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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Teenagers helping with younger kids
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amother
Olive


 

Post Tue, Dec 04 2018, 5:01 am
So I've picked up on a sentiment here of it being wrong to ask teenagers to help with their younger siblings since they're not their kids and not their responsibility. And it's made an impression on me and I've been trying to refrain from this. I do expect my teens (and younger) to help out with housework and other things, but I'll try not to include taking care of little ones in that, unless it's a situation where I give them a choice of (for example) washing the dishes or showering the 4-year-old and they choose the latter.

I work from home, and this morning I have my 3 little ones home for Chanukah plus one teenager. (The middles are in school.) I'm trying to get my work done, but every 2 minutes I have to get up to take care of one kid or another. Teenager is in her room, just lying around doing nothing (literally). She's a really good kid who will always do what I ask her to. But I'm not asking her to help with the kids because they're mine and not hers and it's not her fault she has so many little siblings.

But then I thought: It is my job to be mechanech her to be a helpful human being in general and to offer assistance when someone needs it. And she hears her siblings crying and me having to intervene and she knows I have to work, so the mentschlich thing to do would be to offer help. Even if she were in someone else's home and saw the mother struggling, this would be the nice thing to do. Not "required" but nice. And we try to be nice.

I also thought: If, for example, I had to get on a bus with my 2 youngest and needed help folding the stroller, I would probably feel comfortable asking a stranger to hold one of the babies for me for 30 seconds while I folded it. Or any other situation where I needed help--even though I don't "expect" anyone to help me, and obviously no one is obligated to, I wouldn't have a problem asking someone to do me a favor. So why isn't it okay to say, "Dear daughter, I'm struggling, would you hold the baby for 10 minutes while I finish xyz?" As a favor, not as her responsibility.

Is that what it's about then? Not making it her responsibility? Or it is really never okay to ask for help?

I'm interested in other moms' perspective on this topic.
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Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 04 2018, 5:08 am
I’d ask her to help. You have to know your kid. You don’t rely on her, but it’s probably a good idea for everyone to get out of the house for an hour. I had my DD take my two little ones to the park for an hour. They came home happy and now she’s giving dd3 a snack. She doesn’t like helping with cleaning and has little patience for cooking.
As a kid I also would’ve preferred childcare over other responsibilities.
Don’t let it get in the way of her school responsibilities and social life.
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cinnamon




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 04 2018, 5:29 am
I don't think its wrong to ask a teenaged dd (or ds!) for help with younger siblings.
Of course there has to be a balance, it should never interfere with her school work or social life but I don't see anything wrong with asking your dd to look after the kids for an hour or two so you can get some work done.
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amother
Vermilion


 

Post Tue, Dec 04 2018, 5:47 am
It's difficult.. I also struggle with this. I don't want my older kids to carry my burden but also.. I do want them to be good siblings and care when the toddler is crying.
In your case you are also making money which benefits them. My first reaction was: offer to pay them .. but I don't know if that's right.
I had a girl in my class who watched her little sisters when her mother was working and got paid for it. Her mother said that she's also pay another person to watch the kids so it was only fair. Judy made some money, she was actually really good with kids and became a teacher later Smile the mom knew the job was being done and everyone was happy.
So maybe that's an idea. I wouldn't pay r household chores though because the house really is everyone's responsibility who lives there. Or maybe you could say: sweety I really have to work to make money for all of us. I can't do that when chanale always comes into my room. Would you mind watching the little ones and I'll get you a really nice extra Chanukka gift? She will probably say yes. As long as the babysitting doesn't go unrewarded I think it's fine. Some mom's just make it the teens responsibility to watch the little ones.. that's when it's wrong. The teen feels obliged and can't say no because it's expected of them and mom will be angry.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 04 2018, 6:23 am
there are advantages and inconvenients to everything
little siblings, big siblings, only...
so yes I ask my older ones girl and boy
sorry NAK
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Emotional




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 04 2018, 7:00 am
I think it depends to what extent their helping interferes with their own lives. When I was in high school, a classmate of mine and her sister a year younger had to take turns missing school events (chagiga, etc) because one of them always had to be home to help with baths and bedtime. I don't think the parents were right in doing that to their daughters.
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 04 2018, 7:06 am
cinnamon wrote:
I don't think its wrong to ask a teenaged dd (or ds!) for help with younger siblings.
Of course there has to be a balance, it should never interfere with her school work or social life but I don't see anything wrong with asking your dd to look after the kids for an hour or two so you can get some work done.

This.
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amother
Tangerine


 

Post Tue, Dec 04 2018, 7:17 am
My understanding of this is not that they should never help with the kids but that it shouldn’t interfere with their lives as kids. Like, you can’t go with your friends I need you to watch the kids or an extreme amount.
Watching the little kids once a week so u can clean up is totally reasonable.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 04 2018, 7:23 am
Use seichel. All family members pitch in as appropriate. Unfair to expect a teen to be on call at all times to babysit every day but they can certainly help you out! Why would you think otherwise? How else are they going to learn life skills?
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amother
Olive


 

Post Tue, Dec 04 2018, 7:29 am
OP here. I can't find the thread now, but about 2 years ago I posted that I was 2 weeks after birth and that I asked my teenage daughter to take my younger kids to a petting zoo (it was summer vacation) instead of going to help out in her school. I got quite a bit of flak for it and pretty much got the message that it's wrong to ask older kids to help out since the kids are mine, not theirs.
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amother
Sienna


 

Post Tue, Dec 04 2018, 7:54 am
Agreed with the above, there's nothing about teens helping with siblings that is inherently more burdensome than, say, teens washing the dishes. Where it gets tricky is that there is a line where it becomes inappropriate, and you want to watch out for that. Anything you ask of your teens should not interfere with school or a reasonable social life. When I was teen, it was understood that I sometimes needed to help with kids. Usually it was just mom running out for a bit here or I'm getting home first, so I need to watch until a parent gets home an hour later. Sometimes I'd be asked to babysit while they went out for the evening. It was almost always after siblings were sleeping (or all ready for bed) and I had homework to do anyway. If it was a weekend, my parents would pay me, because it would usually mean giving something up, and I had the option to turn it down, in which case they'd find a sitter. Also, if I had to turn down other paid opportunities to watch my siblings, my parents always paid me the equivalent of what I would have made at the job I declined. I think it's perfectly reasonable to ask your dd to watch them now and then. I would pay her something if she helps over vacation though, as she'd be giving up her day off.
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 04 2018, 8:10 am
amother wrote:
OP here. I can't find the thread now, but about 2 years ago I posted that I was 2 weeks after birth and that I asked my teenage daughter to take my younger kids to a petting zoo (it was summer vacation) instead of going to help out in her school. I got quite a bit of flak for it and pretty much got the message that it's wrong to ask older kids to help out since the kids are mine, not theirs.

As you mentioned it was instead of her going to help out in her school , which would interfere with her social life and school life. That's probably what the Imas were hung up about. But as long as there is balance and it doesn't affect her social life and school life it's normal to ask your teen to help out at home.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 04 2018, 9:04 am
amother wrote:
OP here. I can't find the thread now, but about 2 years ago I posted that I was 2 weeks after birth and that I asked my teenage daughter to take my younger kids to a petting zoo (it was summer vacation) instead of going to help out in her school. I got quite a bit of flak for it and pretty much got the message that it's wrong to ask older kids to help out since the kids are mine, not theirs.


I remember that thread. I think, as everyone else here has posted, that this is all about balance, and teens being able to do what normal teens do, and them not feeling they need to take over as parents. But it's perfectly fine for your teen to be expected to help you out every so often, especially if it doesn't interfere with anything else she might be doing (vegetating in her room staring at the ceiling does not count as "doing something".)

I also work from home, and when my kids have vacation, I will often try to get some work time in in the morning (I'm a morning person anyway) and my kids help themselves and each other with getting up, dressed, breakfast, etc...(though by now they are all old enough to take care of themselves, this was not always the case.) I often rewarded their cooperation by taking them out in the afternoon, whether to eat, to the mall, or to some fun location (sometimes with a friend....)
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SuperWify




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 04 2018, 9:06 am
I helped my mom a lot with cooking and my little siblings. I never resented it and now my younger siblings help me with my son.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 04 2018, 9:15 am
SuperWify wrote:
I helped my mom a lot with cooking and my little siblings. I never resented it and now my younger siblings help me with my son.


I helped my mother A"H with my youngest sister alot - I was almost like a 2nd mother to her (especially after my mother sick.)

Then she used to come spend her vacations with us - especially Pesach vacation, and she was a huge help.

Now I babysit her scrumptious, heavenly little boy every day after work - gap between daycare and when she gets home. And my teen girls love going over to help her cook when she stays home for Shabbos, as well as to babysit in the evenings if she wants to get out.....

What goes around comes around....
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amother
Hotpink


 

Post Tue, Dec 04 2018, 9:21 am
I grew up being expected to help with (raising) my many younger siblings all the time and I really resented it. On the other hand I had no learning curve when it came to taking care of my own babies/kids since I'd been doing it forever. So I've worked on balance when it comes to my own kids. I don't want them resentful, but the skills they can learn for own lives (besides for benefits of their help in the smooth running of the family) are invaluable. It helps that I don't have a very large family so I'm not overstressed and relying on them because I truly CAN'T manage.

For example, the other week my teenagers helped "run" a younger sibling's birthday party. So in the late afternoon I took them out to the mall. They knew that this was a reward for their help with something that wasn't their responsibility exactly. They were happy to run the party knowing they were going to the mall later.
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Ema of 5




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 04 2018, 9:27 am
I haven’t read through all the comments yet, so I’m not sure how everyone else feels, but here’s my take.
Like you said, our job is to be mechanech our children. That means it’s up to us to teach each child how to be a mentch. We also want our children to grow up to be fully functioning members of society, which means giving them the skills they will need as adults. Looking through posts here, it seems that many people (moreso men than women, but women as well) are growing up clueless. They don’t know basics, like doing laundry or taking care of kids. We see how much of a struggle this is for the new wives and new mothers (and even not so new)
I say it’s ok to occasionally ask kids to help out. My kids are 11, 9, 6, and 2. I will occasionally ask one of the older kids to supervise the younger one (only same gender) in the bath if I need to take care of something else at the same time. My 3 older kids all know how to do laundry, and my younger one helps me when I do laundry. I do plan to ask my kids to baby sit occasionally if I need them to. I plan to ask my kids to do errands for me here and there if they have my car. My 11 year old likes reading to the baby when she goes to sleep, so I let him do it sometimes. If I need to do something with the baby and do something else at the same time, sometimes I will ask him if he can do one. Sometimes I give him a choice, sometimes I don’t.
Honestly, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with asking your teen to help out for a little bit right now, so you can get some work done.
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flowerpower




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 04 2018, 9:34 am
I am really aware that I am the mother and it’s my job to raise my kids. I am also aware that I want to raise helpful intuined kids over entitled selfish kids. So I try hard to draw a line somewhere. My tip is that- they should help enough to show responsibilities but not too much where you rely on their help and can’t manage without them. If I am upstairs and a kid is crying that he needs to use the bathroom then the teenager should understand that he should open the bathroom door for him. If the preteen is out playing with friends all afternoon then it’s okay to ask her to help with something on her age level when she comes in.....

If your teen is on vacation and you need to work perhaps ask her to watch her siblings for 2-3 hours in the morning then arrange an afternoon outing for her so she will see that you appreciated it? Maybe like going to the ice cream store with friends etc.... I’m just thinking what may work on both of your ends...
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nicole81




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 04 2018, 9:39 am
I expect my older kids to help out when it's not interfering with anything they have planned. I also let them know point blank that the babies are my children and my responsibility, and while I really really appreciate them helping out and it's a huge mitzvah, if they ever absolutely feel uncomfortable doing so, they should let me know and that's ok, too.

I have had times where it might have been inconvenicing for the kids to babysit, so instead I offer them first dibs at babysitting. They usually take the paid job, and I get to pay a less than standard rate.
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Aylat




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Dec 04 2018, 9:45 am
I've learned that I don't need to base my parenting/finances/marriage/housekeeping on imamother. Just saying.
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