What to say to a drunk at a kiddish?

amother

Dodgerblue

Mon, Dec 10 2018, 10:15 am

I love hosting. What do you say to the neighborhood alcoholics who inevitably show up uninvited?

There is one guy who visits his in-laws often. I don't want him in my house as his gets drunk and makes scenes. He threw up in my friend's house. He gobbled food 2 fisted in my house. Shoved the food in his mouth and then with his spit on his hands took more food and the food he ate went back into the plate. He leaves my house stumbling drunk. He has never been invited here, yet has shown up half a dozen times. He says his wife doesn't want him at her parents' house drunk. Why does she send him off to other people's houses? I don't want him either.

Another drunk gets all sad and melancholy when he drinks. I heard he has gotten aggressive in other people's houses. He just cries in mine.

I am close friends with the wife of another drunk. Her husband just keeps drinking and drinking and then monopolizes the table telling stories that are hard to understand. I feel bad about not inviting them as I love her very much, but it isn't fair to my other guests.

How do I keep a house that people enjoy coming to and eliminate the drunks? I invite my friend and her family to socialize without other company because of her husband. But he showed up shabbos.

Help

amother

Dodgerblue

Mon, Dec 10 2018, 10:40 am

syrima wrote:

Wow awful.
I don't know, I consider myself hospitable but I think I would start only serving grape juice!!!!

The one drunk son in law goes into my cabinet and takes out expensive bottles. His wife shouldn't send her problems into other people's homes. It's not nice.

I think these people watch to see if people are heading into my house because they sure aren't invited, and we live near the shul.

LittleDucky

Mon, Dec 10 2018, 10:58 am

Lock up all alcohol. When he tries to get it or asks for it, do the rinse, wash repeat method. "Sorry we do not have alcohol at our table. I know you want some but we do not serve it. It is not available today....".
If he tries to open the cabinet, tell him again.

If he shows up drunk, do not let him in the door. Again, rinse wash and repeat. "I cannot have intoxicated people here anymore. I know you want to come in but it is not possible...."

chanchy123

Mon, Dec 10 2018, 11:12 am

amother wrote:

Honestly, that's not normal and not OK be honest with the wife or ILs and explain that this man is not welcome in your house becauae of this behavior. This mam obviously has a serious problem

amother

Ecru

Mon, Dec 10 2018, 11:23 am

I have the same issue. Not sure why but the drunks come to my house because they know that aren't allowed home when drunk. I had several people throw up by me. I can't tolerate throw up so I made a rule. They are allowed to come but they must sit outside. They know now that if they are drunk or have a tendency to get drunk they have to sit outside.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Dec 10 2018, 12:13 pm

Just say NO!

Why do you feel so obligated to let people abuse your hospitality?

If you have children, tell the men that showing up drunk is bad chinuk for your kids. Make sure that DH will back you up, and help you escort the drunk person off the property if you have to.

Unless these people are obviously starving to death, you have no obligation to feed them. I think making them sit outside is a good compromise. Either that, or have a sandwich and an orange packed up in a paper bag, with the number for the nearest AA meeting.

amother

Dodgerblue

Mon, Dec 10 2018, 12:40 pm

Getting rid of the alcohol is not fair to DH and the others. He enjoys a l'chiam at kiddish as do most of the other guys. Some ladies enjoy wine. I am not a drinker, but I enjoy hosting. I don't like to restrict normal guests.

Drinking at Shabbos kiddish is normal in my circles. Getting Purim drunk is not normal

amother

Dodgerblue

Mon, Dec 10 2018, 1:36 pm

amother wrote:

Wow, you're surrounded by an awful lot of drunkenness. We host all the time but have never had anyone get drunk except on Purim.

It's only 3 drunks. I think it is the free booze that attracts them. All 3 drunks show up empty handed. Except for my friend's husband, they aren't in our crowd. They are pathetic. They walk in with the other guys uninvited.

amother

Dodgerblue

Mon, Dec 10 2018, 2:00 pm

Iymnok wrote:

You need a bouncer!
Maybe one of your regulars could help Dh with that job?

I don't want my guests to have to "be on duty".
It's hard because it also goes on in the men's side. By the time there is a problem, it is too late. I am embarrassed by these men being seen leaving my house. I can't even say anything to my other guests.

How do you admit some people and not everyone?

mha3484

Mon, Dec 10 2018, 2:11 pm

I have seen in cooking and entertaining magazines that people make a cocktail to serve at parties so the alcohol is not a complete free for all. There are fun drinks you can make in pitchers and once its gone, its gone and none left for someone who wants to binge.

Miri7

Mon, Dec 10 2018, 2:23 pm

DH should instruct them that they are not welcome in your home. Don’t wait until they are drunk - do it when they’re sober. Tell them that they will be asked to leave if they come to your house. He should be honest - the drinking is a problem and you can’t have it in your house.

amother

Amethyst

Mon, Dec 10 2018, 2:36 pm

Yes -- take action.
The one time someone showed up or drank too much one of the men gently but firmly showed him out.
Then told him later what had happened and that he was not welcome to come since he got drunk like that, not okay for the women and children to be around even if some of the men might not have minded, idont know.
There are healthy boundaries for a reason.
Once they are enforced clearly people generally respect them.

LittleDucky

Mon, Dec 10 2018, 2:39 pm

I know you don't want to restrict alcohol for those family and guests who can use it responsibly. But have you considered limiting short-term so that your house no longer is seen as the local " free alcohol house"? It sounds like people know where they can have a good time and you might need to get your name off their list.

amother

Vermilion

Mon, Dec 10 2018, 2:52 pm

I’ve been hostess in a very open home for almost 22 years. There has been a whole lot of wine, beer and hard liquor consumed under our roof, and yes, sometimes people get drunk. But only once in all those years did I have guys rolling around on the floor, vomiting, and frolicking half dressed on my front lawn. (Every other time people might get silly but not stupid, sick and inappropriate). Those particular young men were never invited back. My husband wouldn’t let them in if they showed up at our door. We want to have a home that is open, fun and laid back. But a frat house this will not be.

amother

Dodgerblue

Mon, Dec 10 2018, 2:55 pm

Miri7 wrote:

DH won't instruct them. He always wanted a big open house where everyone is welcome. We talked about this before we were married. I also want that except for the drinkers. Ladies seem to have less tolerance for drunks than men.

My biggest problem is the son in law. His wife should not throw him out of her parents' house because she makes him someone else's problem.