How do I detach myself emotionally from child's education??

amother

Gold

Sat, Dec 01 2018, 7:51 pm

I realized that I take my child's studying and tests way too much to heart. I pressure my child to study and do well, and I feel like I am reflecting my years in school onto him. My child is smart, but unorganized and doesn't really care if he doesn't do too well on tests.
I, on the other hand, get so upset when he doesn't get in the 90s or if I know he studied really hard for a test, and ends up getting a few wrong, just because of carelessness.

How can I let go a little?? I literally feel like I'm back in school!!!!!

amother

Seafoam

Sat, Dec 01 2018, 7:58 pm

Can you become friendly with the little child in you? Then be more friendly with the child who sits in front of you?

Don't need to detach. Just need to re-adjust the attachment. Recalibrate. Detaching is like a numbing, and numb moms are not what we're aiming for.

amother

Olive

Sun, Dec 02 2018, 6:00 am

Quote:

Can you become friendly with the little child in you? Then be more friendly with the child who sits in front of you?

What?

amother

Red

Sun, Dec 02 2018, 9:07 am

I'll tell you. I went to school with kids that were okay students, struggled, did not take APs or honors classes and ended up neuroscientists with advanced degrees and students with straight As and perfect SATs who became realtors. Obviously that was not always the case, but it is more the child's long term goals and dreams that steer them in the right direction as they mature. I also know students who became lawyers and are struggling financially whereas others opened their own businesses and are very successful. Again, the drive, the passion, Hashem, etc. People have to try their best and have a good work ethic, but the pressure is not necessary what gets them far.

amother

Copper

Sun, Dec 02 2018, 9:24 am

My mother was like you (but also pressured me in many other ways) and she really did a number on my self confidence and self esteem... I felt that if I woke up one day and Hashem didn't give me the ability to get a 100, she'd hate me...
Also, I noticed that in my grade, many of the poor students are now phenomenally successful (run their own business, or have great, well paying, fulfilling careers) while many of us A students do not have such outwardly success...
keep in mind that the relationship with your child is the goal.
Speak to other parents or teachers to find out what the norm is in terms of helping your child/ studying with them, and do JUST that, no more.
It's great that your self aware.

levlongnprosper

Sun, Dec 02 2018, 9:32 am

Unorganized and careless? At home and at school? Can he also seem forgetful or distracted or zoned out sometimes?

Have you considered having your child evaluated for ADHD? Some quite high functioning and successful people don't get diagnosed because they can get by, but it gets harder to manage as adult responsibilities grow.

An ADHD evaluation can help figure out if this is just you child's personality or if there's more to it. Even if you're not interested in medication, it can help you and your child understand what's going on-- that your child is still smart despite not always being "smart" in the ways that school tests for. And it can help you and your child learn ways to cope, like ADHD-friendly organization tools, routines, etc.

amother

Cerise

Sun, Dec 02 2018, 9:54 am

I do the same thing. Sad

I was a smart kid but wasted my brains fooling around all through school. I really want my kids to succeed, but I've been warned on several occasions by their teachers and principal to back off. My kids are b"h all A+ students but I'm already seeing the side effects of the years of pressure I put on them. DH hates it, and I sometimes tell them 98% is fine, but who am I kidding, they know I'm saying that because I have to and I still want to see that 100%. Every time I talk to their teachers I ask where my kids rank in their classes. I can't help it. I grew up in an abusive home and found relief in clowning around. My kids don't have that excuse so there's no reason not to do their best.