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Would you consider having a baby at 47?
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SisterSix









  


Post  Wed, Dec 05 2018, 9:44 pm
I don’t see what the big deal is. He doesn’t want to have kids. She doesn’t really want any more kids. The only “shailah” seems to be if her body is theoretically physically capable.
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eema1









  


Post  Wed, Dec 05 2018, 9:59 pm
amother wrote:
The down syndrome fear I guess is real. But then again, they are very precious neshomas & if ch"v that was the case, I think I would feel privileged to raise that child.

On the other hand, how safe would it be for me to carry a pregnancy?


Ds child happens randomly to any woman at any age, no guarantee against that for anyone! They're yummy precious kids...

At age 25 I was told that my ovaries look 20 years older (like a 45 yr old) and my chances to conceive are extremely low. I've had fertility issues, but then conceived many times since bh over the next 11 years!!! Yes, a gorgeous DS son and a miscarriage and one with a medical issue but having loads of Yiddish Nachas from all bh!!!

It's all up to Hashem, so Yes, its worth trying- If he's a good guy and can help you out in life, I'd say- go for it! Hatzlacha

Btw, I accept Brochos...[/quote]
May Hashem continue to fill your home with love, joy and yiddeshe nachas from all of your children...
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amother




Beige


Post  Wed, Dec 05 2018, 10:12 pm
Amain!!! Gam Atem.
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amother




Green


Post  Thu, Dec 06 2018, 1:39 am
amother wrote:
Totally not true!!
It’s a 50/50 chance as long as the woman is ovulating.

Anyway, weird question to ask a bunch of strangers. I’m sure if you have another baby you’ll be a great mother!

A friend of mine just had her first child at the age of 48. She only married at 46. It’s much harder for the body to conceive in the 40’s for the first time. Not as hard if there were other pregnancies.

Whatever you do with this prospective shidduch make sure you have a rav to guide you.


This is not true. Any OB/GYN can tell you that the chance of spontaneously conceiving at this age is closer to 1%.
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Ruchel









  


Post  Thu, Dec 06 2018, 5:47 am
He has the mitzva to try, but unless you're sure it can't work I think it is considered trying.
My husband's cousin had her baby at 47 bh but it wasn't easy. For some women it's a beautiful gift for others it's difficult to get to it.
IT IS NEVER A 50/50 even at 20
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amother




Orange


Post  Thu, Dec 06 2018, 9:29 am
krembo wrote:
Sounds like the Rav just meant this guy shouldn't marry someone who's going through menopause or has already gone through it.


I agree. The op even said he doesn’t need to have a child.
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amother




Silver


Post  Thu, Dec 06 2018, 9:48 am
Sebastian wrote:
no way! You are unlikely to get pregnant with your own eggs at the age, regardless.


As far as I remember rebetzin Hellers mom had her with 47. She was her only child.

My mom had her first with 40 and me with 45. Of course your body won't recover as easy as when you're 21. And if your circumstances were different I'd say don't do it. Like sometimes when I see women who have 14 kids already.. I think then it's really unnecessary because it's always a risky pregnancy at that age also considering down syndrome. But if you do consider to marry this man I think it will give him much joy to have a child. Even if he says he doesn't care much.
I didn't have a problem with my mom being so old. And I feel like it kept her young.
Pregnancy at any age is something we can't predict. I have friends who got married in their early twenties who still don't have a baby. I got married in my early 30s and bh got pregnant right away. And I was terrified that I was too old and everything. You never know
.. if it's meant to be it will be. I'm sure the Rav will agree on that!
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Sebastian









  


Post  Thu, Dec 06 2018, 10:09 am
OP if the guy doesn't care if you actually have children and just needs to marry someone physically capable of getting pregnant I would proceed. If he actually expects you to get pregnant or go through treatment to get pregnant then that's a whole nother story
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amother




Aqua


Post  Thu, Dec 06 2018, 11:15 am
amother wrote:
This is not true. Any OB/GYN can tell you that the chance of spontaneously conceiving at this age is closer to 1%.


She's referring to the rate of miscarriage which to be honest isn't 100% known since many woman don't even know that they're pregnant and don't realize that they're miscarrying when it happens, particularly women who are not TTC.
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amother




Green


Post  Thu, Dec 06 2018, 11:36 am
amother wrote:
She's referring to the rate of miscarriage which to be honest isn't 100% known since many woman don't even know that they're pregnant and don't realize that they're miscarrying when it happens, particularly women who are not TTC.


I don't understand her post to be referring to miscarriage, but even if it is, that's not an accurate statement.
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amother




Ecru


Post  Thu, Dec 06 2018, 1:54 pm
Personally I wouldn't want a baby at that age because I wouldn't want child rearing to continue until I am 70.

I would also personally not want to have a child with a man who was 55 years old. Aside from the reality of his age, what are the economic implications and what is your financial situation for your own children. Realistically, unless he is independent wealthy in terms of having significant assets now, you would face the very real possibility of his no longer having an income while the child is still young and there being significant child rearing expenses.

I think the universe of woman having children at an advanced age is not that great and is probably largely those who have the economic means to have significant domestic help and also to not have to worry about having enough money to support the child if they are no longer able to work for whatever reason.

Of course everyone is different. However, without knowing anything about the OP, just asking the question would seem to indicate that she doesn't really want another child and both of them are more interested in being spouses rather than being parents.
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amother




Ruby


Post  Thu, Dec 06 2018, 1:59 pm
That rav should have a conversation with a fertility specialist, if he believes this can happen for anyone but the rare few.
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amother




Bisque


Post  Thu, Dec 06 2018, 2:05 pm
karat wrote:
What about you? Do you want to have more kids?
How can you give him a guarantee you’ll be able to conceive? Will you be willing to undergo treatment if necessary?


It's not a matter of "if". At 47, treatments (not without health risks) is the only way this 'may' happen -- and there is no guarantee for this either. What would happen if you get married to him and you both find out that you cannot have children together? Will the marriage last?
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amother




Bisque


Post  Thu, Dec 06 2018, 2:10 pm
watergirl wrote:
Thats up to HKBH and I would worry about dating a man who would listen to this (eitza? Psak?) from his Rav. This rav has not only unrealistic expectations but lacks an understanding of basic biology and this guy you’re dating is going along with it. Even if he were to marry a 19-year-old girl, they would be no guarantee that she could have children.


It does not sound like the Rav is lacking basic knowledge in biology. You cannot compare a 19 year old girl's odds of getting pregnant (very good chances) with those of a 47 year old (stats. wise -- the chances are close to nill). Of course one never knows for sure, but to enter a marriage where it is almost guranteed that children will NOT be born cannot be compared to entering a marriage with a younger person where the chances are much much higher. It is just basic logic.
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amother




Bisque


Post  Thu, Dec 06 2018, 2:14 pm
amother wrote:
Hi everyone, it's OP here. Thanks for all the replies.

The guy is 55 & told me that this is what his Rav told him "for now". The answer "might change" in about another 5 years.

Also yeah, what Sebastian said about "Peru Urevu". He's not even sure he wants kids, but he feels al pi Torah he must and he would like if he could.

In terms of my koach, I know my kids would help a lot. It would be fun for them to have a baby again. My youngest is 10.

The down syndrome fear I guess is real. But then again, they are very precious neshomas & if ch"v that was the case, I think I would feel privileged to raise that child.

On the other hand, how safe would it be for me to carry a pregnancy?


If he is not even sure he wants his own kids, how would he be able to handle a bunch of yours? (That I assume live with you at least part of the time)
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amother




Bisque


Post  Thu, Dec 06 2018, 2:15 pm
tf wrote:
Based on what?


Based on pure science. We do not live in bibilical times when women conceived at 100.
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Sebastian









  


Post  Thu, Dec 06 2018, 2:16 pm
Most re s wouldnt do IVF with your own eggs. If he would be ok just trying naturally and likely not succeeding imo that s fine especially since you seem to be ok with it
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amother




Ruby


Post  Thu, Dec 06 2018, 2:22 pm
Sebastian wrote:
Most re s wouldnt do IVF with your own eggs. If he would be ok just trying naturally and likely not succeeding imo that s fine especially since you seem to be ok with it


In the US, they won't collect eggs past age 43. Some clinics won't go past 42, mine didn't.

I feel like so many women don't know this basic biology. Yes, some women can have babies past this age. But the vast majority can't.
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amother




Bisque


Post  Thu, Dec 06 2018, 2:23 pm
amother wrote:
The OP isn't looking for a full analysis of what her future marriage may look like. The Rav paskened that the man she is dating can only marry someone who can potentially bear children. She simply wants to know if at the age of 47 she has that potential. The short answer is yes. The long answer is that it'll be much more complicated than a normal 20-30 year old woman having a baby.


Then this is a question to ask the doctor; not something that any of us can really answer without OP's medical history and other important factors. We can all offer opinions, support, concerns etc, but we cannot possibly really know the answer.
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amother




Magenta


Post  Thu, Dec 06 2018, 2:41 pm
OP, may I make a suggestion as a woman who is going through infertility and has gone through several IVF cylces in early 40s, with several kids conceived naturally and effortlessly while in 20s and 30s?

Please only marry this man if both you and him are OK with the idea of conceiving a baby using donor eggs, should natural conception not happen, and having enough money to afford such treatment. IVF with your own eggs is not done past the age of 42 or 43, some more aggressive doctors will do it up until 45, but never past that. And even if you find such a doctor, your chances of having a baby with your own eggs will be the same as conceiving naturally, which is less than 1%. Just make sure you both are on the same page regarding donor eggs, and your hashkafa and money allows it. I don;t mean to sound discouraging , but it's important to be realistic and go into smth like this with open eyes.
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