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What did your parents do RIGHT?
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amother




Forestgreen


Post  Wed, Dec 05 2018, 6:17 am
What did your parents do raising you that you want to repeat with your children?

I'll start: 1. my parents never forced us to eat anything we didn't want to eat. They didn't keep much junk food in the house, so we ate pretty healthy, but if a kid didn't like broccoli, no one tried to get them to eat broccoli, and we were never forced to eat a certain amount.

2. We were encouraged but not pressured to do well in school. Making bad grades was unacceptable (none of us had learning disabilities, so a bad grade would have been the result of laziness), but no one got in trouble over B's or occasional C's. But A's were praised highly.

3. From a young age we were allowed to pick our own style. Until 3rd grade for me that meant pink frilly skirts. From 4th grade on, I dressed time fit in with the other girls. I was allowed to grow my hair really long even though my mom liked it better short.

4. We had a dog. This one is hard for me because I don't feel like I can manage a pet now that my kids are so small, but I plan to get one when they are older because I feel like it was good for me as a kid.

Your turn! My parents weren't perfect and did a lot not so great, so I'm hoping to learn for you guys more things that I should be doing. 💕
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amother




Gold


Post  Wed, Dec 05 2018, 6:28 am
My parents also expected us to do well in school.

We had no bedtimes or set mealtimes. If we didn't go to school, my mom gave us a note. There were no reminders to brush teeth or fi homework.

We were pretty much expected to raise ourselves. We didn't have rides anywhere, nor were we given much materially. The result is that we earned what we wanted.

We are all successful. All of us hold a minimum of one graduate degree. None of us are divorced and we all seem happily married.
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DVOM









  


Post  Wed, Dec 05 2018, 6:34 am
My parents were and are wonderful parents. They did so many good stuff, but here are the things coming to mind this morning:

My mother very clearly communicated by word and action that she loved being my mother, that it was her greatest joy.

My parents believed in and respected me (and still do). They took me seriously, they were always curious about my opinion and point of view. I felt this most strongly when I was dating. They trusted my gut instinct about relationships completely.

My mother was and still is a very practical, down to earth, no-nonsense sort of person. My father is more like me, with a more emotional nature. While I sometimes wished my mother could understand me better, my father was usually able to 'get' me in a way my mom couldn't. There's anyways probably something to be said for the father-daughter relationship. I remember reading once that a woman develops her sense of confidence in her womanhood based on her relationship with her father. I can remember my dad taking me to visit a cemetery, a random cemetery, so that I could have a good cry, not about anything in particular. He would also take the time to listen, very seriously, to the poems I wrote as a teenager.
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amother




Violet


Post  Wed, Dec 05 2018, 6:44 am
My parents loved me. Unconditionally. And they made sure I always know how proud they are.
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simba









  


Post  Wed, Dec 05 2018, 7:23 am
DVMOM, love your post.

Some thought:
1. My parents did not care about the stigma of therapy over 30 years ago.

2. My parents worked on their marriage

3. My parents worked hard to make ends meet and give us kids a good life. They never let their financial hardships affect their children.

4. My parents took their responsibility of raising children seriously.


Last edited by simba on Wed, Dec 05 2018, 8:04 am; edited 1 time in total
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amother




Cerulean


Post  Wed, Dec 05 2018, 7:50 am
My parents always loved and supported me. Even now, they love to gush to anyone who will listen about how proud they are of my kids and my career. Even where they messed up (and yeah, they did mess up in many major ways) I never for one second doubted their love.

Also, the default mode was trust. I was to be trusted unless I gave them reason not to trust me. Of course I sometimes made poor choices and did things I was not supposed to do, and there were appropriate consequences when that happened. But the default was, you're a good kid, you know right from wrong, you know our expectations of you, we trust you will generally choose to do the right thing.
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amother




White


Post  Wed, Dec 05 2018, 7:54 am
My mother taught me about the world around me (in every sense, and instilled in me a thirst for knowledge in all areas), taught me to be very cautious, and showed me through example exemplary work ethic.
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amother




Aquamarine


Post  Wed, Dec 05 2018, 8:30 am
My mother got out of a bad marriage - this was the best thing she could have done for me.

She also taught me how to manage my money. She never spent a penny that she didn't have and taught me how to do the same.

She gave me the skills I would need to be a self sufficient, productive adult.
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greenhelm









  


Post  Wed, Dec 05 2018, 8:34 am
This is one among many (and certainly not the most important): there were always tons of books around.
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CHAYA R









  


Post  Wed, Dec 05 2018, 8:36 am
My parens didnt spoil us and were actually quite strict. But I always knew they had my back. I was always able to rely on them incase I got into trouble. We were all raised with confidence and not to care too much what people think, just do whats true to you. That resulted in us being much less effected by peer pressure.
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amother




Linen


Post  Wed, Dec 05 2018, 8:38 am
Even though my mother definitely wasn't and still isn't a good mother and never really wanted kids, I do have to give her credit for a few things.
1. She taught us how to live on a budget and save money for important things
2. She taught us to love all of g-ds creatures , animals and plants aswell , not to just toss every plant out and step on worms or insects
3. She taught us to be independent since she didn't take care of us much, so we were pretty self sufficient from a young age ( I wouldn't repeat that though but I still am glad I am this way)
4. My dad always told me never to go to sleep when an argument isn't resolved and I've really done this with my husband and find it so helpful. That's how we never argue more than one day . We have to resolve it in the evening no matter what.
5. My dad taught me that family is important and always there for each other , even if we don't like each other so much we're still a family
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mommy3b2c









  


Post  Wed, Dec 05 2018, 8:55 am
My parents gave me a lot of love. I always felt that I meant the world to them and they would do anything to make my life easier. I still don’t doubt that they love me (and my siblings) more then anything.
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amother




Saddlebrown


Post  Wed, Dec 05 2018, 8:57 am
as others have posted
unconditional love
showed that she enjoyed us
trusted us to do what was right
patient and somehow was willing to listen to my chatter, answer my questions, listen to my dvar torahs...- no idea how!
wanted to do what was best for us and didn't care how it made her look
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amother




Firebrick


Post  Wed, Dec 05 2018, 9:06 am
I grew up in the 70s and 80s when children were just expected to do the right thing. There was none of this parenting that we have today and parents did plenty of things that would be unacceptable today. And yet they were more successful with their children than parents are today. Sometimes I tell myself it was just random mazel and favorable external circumstances that they had.

But I suspect it was something else. Much as they just expected their children to listen, behave and do well no matter what, they also had that expectation of themselves. There were no excuses. You did what you had to do and that was the end of the story. The fact that they lived their lives that way caused their children to do so as well.
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amother




Khaki


Post  Wed, Dec 05 2018, 10:15 am
1. Mothering was my mother’s biggest satisfaction in life. She had no outside interests or distractions. Her kids fulfilled her.
2. She was always shopping, finding bargains on clothes and things for my room. She went along with the color theme I chose and decorated it accordingly.
3. She cooked the food we liked and every night she’d prepare lunch and snack for me for the next day at an age where most of my friends made their own lunches.
4. She was proud of my writing and showed it off.
5. She made every Yom Tov special with all the traditional frills, never cutting corners.
6. She loved my kids to the moon and back, had endless patience for them, and always made sure to have little gifts on hand when they came.

I’ve been needing to write this list for therapeutic purposes so thanks for the opportunity.
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amother




Cobalt


Post  Wed, Dec 05 2018, 10:22 am
This thread is great because it is teaching me what to do as a mother that will make my kids happy and leave a lasting impression on them.


One thing I can say is that my mother was far from a good mother, But I never remembered yelling, even when she was angry or nervous, she always kept her voice down
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amother




Red


Post  Wed, Dec 05 2018, 10:22 am
1. they always believed in us
2. I come from a small family and am the youngest with the one of top of me substantially older than me. My mother always made sure to invite friends and would offer to drive them home if their mothers couldn't come out. My husband comes from similar dynamics and I look at his youngest siblings and am so grateful that I am socially normal.
3. Erev Shabbos/yom tov was NOT stressful. My mother did not work and is very organized. This is something I strive to do in my own house.
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gold21









  


Post  Wed, Dec 05 2018, 10:36 am
Off topic but is expecting good grades a positive?

I try not to expect anything. My kids do well B"H but I try not to have any expectations. I try to never express disappointment at a lower score. (My son recently had a really tough math test and received a lower score than he had hoped for. I just tried to cheer him up and distract him from the score.) I feel that scores are not the most important as long as you're engaged and learning and stimulating your mind and absorbing information. B"H. I've never thought of expectations of high scores as a positive. In what way is it positive?

Back on topic:

My parents have a sense of humor and a sense of fun. They're not dry and super serious. They're smiley and pleasant. I think that's a really big positive. B"H.

They also are not materialistic people. They are not competitive people. They're not obsessed with money or status. They're very real people and don't ever feel the need to impress by pretending to be something they're not. I think that attitude really influenced who I am as an adult. I'm very independent and just do my thing. They never made me feel like you need to present yourself a certain way to the world to be perceived a certain way by certain people. Just do you. Thank Hashem for that. B"H.
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amother




Natural


Post  Wed, Dec 05 2018, 11:34 am
//I grew up in the 70s and 80s when children were just expected to do the right thing. There was none of this parenting that we have today and pparents did plenty of things that would be unacceptable today. And yet they were more successful with their children than parents are today. Sometimes I tell myself it was just random mazel and favorable external circumstances that they had.

But I suspect it was something else. Much as they just expected their children to listen, behave and do well no matter what, they also had that expectation of themselves. There were no excuses. You did what you had to do and that was the end of the story. The fact that they lived their lives that way caused their children to do so as well. //


Firebrick, I grew up in a similar time and I really relate to this. There weren't prizes and charts and motivators like there is now. You just did the right thing. And I agree with you - I think parents modeled that because they had to live that way, and so children did to.

Another thing I think I got from my parents is the ability to not care about what other people are doing/buying/getting and to live simply. My husband grew up with parents who are very image conscious and it has been a journey to find our middle of the road! (But I've made a lot of progress Smile
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groisamomma









  


Post  Wed, Dec 05 2018, 11:42 am
Both parents or just one?

1. My mother for convincing my father to let me go to a camp outside of our circles and finally find my place in life.

2. Keeping money handy so at least we kids had material things if not emotional ones.

3. Giving me sisters--the best thing they could have done for me and I thank Hashem every day for them!
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