S/O what do you do to avoid a handshake?

Chayalle

Mon, Dec 03 2018, 9:06 am

thunderstorm wrote:

I don't know that answer. But I'm assuming it my be an issue of Maras Ayin , walking into a treif restaurant. But I know many frum business owners and employees eat out with the non Jewish clients and co workers , but they eat at a Kosher venue .

When I used to work in NYC, there were Kosher venues that were possible, and I sometimes went out to eat with co-workers (they took me out for my birthday, which I gladly would've skipped but didn't quite have a choice...they also asked me for a catering suggestion for the team holiday brunch, and they so loved La Bagel's food that it became standard after that for any such type of affair.)

However when I worked in the Princeton NJ area there were no local Kosher options. (My team would've been willing, but there just weren't any places.) I asked a Shaila about it and when I absolutely had to, I took my own lunch along to non-Kosher restaurants. Can't say I enjoyed it. It's highly unlikely that anyone saw me and thought I was eating in that area.....and I was walking in with my food bag. If I possibly could skip, I did. I always found it very uncomfortable, to be honest.

sky

Mon, Dec 03 2018, 9:18 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

There is a Halacha not to eat with non Jews? I’ve heard of this as a hashkafa thing, like not to get to friendly. Never heard this as a Halacha.

It’s in the shulchan orach. I guess it depends if other religions or non religions are considered serving Avodah Zara.

It’s also discussed in Gemara a few times.

amother

Turquoise

Mon, Dec 03 2018, 9:33 am

yo'ma wrote:

I don't avoid it. I shake hands, but here they kiss and sometimes it's too late. When I go somewhere with my dh they shake his hand and try to kiss me, but my dh says something before bh. My ds14 had this problem. He's seeing a therapist of somesort. The first time she kissed him and me. It was like, whoah, especially for him because he usually doesn't interact with strangers. The next time we went, I told her right off the bat, that he'll shake your hand, but no kiss.

Be happy with the handshakes. I once went to a doctor with my dd and as we were leaving he grabbed my head and kissed the top of it. The same to my dd. It was so uncomfortable. When we were deciding if she should go back to the doctor (it was for a sprained ankle), I said we're not going to him.

Is this doctor kissing a south american thing? we see a dr who is Venezualan & will hug & kiss patients & parents. a very upstanding professional doctor.

amother

Papaya

Mon, Dec 03 2018, 11:52 am

I do shake hands with men at work, but I want to try to stop. Here is what is keeping me from trying:
With men that I have been shaking with for years, I don't know how to explain that all of a sudden, I don't anymore. Also even if it is a new man, but it is front of a co-worker (male or female) who has seen me shake hands before, how do I explain that. There is also not so much time to explain. Most of the time it is either to start a meeting or end a meeting. Sometimes it is with 5 -10 people going around the room. Other times it is when I interview a candidate - then it would probably be easier.

Any advice is welcome.

I recently got a big hug from someone in work and I just stood their stunned.

On a side note, my husband does not shake hands with women at work.

momsrus

Mon, Dec 03 2018, 2:10 pm

I hold my phone is my right hand. Since I'm usually with my husband when this happens, I say I don't shake hands but he will and my husband sticks out his hand. When it's a woman extending a hand it's vice versa.

There;s someone that I deal with that I speak to quite often on the phone. a few days before I was going to meet with him he said I can't wait to meet you, can I hug you. I made it clear to him that hugging will not be okay. I'm glad we dealt with that over the phone and not surprised when we actually met.

amother

Black

Mon, Dec 03 2018, 2:17 pm

I don't shake hands because I don't know where those hands have been.....and because there's a transfer of energy and I'm not interested in that.

I usually say, ''it's not personal to you, I just don't shake hands'' (both males and females)

I like the salute idea. I'm gonna try it.

Rappel

Mon, Dec 03 2018, 3:45 pm

Squishy wrote:

I explain that I don't shake hands with men because of religious reasons.

There definitely isn't always time LOL

and if you leave the other person without a graceful recovery, then breaks rapport.

Actually, ever since I married, it's become a lot easier to get the religious message across. I only wear mitpachot, so in Israel, everyone "gets" it, and everywhere else people think I'm Muslim, so hands off!

amother

Rose

Mon, Dec 03 2018, 7:49 pm

All these are great ideas to ponder after failing but failing is very common and I bet you if the man.of OP asks a Rabbi, the Rabbi will not beat him up. I failed twicebin my life. I doubt both my parents failed even once. For sure OP should cross the story out of her mind. If her husband continues to beat himself up she can read some.of the intriguing comments here for future strebghtening.

yo'ma

Tue, Dec 04 2018, 7:06 am

amother wrote:

Is this doctor kissing a south american thing? we see a dr who is Venezualan & will hug & kiss patients & parents. a very upstanding professional doctor.

kissy thread Smile

Yes, it's the norm.

Metukah

Tue, Dec 04 2018, 7:40 am

When a man puts his hand out, I say 'do you mind if I don't? For religious reasons I don't shake hands with men'.

I've only had positive, respectful responses to that.

My sister will sometimes email in advance if she has an upcoming meeting.

Last time that happened, when she walked into the meeting a woman put her hand out and the guy she emailed stopped her and said, 'she doesn't shake hands for religious reasons'. She was too mortified to correct him. Surprised

BadTichelDay

Tue, Dec 04 2018, 8:22 am

I work in an (Israeli) environment with mainly secular Jews and occasionally non-Jews. Most Jews know not to shake my hand as they can see that I'm frum. But a few don't and some of the non-Jews don't.
My policy is like this: I try to keep a little distance or else keep my hands busy or behind my back. However, if that doesn't work and someone sticks their hand out towards me and keeps it hovering in mid-air, then I'll give it a short, weak shake. The reason: I've read some psak (can't remember the source now) that one can do this in order to avoid embarrassing the other person and in order to avoid them feeling insulted and starting to dislike frum Jews.
The latter can be an issue with secular Jews: a few times I was at meetings with secular folks and they were insulted that I wouldn't eat with them in non-kosher places. The attitude was like, hey, we're just as Jewish as you and we don't make such a fuss about it, don't exaggerate...