early on, you'll probably strengthen your relationship with your daughter in law.

Also, focus on building your own unique relationship with your daughter in law, don't view her as an enemy vying for your son's attention. You both love your son, you're on the same team.

I'm very blessed to have an amazing relationship with my mother in law. Granted, we don't live near her so that changes the dynamics, but nevertheless I feel that she greatly values my husband and I spending quality time together and she's not constantly calling/texting. At the same time, she makes a concerted effort to be there for me, to encourage me and see how I'm doing, and express gratitude for all that I do. For these reasons, I feel very close to her bH. And because I feel so close to her, I wouldn't take it personally if she wanted to talk to my husband on the phone for an hour every so often. (All the time would be concerning...)
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zaq









  


Post  Thu, Nov 08 2018, 11:13 am
amother wrote:
That's ridiculous . Girls are more attached to their family, while boys are more independent . Girls call their mothers daily in most of who I know from seminary, boys rarely call home to chat. It's just the nature of people . .


Generalize much?
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