Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Parenting our children
Joy or Burden?
Previous  1  2  3  Next



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother
Navy


 

Post Thu, Nov 22 2018, 8:33 am
ssspectacular wrote:
OP, do you mean a burden physically, or more in a general way?


More emotionally taxing. Worrying about their safety, how they feel, physical health, educational decisions etc. etc.
Back to top

amother
Cyan


 

Post Thu, Nov 22 2018, 9:08 am
amother wrote:
Go to one meeting of A Time and then I hope your perspective will change.


This is really unhelpful. While OP and others can empathize strongly with people who are experiencing infertility, it doesn’t mean they are not allowed to feel their children are a burden because they are fertile.

Hashem makes some people parents who then find their children burdensome. He makes others who are yearning for children infertile. I have no idea why. But the reality is that a parent should not be made to feel that their feelings are not allowed because they must only feel gratitude at all times.
Back to top

amother
Natural


 

Post Thu, Nov 22 2018, 9:50 am
amother wrote:
This was my dream too but I’m having such a hard time adjusting to how my every minute revolves around my dc. How did you come to have such a positive outlook? I love my dc and wish I didn’t feel any burden.

Please make an appointment to get screened for PPD. I've been there. There's no reason for you to have to suffer.
Back to top

Laiya




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 22 2018, 10:01 am
amother wrote:
More emotionally taxing. Worrying about their safety, how they feel, physical health, educational decisions etc. etc.


OP, as mothers, we always worry. It sounds like what you're saying is not so much that your children are a burden, but that the stress can be overwhelming.

People who hold themselves to very high inner standards, imo also seem to feel the most stressed and overwhelmed from parenting. Do you consider yourself a perfectionist?

I think the question might be, What can you do to ease some of your feelings of tension and stress, even if the situation itself doesn't change?
Back to top

amother
Teal


 

Post Thu, Nov 22 2018, 10:14 am
amother wrote:
I'm sorry if you are dealing with infertility, but your comment is equivalent to telling someone who is dealing with challenges in marriage to "talk to an older single and hopefully your perspective will change". Or to a person who has a difficult relationship with her mother- "talk to an orphan and your perspective will change"...very off-base in my estimation!


No it should put things in perspective for people who aren’t grateful for what they have and even see it as a burden. No I’m thankful I’m not suffering from infertility and I would never complain that having kids is a burden. I think it’s awful to say I think it’s a slap in the face to HKBH who blessed you with the greatest gift a child and I don’t think anyone should say it. Don’t think the kids won’t get that message transmitted to them either.
Back to top

amother
Teal


 

Post Thu, Nov 22 2018, 10:15 am
amother wrote:
Thank you so much for this. When I posted my question, I was aware that it may be difficult for many to answer honestly...I know it doesn't 'sound good' to say that we are overwhelmed by parenting...but maybe the ones who feel the pinch are actually working harder at it- (and maybe even doing it better...?)


Saying its difficult is way different then saying it’s a burden.
Back to top

amother
Navy


 

Post Thu, Nov 22 2018, 10:19 am
amother wrote:
No it should put things in perspective for people who aren’t grateful for what they have and even see it as a burden. No I’m thankful I’m not suffering from infertility and I would never complain that having kids is a burden. I think it’s awful to say I think it’s a slap in the face to HKBH who blessed you with the greatest gift a child and I don’t think anyone should say it. Don’t think the kids won’t get that message transmitted to them either.


Hopefully your anger is not transmitted to your children...

And careful about misquoting. I did not say that my children are a burden- but that I am burdened by parenting. Notice the difference.
Back to top

keym




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 22 2018, 10:48 am
Op it sounds like you love your children but you feel stressed and weighed down by the parenting decisions and worry.
I totally relate sometimes. I love my children, they are my joy.
But regular parenting- how should I discipline, should we do medical situation xyz, what school, dealing with a rebbi who kicked the kid out of class, child not doing well etc- all of these regular stuff are not a joy and these worries and stresses block me from feeling the daily joy of parenting.

And if I find going to pta meetings a burden, that doesn't mean the kids themselves are a burden. It just means that all the responsibilities involved in raising these kids are very heavy or overwhelming or stressful right now.
Back to top

Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 22 2018, 11:03 am
amother wrote:
No it should put things in perspective for people who aren’t grateful for what they have and even see it as a burden. No I’m thankful I’m not suffering from infertility and I would never complain that having kids is a burden. I think it’s awful to say I think it’s a slap in the face to HKBH who blessed you with the greatest gift a child and I don’t think anyone should say it. Don’t think the kids won’t get that message transmitted to them either.

And I think your thinking is very black and white
I hope you never have to feel on your own skin what it means to have a difficult child, or have difficulty parenting, in order to be forced off your high horse. Better learn to be more accepting before that happens.
Back to top

amother
Navy


 

Post Thu, Nov 22 2018, 11:32 am
keym wrote:
Op it sounds like you love your children but you feel stressed and weighed down by the parenting decisions and worry.
I totally relate sometimes. I love my children, they are my joy.
But regular parenting- how should I discipline, should we do medical situation xyz, what school, dealing with a rebbi who kicked the kid out of class, child not doing well etc- all of these regular stuff are not a joy and these worries and stresses block me from feeling the daily joy of parenting.

And if I find going to pta meetings a burden, that doesn't mean the kids themselves are a burden. It just means that all the responsibilities involved in raising these kids are very heavy or overwhelming or stressful right now.


This! Thanks for articulating my feelings keym.
Back to top

oneofakind




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Nov 22 2018, 3:34 pm
My children are grown and I found the physical aspects of pregnancy and everything after that a great burden. One time, I found myself wishing to adopt a kid of age 3 or older to bypass everything that came before.

I was very "burdened" by the difficulties of two of my children (ADHD and learning disabilities) but what I was missing was support. Today they give me a tremendous amount of joy, as do their siblings.

I think that every mother needs to learn self care and get adequate support (even if she has to pay for it) to deal with the stress and anxiety and that will help make into more of a joy.

P.S.I hated PTA with a passion, even for the kids who were good students.
Back to top

amother
Orange


 

Post Thu, Nov 22 2018, 3:40 pm
Keym articulated exactly how it is for me. I love my kids, don't mind their mess, laundry, cooking/feeding them etc. My oldest (who isn't exactly old,) is getting old enough to get into trouble at school etc. He has an anxious personality,gets upset pretty easily, and sticks up for what he thinks is right. But he makes decisions I don't approve of, and does certain things even though we have had multiple conversations about how these are not ways to behave.
Ex: he hit a kid on the bus. He tells me the bus driver made a strict rule that everyone must sit. This kid didn't want to sit. Even after my son asked him multiple times. So he got upset and hit him.
Bus driver gave him one more chance and he'll be kicked off.

He obviously shouldn't have hit the kid. HOW MANY TIMES have we spoken about not using our hands to hurt someone else?!?!?!

But He is his own person and I can't control him. It definitely gets me stressed out. I worry about his social life.

And I do think about whether I want to have more kids with (possibly) his personality.
Back to top

amother
Lemon


 

Post Thu, Nov 22 2018, 3:42 pm
Op, do you have sufficient emotional support for yourself?

When I have the support I need it is a joy. When I am without support it feels like a burden.
Back to top

amother
Amber


 

Post Thu, Nov 22 2018, 3:56 pm
amother wrote:
Op, do you have sufficient emotional support for yourself?

When I have the support I need it is a joy. When I am without support it feels like a burden.



This this this!!!

I just had my first and I have been looking forward to this since I was little. But, in barrels this little bundle of tears and spit up and it was NOT what I was prepared for. He's 8 months now and I think I had my first "joyful parenting" moment like 3 months ago.
Everything about parenting this little guy is easier when I have a shoulder to cry on and someone to laugh with.
Back to top

amother
Honeydew


 

Post Thu, Nov 22 2018, 4:51 pm
My kids are now teens and when I look at pictures or videos of then when they were little, I'm thinking "wow, how adorable they were" but at the time I was too busy being worried about their schedules and needs and making sure they didn't fall asleep in the car or it would ruin their nights etc so yes I understand how you feel. I wish we could enjoy the moment more, without the constant worrying about getting things done. Now that my kids are older, whenever I'm around parents with small children and they're too busy getting their kids to do stuff, I want to yell "look how cute your kid is being right now, you're not even noticing!"

I guess that's why they say grandchildren are so much more enjoyable than children Wink
Back to top

amother
Seafoam


 

Post Thu, Nov 22 2018, 5:02 pm
When they were very young it was mostly burden and I felt I related to them as things I had to maintain,keep clean and polished. They had their moments but it was very hard. Maintenance was all I had time for, not really to enjoy them. As they got older it became more fun. And now they’re married and parents and it’s payback time—I get to be Grandma and enjoy the babies in a way I didn’t enjoy their parents.
Back to top

amother
Olive


 

Post Thu, Nov 22 2018, 5:34 pm
I found the baby stage easier, and various needs and educational decisions for the older kids harder. Some kids are less flexible and need more involvement.
Back to top

amother
Teal


 

Post Sat, Nov 24 2018, 3:18 pm
amother wrote:
I feel the heavy weight of my responsibility as a mother, and this sucks the joy out of raising my children. I often wonder if others feel differently (especially seeing so many big families).

Of course there are many happy times and moments, woven together with the more challenging ones- but as a generalization, would you say that you really enjoy parenting? Or are you burdened by it?



In this week's Parashah Vayishlach, Yaakov sent extravagant gifts to Esav and, initially, Esav refused saying, "יש לי רב - I have a lot already." But Yaakov pressed him saying, "יש לי כל - I have everything," and Esav accepted. The Chafetz Chaim pointed out, these statement which Yaakov and Esav made are so telling about their attitude toward what Hashem has given them in this world. What Esav said means even though I have, there's still more that could be had - I wish I had more. While what Yaakov said means Hashem has given him everything that he needs and, therefore, he's totally satisfied and content. Hashem does give everybody exactly what they need to be successful in this world. Everyone is blessed in their own way and, if they could appreciate their blessings, they'll live much happier lives.
A man told, about himself, how overwhelmed he was just in the day to day struggles of raising a family. He had many children and they kept him and his wife very busy. When he came home each night, he walked up a few flights of steps to his apartment, usually out of breath by the time he reached the door. He would then brace himself for what he was about to see. Usually his house was flying, knapsacks all over the place, shoes, coats thrown on the floor. From the moment he walked in the door, he wouldn't have a second to breathe. This child needed help with his homework, his wife, who taught in school all day long, needed help with dinner and help bathing the children, this child needed a drink, this one needed to be changed, this one needed a ride to his friend's house, and it just kept going. So many times, all he wanted was just to be able to lie down after a long day's work or, at least, just sit on the couch and read a book. He never had a moment's peace in his house and it bothered him. He would snap at the children when it got too noisy. When he was really stressed out, he would even snap at his wife.
One day, his wife asked him to pick up a package from someone's house on his way home from work. He knocked on that person's door and entered a beautifully furnished, immaculate home that had complete silence. The owner of the home offered him a glass of water with a big smile on his face. He accepted, sat down for a minute to drink it and started talking to the host. He told him, "I'm so amazed at how quiet your house is. It's so refreshing. I'm enjoying the peace and quiet immensely. In my house, I don't even have a minute to have a drink of water. When I get home, I'm busy with the kids from the first second. On your floor, there isn't even one knapsack out, no pairs of shoes anywhere to be seen. I envy you."
After a few moments of silence, the host replied, "Yes, we do have a lot of peace and quiet here, but we've been hoping for years to one day have a child to throw his knapsack on the floor. To have a child to ask me for help with his homework or even to clean up his messes and make noise."
The man felt terrible for what he said. At the same time, he began experiencing an overwhelming feeling of gratitude to Hashem for what he did have. How could he complain? Baruch Hashem, he had children to come home to, he had homework to do, floors to clean. What a blessing!
The owner of the house continued, "Don't worry, I do appreciate everything I do have. When my wife and I were going through a hard time with infertility, I came home one night and she was smiling. I asked her why she was happy. She told me about a friend of hers who got scammed out of a lot of money and she and her husband lost their house and they are in desperate need of a place to live. So, again, I asked her, why was she happy? She replied, 'Of course, I'm very distraught about what my friend is going through, but I'm happy that, Baruch Hashem, we have a house to live in and it's all paid for,' and she continued, 'I started thinking of all the blessings that I have and, Baruch Hashem, I'm much happier now.'"
When the man went home that night, he thanked Hashem with all of his heart for what he had, before he entered his house. He was so happy to walk in and see knapsacks on the floor, coats not hung up, the children begging him for help, and he never complained about those responsibilities again.
We all have such Beracha, one way or another. If we appreciate it, we'll be happy. And if we thank Hashem for it, we'll be doing the greatest Avodah. (From Rabbi Ashear)
Back to top

amother
Cyan


 

Post Sat, Nov 24 2018, 3:50 pm
amother wrote:
Please make an appointment to get screened for PPD. I've been there. There's no reason for you to have to suffer.


It is possible to feel like this without having PPD. Just most women don’t admit readily to feeling that their kids are a burden as they would most likely face a lynching on here.
Back to top

amother
Slateblue


 

Post Sat, Nov 24 2018, 4:43 pm
amother wrote:
Please make an appointment to get screened for PPD. I've been there. There's no reason for you to have to suffer.


This! Make sure u are doing well emotionally. I found taking care of my emotional health has tremendously enabled me to enjoy parenting.
Back to top
Page 2 of 3 Previous  1  2  3  Next Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Cricut joy vs other cricuts
by amother
6 Tue, Mar 28 2023, 5:19 pm View last post