S/O what do you do to avoid a handshake?

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Forum -> Judaism -> Halachic Questions and Discussions

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Rappel

Mon, Dec 03 2018, 5:54 am

What do you do when you want to avoid shaking a hand with a male?

For me:

If I'm going to have a long-standing relationship with this person, then I'll salute him. The guy invariably copies the motion, usually with a grin. The important part is that the guy has a motion he can do; that puts him at ease, and doesn't leave him hanging. Then the whole situation becomes fun, instead of awkward. No explanations needed.

If it's a chance meeting, then I'll either:
-make sure my hands are full (ex: carry 2 drinks at a party)
-(fake) sneeze into my hand (then I'm the awkward/embarrassed one, not him.)

What about you?

33055

Mon, Dec 03 2018, 6:10 am

I explain that I don't shake hands with men because of religious reasons.

yo'ma

Mon, Dec 03 2018, 6:48 am

I don't avoid it. I shake hands, but here they kiss and sometimes it's too late. When I go somewhere with my dh they shake his hand and try to kiss me, but my dh says something before bh. My ds14 had this problem. He's seeing a therapist of somesort. The first time she kissed him and me. It was like, whoah, especially for him because he usually doesn't interact with strangers. The next time we went, I told her right off the bat, that he'll shake your hand, but no kiss.

Be happy with the handshakes. I once went to a doctor with my dd and as we were leaving he grabbed my head and kissed the top of it. The same to my dd. It was so uncomfortable. When we were deciding if she should go back to the doctor (it was for a sprained ankle), I said we're not going to him.

mommy3b2c

Mon, Dec 03 2018, 6:53 am

My husband gets hugged and kissed all the time. It happens. Nothing to do about it.

amother

Seashell

Mon, Dec 03 2018, 7:26 am

This is a bit issue for me and comes up frequently at work. My coworkers are aware of my religious restriction, but when meeting new people (who have come in for a one time meeting, etc.) it’s very uncomfortable. I try to keep my hands otherwise occupied, but if a hand is extended, I am forced to explain that I don’t shake hands with men for religious reasons. If the wife is there, I shake her hand twice and say one is for husband, etc.

Most uncomfortable situations - After Hurricane Sandy, lines for gas were blocks long and controlled by police officers. I explained to a police officer that I lived on the block of the gas station, and he did me a favor by letting me into the closed line for gas. When I thanked him profusely, he was very gracious and then extended his hand. I felt like two cents refusing to shake it . . . When my husband came home later, I asked him to go and shake that officer’s hand for me, but the officer was already gone. . .

Another notably uncomfortable situation was at work, when I helped a couple with their son, and the parents were extremely grateful. . . While thanking me, the father extended his hand, and I began my explanation - but he only spoke Spanish, so he didn’t understand me, and until his wife could translate, he was left standing awkwardly, with his hand out . . . Again, I was feeling like two cents . . . (I did shake his wife’s hand an extra time for him, after I finished my explanation . . .)

One factor that greatly increases the difficulty and discomfort for me at work is that all the other frum people I work with, do shake hands. Makes it difficult for me to explain that this is for religious reasons, when all the other religious people do shake hands . . .

sky

Mon, Dec 03 2018, 7:31 am

I explain very matter affect “I don’t shake hands”.
I like to keep it short but it has led to misunderstandings like

Some thought I also don’t shake with women. I worked with one lady for years and she was like “I wish I could hug you”. And I was like you can.

Many didn’t realize it was religion. Like maybe it was a cleanliness thing.

I do have some fun fake air handshakes with people I’ve been working with for years.

At this point if I meet someone with an ‘old’ coworker they’ll sometimes explain before the other person even reaches out. I always appreciate it.

One guy once gave me a shoulder punch instead. I explained I can’t do that either.

I find people to be extremely understanding and nice about it.

1091

Mon, Dec 03 2018, 7:34 am

As I said in the other OP,.I shake hands.

Not eating with them I explain away. Not drinking with them I explain away. But not shaking their hands is offensive to many and it’s hard enough being the only frum woman in an office.

sky

Mon, Dec 03 2018, 7:57 am

1091 wrote:

I’m the only frum women most of my coworkers ever met.
I do go out to eat. Just bring my own food (I always check with the restaurant first to make sure it’s ok) My rav told me because it’s in a place there are so few Jews it’s ok for me to go into restaurants.
They haven’t even picked up on the kosher thing after years of working with the same team...

mommy3b2c

Mon, Dec 03 2018, 8:04 am

1091 wrote:

I don’t understand. Why can’t you eat with them?

1091

Mon, Dec 03 2018, 8:14 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

I don’t understand. Why can’t you eat with them?

My office orders in lunch everyday. I always order on my own. We eat at our desks but the comraderie is in the ordering and I just can’t do that.

When I was more junior I would go out to eat at non kosher restaurants that would order me food in. Now we more often will go somewhere kosher - I’ve an amazing boss. But long ago in my career I would go out with them and just drink a coke while they ate. I wouldn’t do that anymore.

amother

Burgundy

Mon, Dec 03 2018, 9:02 am

I explain that I don't shake hands with men for religious reasons. I need to constantly explain this to my students, too, since they'll tap me on the shoulder or hold out their fist for a punch.

Last edited by amother on Fri, Jul 12 2019, 10:17 am; edited 1 time in total

sky

Mon, Dec 03 2018, 9:15 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

I don’t understand. Why can’t you eat with them?

There are halschos. I ask many times and get different answers based on the situation.
When I was single I traveled with groups of men. I was told I should not go into restaurant or eat out with them while on the road.
Celebration parties or outings I join in non Jewish area.
Business meetings With clients I eat with them. I try to order in and bring my own food
Random socializing I do not go out with them.

There is no kosher restaurant within 1/2 hour of work so at least we would never go out there.

tryinghard

Mon, Dec 03 2018, 9:16 am

I usually just smile and say "I'm sorry, I don't shake hands" - whenever possible I try to preempt them by sneaking that in before they stick out their hand. The funny thing is, during the winter and early spring, I very often get the response "Oh that's smart" - they think it's to avoid germs!

Chayalle

Mon, Dec 03 2018, 9:18 am

Squishy wrote:

I explain that I don't shake hands with men because of religious reasons.

This is what I do, but I like OP's idea. I wonder if a thumbs up would work.

I used to have a manager who was a religious Catholic (a rarity there days. When I say religious I mean it here....) and she was very respectful of my religious needs. She used to help me out by telling the guys that I won't shake. She has since retired, and I haven't had to go into the office since (I work from home) but if I ever have to go again, I would try some of these new tips as needed.....

flowerpower

Mon, Dec 03 2018, 9:18 am

I had that a few times at work. Big professors came to observe and then shook everyones hand. Of course they started with me and I had to explain that we don’t shake hands. They weren’t offended at all and seemed to respect it.

trixx

Mon, Dec 03 2018, 9:29 am

An er doctor just tried to shake my hand and I held them up and was like, my kid is sick!
But usually I just smile and say right after I say my name, I'm sorry I don't shake hands

mommy3b2c

Mon, Dec 03 2018, 9:33 am

sky wrote:

There is a Halacha not to eat with non Jews? I’ve heard of this as a hashkafa thing, like not to get to friendly. Never heard this as a Halacha.

ectomorph

Mon, Dec 03 2018, 9:46 am

Squishy wrote:

I explain that I don't shake hands with men because of religious reasons.

Me too.
But at this years holiday party im going to hold a purse in one hand and a glass in the other.

thunderstorm

Mon, Dec 03 2018, 9:50 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

There is a Halacha not to eat with non Jews? I’ve heard of this as a hashkafa thing, like not to get to friendly. Never heard this as a Halacha.

I don't know that answer. But I'm assuming it my be an issue of Maras Ayin , walking into a treif restaurant. But I know many frum business owners and employees eat out with the non Jewish clients and co workers , but they eat at a Kosher venue .

33055

Mon, Dec 03 2018, 9:52 am

Chayalle wrote:

It's not a big deal if it isn't made into a big awkward moment. Just go into the next thing you would say - pleased to meet you I am Squishy - after saying you don't shake hands with men.

Honestly, no one was ever offended.

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