DD doesn't believe

amother

Chocolate

Wed, Dec 12 2018, 12:23 am

Is it possible that at 14 yrs old, my DD knows enough about herself to know she doesn't believe in religion or that Hashem really created it (if there is Hashem)? She says she doesn't. She can't explain it but just doesn't believe in all the ritual, etc. She says every minute of her day at school is torture because it's all about what she doesn't believe in. There are no rabbis that can "talk her into it". She did believe when she was younger but then starting around the age of 12 she became unsatisfied. She feels like she is living in a stifling, pointless rigid system.

etky

Wed, Dec 12 2018, 3:53 am

Yes. Totally possible when dealing with introspective, thinking kids, especially those with an independent streak.
Respect where she is at and try not to confront her when she doesn't bring it up herself. Instead, maybe try to highlight the emotional, joyous aspect of the religion and its traditions in your discussions with her and model it in your own observance and in family life.
Hopefully, somewhere along the road she will decide that she wants to keep the religion in her life and come to 'own it', even if on her own terms. Strengthening the emotional connection to the religion and rituals can help that happen.

imasinger

Wed, Dec 12 2018, 7:10 am

If she's 14, I would assume she's in 9th grade. Did she just start HS this year?

I'm struck by her saying "every minute of school is torture." Regardless of whether the underlying reason for that is hashkafic, social, academic, or something else, that's a terrible thing to go through. See if she'll talk further about what is bothering her, what she means by "it's all about what she doesn't believe in" --is that true for math class too? Get her to move past hyperbole, and find out what is the real problem. My hunch is it's one or two moros, plus maybe a general social atmosphere she feels like she can't be a part of.

Have her tell you what alternatives she might have in mind if she went to a different school. What does she want? Is she longing for a public school education, or maybe just a frum place that's less rigid? Or would it be enough just for you to listen at the end of her day?

It also would be helpful to validate her emunah issues. Many intelligent people have gone through this struggle. Some have found answers that satisfy them, some have not. Let her know that you will not reject her or dismiss her real struggles, just because they are uncomfortable. Let her know that, although you are firm in your belief, she can bring her intellectual challenges to a conversation, and you will listen, be understanding about why these things bother her, and also, share your own perspective, without trying to prove rightness.

Possibly, that will be enough for her to tough out her school until she adjusts better to it, though there are no guarantees.

Hatzlacha!