How to return what I stole as a child

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Forum -> Judaism -> Halachic Questions and Discussions

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amother

Cerise

Mon, Nov 19 2018, 6:32 pm

So. Shameful as it is to admit, I used to steal. I remember two people who I stole cash from as a teenager (I remember the approximate amount but not exact). I asked and was told I have to pay it back but I'm way too embarrassed to admit to them what happened and explain why I am paying them.
I can't think of a way to do it without them knowing who the money came from or why- while confirming that they indeed got the money (so I can't mail cash in an envelope because I'll have no way of knowing if it made it to them). I can't give a random gift out of nowhere. What should I do?

thunderstorm

Mon, Nov 19 2018, 6:37 pm

Isn't the idea of returning , so that you can ask them to be moichel you? Then you would have to say who you are and explain.
If say, I was a person you stole from and you returned the money with an explanation I would be so touched and admire you more than ever. My reaction would literally be the opposite of what you are thinking the reaction would be.

amother

Dodgerblue

Mon, Nov 19 2018, 6:38 pm

https://www.sapling.com/100696.....rders

amother

Cerise

Mon, Nov 19 2018, 6:45 pm

Thank you amother. But to send the money order I'll need their current addresses. I think they will suspect I sent it if they receive the money shortly after I ask for their addresses...

Thunderstorm, I just don't have the guts.

amother

Mustard

Mon, Nov 19 2018, 6:51 pm

I once stole a hard candy from waldbaums when I was a kid. There was a bin of candies near the register and when no one was looking I took one. I wonder if I have to pay it back somehow?
I think I also took food from a classmates school bag when I was in 2nd grade 🤢

You’re not the only one op.

amother

Goldenrod

Mon, Nov 19 2018, 6:55 pm

I stole from Walgreens. Still not sure how to pay it back...

amother

Mustard

Mon, Nov 19 2018, 6:56 pm

amother wrote:

I stole from Walgreens. Still not sure how to pay it back...

What did you steal?

ra_mom

Mon, Nov 19 2018, 7:08 pm

amother wrote:

Are these classmates? Is there any way to get an updated grade list so you're not asking for one person's address? Can you find them on social media and figure out their general location and/or spouse's name and then with that info look up their address in a phone book or on google? Do you know their family member's address - if so, send the money order there and write to Sara Smith c/o their relative Rivka Rein.
If you need confirmation that they received it, then send it with UPS or FedEx from a mailing center so you have an tracking # to track it with but the sender's address shows the mailing center and not your name.
Send a typed letter to let them know that as a child you stole from them and you're returning the money now - but no need to sign your name.
Good luck and great for you for taking care of this!

amother wrote:

I stole from Walgreens. Still not sure how to pay it back...

Why not send a money order to their corporate office address? I'm sure they'd appreciate an accompanying letter letting them know that you are paying for something that you took as a child.
I have a relative who owns a store and they once received such a letter with money and they always talk about it - it really made and impression and they appreciated that the adult made things right, even if they hadn't necessarily missed what was taken.

amother

Jade

Mon, Nov 19 2018, 7:27 pm

My brother recently admitted that he stole money from my piggy bank when we were kids. I was impressed by his honesty and totally didn’t hold it against him. He was a kid (okay, teenager, and old enough to know better, but still stupid) and it must have taken a lot of guts to fess up. I’d say go for it and you’ll feel so much better!!

amother

Denim

Mon, Nov 19 2018, 7:27 pm

I have been struggling with this also for 20+ years.
I stole quite a bit as a teenager. I actually apologized and asked forgiveness from someone close to me. She was so touched that I confessed this to her. We cried and had such an emotional exchange of words and feelings. The other situations were much different circumstances and I just can’t get over how shameful it would be to be face to face with those people. Sometimes when I feel like I can actually get up the nerve and do it, I think of how the response would be. Sometimes I envision a caring response and that the person would keep it just between us. When the time is right, I hope to go all the way. In the meantime, to get over the tremendous guilt I’ve been carrying around, I thoughtfully and purposely try to live an honest life. Even though I think about it, I know that my teshuva is real.

amother

Dodgerblue

Mon, Nov 19 2018, 7:36 pm

amother wrote:

Thank you amother. But to send the money order I'll need their current addresses. I think they will suspect I sent it if they receive the money shortly after I ask for their addresses...

Oh I assumed you did since you said you wouldn't mail cash.

I just keep thinking about those stories people tell when they are down to their last dime and an envelope with money comes in the mail.

Can you figure out what shul they are connected with and send the money to their Rav?

Frumwithallergies

Mon, Nov 19 2018, 7:43 pm

Op, you are evidently no longer the same person now, today as the one who stole years ago. Years ago, your actions were not coming from a place of strength. As you strategize about how to go about returning the money you stole, part of your tshuva seems to be working out how to go about it. Although it isn't easy admitting your mistake, you are coming closer to righting the wrong. I like some of the ideas listed above. Do any of the ideas work for you?

amother

Saddlebrown

Mon, Nov 19 2018, 7:43 pm

I Think you have to ask a shaleh about whether you have to confess and ask mechila. My understanding is that you have ti pay back monetary value and it can be anonymously.
Please ask LOR to clarify and save yourself this added torment.

amother

Gray

Mon, Nov 19 2018, 9:37 pm

When I was a kid (8 or 9) I used to get out of paying for the bus quite a few times ($1 each time).
I also stole candy from my 4th grade teacher"s drawer.
Before I got married I felt terribly guilty about it. I mailed an anonymous envelope with cash to both the bus company and my teacher. To my teacher I had printed up a note explaining what the money was for.
I felt much better.

Zeleze

Tue, Nov 20 2018, 2:27 am

I read once a stoy of the Steipler ZT"L about a child being Mochel

I think that its for a Rav to answer this

amother

Cerise

Tue, Nov 20 2018, 4:37 am

Op here.
Pretty sure One only had to pay back if they were over 12/13, which I was so some of you posters have nothing to worry about.
I'm going to think about this. Thanks for all your ideas.

amother

Mustard

Tue, Nov 20 2018, 4:47 am

Op, I really don’t think you have to confess at this point, rather pay back anonymously

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