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Are you a therapist that works with children?

 
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amother




Jade


Post  Thu, Dec 06 2018, 4:13 pm
I have a question for you. No, I'm not looking for free therapy, but I'd appreciate some advice please.

I've come to the conclusion that my 12 year old could really do with therapy to help him learn to manage his behavior. He has some anger management issues and in general can be rather inflexible. The thing is... we really don't have the finances right now and we'll also most likely be moving very OOT shortly where I can't imagine we'll find a suitable therapist to work with him.

Are there any resources available that can give me the tools to work with him myself? Or does he definitely need to work with a therapist? I'm willing to do the work, but I need to know that I'm going in the right direction as at this age, I really don't feel we have much time.

Thank you, thank you, thank you in advance.
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seeker




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Dec 06 2018, 9:55 pm
I think the first question is whether you have a strong enough relationship with your adolescent son to address these issues.

For sure there are materials a non-therapist can use, but I don't know many (any?) 12-year-olds who would want to work with their parent on this.

I have heard amazing reviews of Dr. Tzipora Koslowitz (Lakewood based) who specializes in training parents to respond to kids according to their specific challenges. If you can have her evaluate your situation, it could be very worthwhile.
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amother




Amethyst


Post  Fri, Dec 07 2018, 11:20 am
Read "The explosive child"
By Ross Greene
That's should he as helpful as a therapist in cases where the behavior is due to developmental reasons and not trauma.
It's really really a wonderful life changing tool.
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mha3484




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Dec 07 2018, 11:21 am
I LOVE the explosive child. It has done amazing things for my son and our family. It also works really nicely with the superflex materials from michelle garcia winner.
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amother




Crimson


Post  Fri, Dec 07 2018, 11:41 am
amother wrote:
Read "The explosive child"
By Ross Greene
That's should he as helpful as a therapist in cases where the behavior is due to developmental reasons and not trauma.
It's really really a wonderful life changing tool.


Not the OP, but any idea if this book would work for a 12 year old from a family going through a divorce. His father is emotionaly abusive. He has a real anger issue. You're saying it's not for trauma, so would you classify my son's case as trauma?

If I could help him through a book, it would be absolutely amazing.
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mha3484




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Dec 07 2018, 11:45 am
I think that the main core of the book works for ALL children. The main focus of Dr Green's philosophy is that kids do well when they can and that all behavior is just an outward expression of a deeper issue. It focuses on building your relationship with your child and using the strong relationship you develop to work with your child to solve their problems. I think for a child whose is experiencing a radical life change this method works the best of all of them. Because instead of pushing them away you are showing them you are in his corner and you will be there for him to help him out.
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amother




Crimson


Post  Fri, Dec 07 2018, 12:22 pm
mha3484 wrote:
I think that the main core of the book works for ALL children. The main focus of Dr Green's philosophy is that kids do well when they can and that all behavior is just an outward expression of a deeper issue. It focuses on building your relationship with your child and using the strong relationship you develop to work with your child to solve their problems. I think for a child whose is experiencing a radical life change this method works the best of all of them. Because instead of pushing them away you are showing them you are in his corner and you will be there for him to help him out.


Many thanks! Wow. Sounds like I hit gold.. I've been wracking my brain the last 3 years (divorce process taking 3 years already), and tried so many things with my son. Going to get this book fast.
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mha3484




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Dec 07 2018, 12:23 pm
You can access a lot of the same information at www.livesinthebalance.org. Hatzlacha!
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seeker




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Dec 07 2018, 12:48 pm
The Explosive Child is a great parenting technique, but a kid with an emotionally abusive father and a 3-year divorce and anger issues should have access to more support than parenting.
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amother




Mauve


Post  Fri, Dec 07 2018, 1:41 pm
amother wrote:
Not the OP, but any idea if this book would work for a 12 year old from a family going through a divorce. His father is emotionaly abusive. He has a real anger issue. You're saying it's not for trauma, so would you classify my son's case as trauma?

If I could help him through a book, it would be absolutely amazing.


Yes, your son is suffering with trauma unfortunately. These are very traumatic experiences and situations.
You really do need to get him into therapy.
The book is a good additional resource, but not a substitute for appropriate mental health care
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mha3484




 
 
 


Post  Fri, Dec 07 2018, 1:52 pm
I am all for therapy. I think I once wrote a super long post on why kids of divorced parents really benefit from regular counseling.

I will caution one thing that I have learned from my own experience. I think some therapists are quick to encourage parents to be extremely rigid with a heavy emphasis on reward and punishment and I think for kids that are really struggling due to traumatic home situations, ADHD, ASD, Learning issues etc that its not a great approach to take. I have a kid with pretty severe ADHD and his therapist (who I really like) is very into reward/punishment and honestly all it does is make my child trust me less. He would see me as just one more person who wants to punish him. So we work on practical skill based issues with the therapist and I ignore the parenting suggestions. I think if you can, use both the book and a therapist who respects the method.
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amother




Royalblue


Post  Fri, Dec 07 2018, 2:20 pm
amother wrote:
I have a question for you. No, I'm not looking for free therapy, but I'd appreciate some advice please.

I've come to the conclusion that my 12 year old could really do with therapy to help him learn to manage his behavior. He has some anger management issues and in general can be rather inflexible. The thing is... we really don't have the finances right now and we'll also most likely be moving very OOT shortly where I can't imagine we'll find a suitable therapist to work with him.

Are there any resources available that can give me the tools to work with him myself? Or does he definitely need to work with a therapist? I'm willing to do the work, but I need to know that I'm going in the right direction as at this age, I really don't feel we have much time.

Thank you, thank you, thank you in advance.


Therapist who works with kids here.

First of all, I so commend you for thinking about this, reflecting on what is going on with your son, and considering what might be the best course of action to help him. I hope you are giving yourself a lot of credit for this - you are strong and your son is lucky to have you in his life.

If your intuition is telling you that therapy might help, I would urge you to pursue it. The money issue is one that many people are facing, and with some effort you can find a good therapist in a local clinic that either accepts your insurance or can see you on a sliding scale/fee.

Another thing I would tell you in advance is that a good child therapist will want to work with both yourself (and if there is another parent involved) as well as your child. Child therapy alone, without steady and regular involvement of the parents, rarely yields the results we want to see for the child and family to feel better.

And yes, reading and collecting other resources will be a great source of support and will open your mind to many other ideas and concepts.
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amother




Crimson


Post  Fri, Dec 07 2018, 2:42 pm
mha3484 wrote:
I am all for therapy. I think I once wrote a super long post on why kids of divorced parents really benefit from regular counseling.

I will caution one thing that I have learned from my own experience. I think some therapists are quick to encourage parents to be extremely rigid with a heavy emphasis on reward and punishment and I think for kids that are really struggling due to traumatic home situations, ADHD, ASD, Learning issues etc that its not a great approach to take. I have a kid with pretty severe ADHD and his therapist (who I really like) is very into reward/punishment and honestly all it does is make my child trust me less. He would see me as just one more person who wants to punish him. So we work on practical skill based issues with the therapist and I ignore the parenting suggestions. I think if you can, use both the book and a therapist who respects the method.


My son is seeing a therapist and I was hoping the book will help. I found the therapist helps him with self esteem but the anger is still there bursting all the time, especially after he comes back from visiting his father.
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amother




Crimson


Post  Fri, Dec 07 2018, 2:55 pm
amother wrote:
Therapist who works with kids here.

First of all, I so commend you for thinking about this, reflecting on what is going on with your son, and considering what might be the best course of action to help him. I hope you are giving yourself a lot of credit for this - you are strong and your son is lucky to have you in his life.

If your intuition is telling you that therapy might help, I would urge you to pursue it. The money issue is one that many people are facing, and with some effort you can find a good therapist in a local clinic that either accepts your insurance or can see you on a sliding scale/fee.

Another thing I would tell you in advance is that a good child therapist will want to work with both yourself (and if there is another parent involved) as well as your child. Child therapy alone, without steady and regular involvement of the parents, rarely yields the results we want to see for the child and family to feel better.

And yes, reading and collecting other resources will be a great source of support and will open your mind to many other ideas and concepts.


Thanks! Your words are full of kindness and wisdom.

I speak with his therapist over the phone from time to time to update him a bit with the situation. However, I'm constantly wondering if he's doing enough for my son. I wish the therapist can teach him how to deal with his father's emotional abuse. Let's say his father can manipulate him into hating to go to my parents' Chanukah party, but then when my son is crying that he doesn't want to go, he would tell him with a smile (when someone hears, so that all should know how special he supposedly is".. "Go to bubby, and enjoy yourself!" THIS is one of the things that is constantly happening and makes my son confused. I'm wondering if a therapist is capable of doing more than what my son is already getting.
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amother




Crimson


Post  Fri, Dec 07 2018, 3:00 pm
mha3484 wrote:
You can access a lot of the same information at www.livesinthebalance.org. Hatzlacha!


Thanks for this. I'll definitely check it out. So glad I might not have to spend money.
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amother




Turquoise


Post  Sat, Dec 08 2018, 10:00 pm
As a child therapist, I think expecting a 12 year old to handle the manipulations of a toxic parent might be unreasonable although he can learn techniques to self soothe once he's away from him.

Think of yourself or other adults dealing with such issues. Maybe this is even one of the reasons you divorced him. Now you don't have to live with it but your son has to spend time with him. What does it take for adults to recognize that somebody who they trust and depend on is not trustworthy yet they must spend time with them and maintain a good relationship? If adults find it difficult, you can imagine how it is for a child. Not only that, but young children must idolize their parents in order to feel secure. This is a lot for your son.
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amother




Jade


Post  Sun, Dec 09 2018, 6:24 pm
amother wrote:
Therapist who works with kids here.

First of all, I so commend you for thinking about this, reflecting on what is going on with your son, and considering what might be the best course of action to help him. I hope you are giving yourself a lot of credit for this - you are strong and your son is lucky to have you in his life.

If your intuition is telling you that therapy might help, I would urge you to pursue it. The money issue is one that many people are facing, and with some effort you can find a good therapist in a local clinic that either accepts your insurance or can see you on a sliding scale/fee.

Another thing I would tell you in advance is that a good child therapist will want to work with both yourself (and if there is another parent involved) as well as your child. Child therapy alone, without steady and regular involvement of the parents, rarely yields the results we want to see for the child and family to feel better.

And yes, reading and collecting other resources will be a great source of support and will open your mind to many other ideas and concepts.


OP here.

Thank you, Royalblue. My husband and I are fully prepared to work with a therapist but I've done my research over the past few days and unfortunately, whomever we've tried has looong waiting lists and at this point we really don't want to wait. We think CBT might be helpful. Any ideas? Are there good therapists who work via Skype? Would Dr Koslowitz program be suitable for us?

To all those that recommended Ross Greene's book, I love it too! The problem is he doesn't seem to be owning his problems. Any ideas of how to get a child to own a problem? It's always everyone else's fault...
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amother




Peach


Post  Sun, Dec 09 2018, 7:53 pm
I Love Dr. Greenes work and for the poster talking about trauma situation I would also recommend Hand in Hand parenting - a trauma informed parenting approach based on the work of Patty Wipfler author of listen.
And also somatic experiencing type therapy for the child or sand tray therapy. Cbt is very limited for trauma.
Can also try playful parenting by L Cohen -
All these ideas are for helping the parent understand and be part of healing journey.

On this journey myslef. Hatzlacha to all
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