ADHD Likes to light fires

malky800

Fri, Nov 30 2018, 8:27 am

In the last few weeks we kept finding someone lighting fires in the alley behind my house. We would call the fire dept.
Once it caught fire on my neighbors fence.
I started to suspect my son had something to do with it. Every time we found a fire my son happened to be playing outside or just came in from bike riding.
He adamantly said it wasnt him. How can he have been able to do it. Etc.
Then, last night I was out at a school dinner and my older daughter called hysterical, there was a grass fire in my neighbors back yard. She poured water on it at it was out.
In the morning I went to the scene of the crime and found the cardboard he used to light the fire. It came from a box of diapers
Same one from my house, torn off in the exact same spot.
My 11 yr old son is Adhd. When I confronted with the evidence, he didnt seem to have too much charata. More like, I like lighting fires and see what happened.
I know he likes fires. He is constantly touching my candles after hadlakas neiros, even on shabbos. Same with the havdalah candles.
My husband spoke to the social workers. They said dont punish him because he will be scared to tell you next time he does it. Let him come talk to you instead.
Has anyone ever had a kid like this?
Any suggestions on getting him to stop? He doesn't seem to allow the aspect of the danger to really be able to stop him from doing it.

amother

Honeydew

Fri, Nov 30 2018, 9:27 am

Normally I am not an alarmist about children's behavior but what you are describing can be potentially extremely serious.

While punishment is not going to cure a compulsion, I think that you need to consult with a very skilled child psychiatrist because a compulsion to start fires is not going to stop but can accelerate and then he is an arsonist who commits crimes - actually what he is doing now is criminal and it is lucky that there hasn't been damage so the authorities having become involved.

I realize that it is only arson but there is a correlation between childhood arson; bedwetting and cruelty to animals that presages significant adult psychological issues.

imasinger

Fri, Nov 30 2018, 9:36 am

I have seen this before in kids with ADHD. (Not my own, but kids I taught).

Three approaches seem to help.

1. Medication. What are you doing to help him with impulse control? Is it wearing off at the times the fires have been happening?

2. Supervision. He should be monitored all the time, until the lesson is solidified. No bike riding or playing outside without someone watching. He can earn back bike riding by gradual completion of work explaining why fires are dangerous.

3. Discussion with an appropriate mental health resource. Regular counseling, and possibly some extra parent training specialized for kids with impulse issues.

Hatzlacha!

malky800

Fri, Nov 30 2018, 9:58 am

I am extremely perturbed because yes it is a dangerous thing.
But he is doing it not because he wants to hurt people , but because he cant control himself
One year, he was shoplifting. Ok. That's a strong word. But everytime I took him with me to a store, he would have taken something in his pocket.
It's there, I take it . I want a fire, I'll just do it.
He has been seeing therapist after therapist. But I haven't found one really changing his life.
I just hope one day he matures and responds better.

amother

Blonde

Fri, Nov 30 2018, 10:31 am

OP, is he on medication? My 10-year-old started recently and it has made a huge difference in his life. He's never done such dangerous things, but I'd think that this super-impulsive behavior would warrant it.

Can you allow him to set controlled fires? Like in a fire pit or a fireplace? We have both and my son knows how to light, stoke, and extinguish the fire, and be careful around it. He's fascinated by fire too (so am I!) but he's never done anything remotely dangerous with it. I think it helps that he's allowed to use it in a safe, supervised manner.

amother

Amethyst

Fri, Nov 30 2018, 10:43 am

Please have your child taken to a psychiatrist for evaluation. Sometimes a child presents initially with ADHD but then over time it becomes clear the diagnosis is incorrect - the symptoms you are describing could be something else. ADHD in kids is the modern day catch-all diagnosis, because most kids meet criteria.

Please don't wait to get treatment, and be sure that your child/you are receiving treatment from someone who is qualified and experienced in this area.

seeker

Fri, Nov 30 2018, 12:33 pm

First of all, OP, big hugs. This must be so, so painful to realize.

I can actually relate to the DS in this story. I never attained pyromaniac status but fire is a very, very fascinating thing. And as the DS himself said, he just wanted to see what would happen.

I think that in addition to whatever other measures you take, it would probably be a good idea to work with this fascination instead of against it. It seems clear that if you work against it, he will find other ways to get at it. But if you find safe and healthy outlets for him, then he can learn how to get what he wants responsibly. Fire is to be respected - it is beautiful and incredibly powerful, both for good and bad. So yes, he needs a good wake-up call to the dangers of fires and burns, a consequence for his dangerous actions, and a severe warning for the future. But he probably also needs a hands-on education in building a campfire safely. He should have his own menorah this Chanukah, with a lesson and conditions of safety, but that he can under supervision have the experience of lighting flames in a controlled environment, and he can watch them to his heart's content as long as he follows the rules. He should visit a fire station with friendly firefighters who can show him their really cool equipment while at the same time showing him just how powerful fire can be. He says he wants to see what would happen - maybe cultivate an interest in other types of science experiments.

Punishments and threats (including the threat of "here's how bad a burn can be") have their place but they don't address the aspect where people with ADHD are propelled by their own internal interests. Show him how to channel those drives in acceptable ways. Separately from that but related, the impulsivity needs work. Everyone needs to have enough impulse control to not set their neighbor's yard on fire. Medication might help with that.