Will he ever become responsible?

amother

Chartreuse

Fri, Nov 09 2018, 7:11 am

Will my ds14 ever learn to be responsible? He gets to school on time, but barely. Very often he has to be told numerous times to do something. He has gym twice a week in school and on those days he brings a bottle of water. He does usually remember to take it, so I can't fault him, but this week in particular, hence me writing this, he left without eating anything because he couldn't get up in time as usual. The first time he also forgot his water. Since I was going out and passing by the school I dropped off the water and a sandwich. The next time he had gym, he didn't forget the bottle, but he forgot to fill it the night before, so I saw it in the morning and filled it up and left it on the counter, so he took it. Food though, he did not. (I leave the house before him.) He usually comes home for lunch, but since the days he has gym, he doesn't have time, I send him with something, but since he's been able to come home right after gym and he's not so comfortable eating in school, he said he'll wait until he comes home to eat. But he needs to eat something.
Anyway, the second time he had gym, he didn't eat anything so in the morning he called me up to ask me if I can bring him money so he can go to the corner store and get something to eat. Since I just got home at that point, I told him no besides I want him to remember to be more responsible. I asked him numerous times the night before if he wants to bring lunch to school and he said no. He knows he won't be home for awhile and be hungry. He should take something or take money to buy something.
He is also very dependent. I try to do things to get him to be more independent, but it doesn't seem to work or not yet.
Now that I got the gist of what I'm saying out of the way, this is my dilema. I would like and he would like to go to a school oot next year. It would be a boarding school and he would board by family. Getting out of the house will help with the dependent thing, I hope, but I don't know about the responsibilty part. I'm really torn. On one hand I think it will help him grow up, but on the other hand, it could backfire. Any ideas or suggestions?

amother

Taupe

Fri, Nov 09 2018, 7:19 am

There are many posters here that may not agree with my methods.

my HS teen - I pack her lunch (lately she prepares it the night before, if its not to hectic). She packs her snacks and drinks. I remind her.

my shacris elementary tweens - I pack their breakfast and lunch. one dc will pack his snacks and drinks. The other dc wont - so I do it (its one snack with lots of fruits )

I wake up early to do this all. I understand my kids should do more on their own, but I have no energy to deal with the fall outs.

I wake up my kids. Anyone that makes it down to the kitchen 5 min before they must leave the house, gets hot chocolate milk. It works wonder when we have whip cream in the house.

mommy3b2c

Fri, Nov 09 2018, 7:26 am

I have no energy to go into it to deeply, and I might be wrong, but you sound exactly the way my parents were with me and still are.

I was told every single day how irresponsible I am and bailed out daily.

I am now in my thirties and they still tell me how responsible I am whenever I speak to them. My mom also still thinks she has to bail me out of everything. For example: “hi mom, I’m so frustrated, my dryer broke.”
“Omg!!! How are you going to manage??? Maybe I can come pick up your laundry?? You make everything so hard for me!!!”

Me: (in my head) “get a grip, I was just mentioning that my dryer broke”

At this point, I just don’t really call her that much and try to keep the conversations light.

amother

Chartreuse

Fri, Nov 09 2018, 7:40 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

I actually don't always bail him out. The reason why a lot of times I do bail him out though is because his anger towards me afterwards. I know its not resonable.

I don't tell him how irresponsible he is. On the contrary, when he is responsible, I mention that, not the other way around except when he makes me responsible for his mistakes. If he says it's my fault that's when I say it's because of his responsiblity, not mine if that's the case and not always. I do pick my battles.

amother

Chartreuse

Fri, Nov 09 2018, 8:00 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

I wanted to add, I understand your mother. A mother always wants to be there for their child as I'm sure you know Smile

. I'm curious, I understand your point, but what do you think and if this was the conversation with your grown child, what would you have said? Do you think you would have only been empathatic? I have other children, older children and they don't live near me so I am empathetic with them when they have a problem because I usually can't solve it anyway, but if I lived close to them, I don't know, I really don't what I would say.

amother

Brunette

Fri, Nov 09 2018, 8:41 am

Sounds like my husband tbh his mom always made sure he didn't forget anything, if he did she helped him out. I however was responsible from an early age. My mom didn't care if I had food or water in school. If I didn't bring it, I was hungry and thirsty. That's life... At 14 ... He definitely can go hungry for a couple hours. He will remember maybe not next time but definitely after a few times. If you bring him food , money or drinks he will rely on you instead of himself. He will know.. oh if I forget mom's gonna make sure I'll be fine. If he was 6 or 7... I wouldn't be strict.. but 14? Definitely. You're not doing him any favors. My husband had to learn the hard way. Once he lived with me.. he had to become responsible. I don't pack his bag, I don't ask if he forgot his keys. And he learned pretty quickly.. it's normal

amother

Hotpink

Fri, Nov 09 2018, 9:02 am

OP, if you want your kids to be responsible, you have to let them take responsibility for their actions & they should suffer the consequences. If you bring them their lunch, fill their water bottle, wake them repeatedly they know that if they forget, you'll do the stuff for them, so why should they bother??? The only way they'll learn is when they find themselves without lunch or water, getting detention for being late....

oneofakind

Fri, Nov 09 2018, 3:29 pm

The fact that he gets angry with you if something goes wrong shows he's not taking responsibility and when you do things for him next time because you are afraid of his anger only perpetuates the cycle.

Inform him that he is so grown up now, he can take care of things himself. If he complains "I was so hungry, thirsty...." Say, "Oh, that's so hard". "It's all your fault!" "Sorry honey, it's your responsibility now".

amother

Chartreuse

Sun, Nov 11 2018, 8:37 am

Thank you everybody. We discussed it and we're going to try implement things to help him.

As an aside, he did not ask me to bring him the food and water, I saw he didn't take it and I was going out anyway and passing his school, so I did it. I wouldn't have if I wasn't going out and I don't know if I would have if he asked me, but for sure the second time that week I didn't.

Thanks again!!