Having friends over to socialize

amother

Smokey

Fri, Nov 30 2018, 12:57 pm

From time to time my DH invites friends over for shabbos meals or plain to socialize. I was never fully comfortable with the idea of couples socializing together, and now that my kids are getting older I'm thinking that I'm not doing the right thing and this is not the type of home I want to build. I told DH that I want to put a stop to it for the children's sake. He doesnt fully understand why but he agreed. An I wrong?
Btw, we are chassidish and the schools have a rule that non family couples shouldn't socialize.
Please no bashing, I beg you.

causemommysaid

Fri, Nov 30 2018, 1:00 pm

I kind of think it's wrong of you to stop your husband from socializing with his friends.

I'm not Chassidish so I can't say in terms of your community, but it sounds like there are enough people in your circle who don't find this to be an issue.

Make sure he is really ok with giving it up.

amother

Ginger

Fri, Nov 30 2018, 1:01 pm

As you are uncomfortable with it, and the school rules, and your children are getting older then it stands to reason you would put an end to it and focus on creating the type of home you want and in synch with children's chinuch.

wondering why you put this on open forum and not under a private one in which probably more would understand where you are holding and give answers more suitable to your situation...?

amother

Ivory

Fri, Nov 30 2018, 1:03 pm

I admire that you were able to do that even though it's something your husband doesn't understand.

I completely agree that couples socializing is a boundary that shouldn't be crossed however not everyone shares that Hashkafa so you'll get a very wide range of responses here.

amother

Smokey

Fri, Nov 30 2018, 1:05 pm

Causemommysaid, I'm not keeping my DH from socializing from his friends at all. They hang out all the time. If it's just men that come I dont sit with them. The issue is couples coming and socializing together.
I didnt put this in the chassidish forum because its not very active.

causemommysaid

Fri, Nov 30 2018, 1:09 pm

amother wrote:

Can you have a rule only for meals?

Many people do that because it gives structure to the socializing.

MiracleMama

Fri, Nov 30 2018, 1:17 pm

amother wrote:

This isn't a value that I personally relate to, but if it's important to you and you're sending to a school with this rule, then you should follow the rule, definitely. I guess I just don't understand why your DH doesn't understand, since you are both chasidish and presumably have very similar upbringings. Is it that he doesn't understand or that he doesn't agree?

amother

Smokey

Fri, Nov 30 2018, 1:24 pm

I guess what makes it harder for DH to understand is that he grew up in an all boy house so he can't relate to the issue of girls spending time with boys and men.

MiracleMama

Fri, Nov 30 2018, 2:16 pm

amother wrote:

I guess what makes it harder for DH to understand is that he grew up in an all boy house so he can't relate to the issue of girls spending time with boys and men.

Why? If there is a concern of young girls around boys and men then isn't their also equally a concern of young (certainly teen) boys around girls and women? And if not, why?

dancingqueen

Fri, Nov 30 2018, 2:23 pm

amother wrote:

I guess what makes it harder for DH to understand is that he grew up in an all boy house so he can't relate to the issue of girls spending time with boys and men.

What issues are you worried about at a shabbos meal?

For us, shabbos without socializing with other families would be missing a lot of the beauty of shabbos. But to each their own.

amother

Lawngreen

Fri, Nov 30 2018, 2:37 pm

Can you meet in the middle?

For example not have them over every week only occasionally. Also, this is what's done in our (not chassidish) yeshiva for the young marrieds. You don't invite the same couple over more than once a year and vice versa. This way you get your "couples meal" with them but create a boundry to not form friendships between the spouses. So I would say maybe once a month he can have a friend but not the same friend each time (until you run out and need to start again.)

amother

Ivory

Fri, Nov 30 2018, 2:39 pm

I really think this is a question for the chassidish forum. The answers and comments that will be here are not going to be reflective of where you're coming from.

amother

Blush

Fri, Nov 30 2018, 3:23 pm

amother wrote:

Why do you go out of your way not to make friends? (please read as honest question. I'm not grokking the thinking behind this. I thought that it was good to have friends? Friends are certainly not banned in the torah. Also doesn't this make it hard to fulfill the mitzvah of hachnassat orchim? We have at least one couple over for at least one meal every Shabbos.)

SuperWify

Fri, Nov 30 2018, 3:33 pm

We’re yeshivish and we always have couples over and go out to them. We have yeshivsh to modern Orthodox guests, everyone in between and last week we had a Chassidish family and both husband and wife seemed comfortable with the arrangement. (Then again maybe they weren’t the most Chassidish couple?)

amother

Lawngreen

Fri, Nov 30 2018, 3:43 pm

amother wrote:

Sorry if I wasn't clear! I meant opposite gender friends. They're all my husbands friends from Yeshiva so he sees them all everyday, lunch etc..
I hang out with my friends as often as I can (also we all live within a 15 minute walk...). I think the point of the hashkafah is to not make the guys super comfortable with specific women, does that make sense? Same reason why we also don't hold of double dates...

However, this probably has a lot to do with the age of the couples. Mostly everyone in our kollel is under 30ish. I don't think what I am saying applies to people that are older, less recently married, more mature, with older kids etc.