If I invite your family - and you accept - kids count!!

amother

Pearl

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 12:43 pm

I have ranted on Imamother before about people who can't be bothered to RSVP or commit when invited over. But now I have a new rant....

We had a malave malka and invited several families. I was VERY clear in the wording of my invitation that the whole family was invited. So when you text me back, "we're coming!" I assume that means you're all coming.

I understand that sometimes things happen last minute.... a kid gets sick, another is whiny and doesn't want to come, maybe another got a last minute sleepover at someone's house, etc. But SIXTEEN kids I was expecting didn't show up. No explanation or apology. They just didn't come.

That's a lot of extra food (time and money). That's my kids setting up extra tables and chairs, setting places for 16 no-shows. That's my kids feeling hurt that kids they were excited to see and play with just didn't come and parents neither explained or apologized.

So please, please, those of you who rationalize that somehow kids don't count, nobody will miss them, they don't really eat much, take up room, etc. It's not true and it's not nice. When you RSVP for your family, your hostess is expecting your family.

amother

Amber

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 1:06 pm

ectomorph wrote:

This is very cultural.

are you in the same community that you grew up in?

I dont understand. What could be cultural about letting your host know some of your family wont be attending??

ectomorph

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 1:08 pm

amother wrote:

I dont understand. What could be cultural about letting your host know some of your family wont be attending??

Like you yourself said a melave malka is a casual thing and a lot of ppl might think it doesn't matter.

I personally would tell just being dlkz here

thunderstorm

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 1:13 pm

OP, did you specify that children were invited? Because I received my nephews Bar Mitzvah invitation and it was addressed to Mr and Mrs ABC . I assumed that maybe the kids weren't invited. It usually says Mr and Mrs ABC and Family.
I had to ask my SIL if my kids were invited and it felt very awkward doing so.
Also lots of people are not bringing their children to family events and simchos due to the measles and the possibility of someone not being vaccinated . I don't know where you live and if that would apply.

amother

Amber

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 1:16 pm

ectomorph wrote:

Like you yourself said a melave malka is a casual thing and a lot of ppl might think it doesn't matter.

I personally would tell just being dlkz here

Ur mixing me up with op, but no worries.
I just do not agree that its ok to show up to a planned melava malka and not tell your host that some people arent attending. Last minute things like somene not feeling well or something pop up is obviously fine.
But its very standard to tell a host when you as a family, or members of your family, are not coming.

amother

Bisque

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 1:27 pm

When my family has events like this, we never know how many of the kids will be coming. For me, if I know when I say we're coming, I tell what I know. But it often changes, and my family is ok with that. In return, we are also all ok if some of the kids need to sit on laps because the estimate was wrong.

If I were in your family, and my kid count changed four times in two weeks, including the night before and the night of, would you want a text each time? Could you send out a message to everyone a couple days before asking for what their expected numbers are at that point? You said you're fine with last minute "I don't want to go"s or invites for kids, so this would give you all the info except that and convey that you are anticipating the kids' arrival.

Cheiny

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 1:52 pm

amother wrote:

So the solution is, when you ask for an rsvp, specify that you need an exact number of how many will be attending.

Kiwi13

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 1:58 pm

Do the people you’re inviting know that their kids are also invited? When I think of melaveh malka I don’t assume kids are invited unless specified by the host.

ETA I reread your OP where you said it was clear in your wording. I guess it’s still possible that someone didn't read it carefully (like I didn’t). If it’s the same people doing this over and over then maybe talk to them. If it happens a lot maybe look into how you’re doing the invites.

amother

Lemon

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 2:05 pm

This has happened to me before. Also struggle with families who feed their kids before coming over - and don't say that they will. I work so hard to cook and prep for all those kids and end up with tons of leftovers... and I try to make foods that kids would like too! If you're going to not bring your kids, or if you'll feed your kids first, at least have the courtesy to let me know first...

mha3484

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 2:18 pm

I find that some kids really are not predictable and come motzei shabbos and need downtime not more socializing. Some parents RSVP thinking their kid will be fine to go out and find out that they really are not. A friend of mine once asked me how I get my kids to behave at family functions and my answer was knowing when to leave. It took me ages though to figure out a good balance. Also for some of us Sunday is a school day so its more complicated.

gumby

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 2:22 pm

I am thinking that it’s possible the families didn’t realize kids were invited. Seems odd to me that numerous families didn’t bring kids so I believe they must not have thought they were invited. If the timing was late they may have assumed kids were not included.

amother

Pearl

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 3:48 pm

OP here. Wording was, “we would love for your family to join us” and then, maybe because I’m backside, or maybe because I’m sick of flakey people, I followed up with a text a week before and again Erev Shabbos saying “we are so excited to see your whole mishpacha!” I really don’t know how any of that could translate to couples only.
Also, I know for some these gatherings are kind of informal so I get a lot of “I’ll try to swing by” responses and I tell those people, “no, don’t swing by. We’ll give you a rain check. We want to actually spend time with you and your family, not guess if you might or might not stop by.” I really do think I’m doing what I should on my end to be clear.

amother

Peach

Mon, Nov 26 2018, 4:25 pm

so sorry
about feeding kids before -- some kids can't wait and some kids have a limited food likes and kids can be unpredictable schedules from day to day

still makes it harder
so yes id clarify how many planning to come how many planning to eat though still regarding kids id be flexible