I hate having guests.

Chayalle

Sun, Dec 16 2018, 2:43 pm

amother wrote:

You're a treasure of a dil and may you have dils just like you! I'm a mil who brings her own linens when visiting the kids.

On the flip side, I do not allow outside linens in my home. Fear of bedbugs, etc...

I used to have a guest room and I lived right near a hall, and at a certain point I remember feeling like my home was a Shabbos hotel. I also found that people expected other amenities along with my guest room - extended stays, babysitting, etc...

Boundaries was the name of the game. I realized it was okay to say no when I was not up to it, or if for whatever reason I wasn't comfortable. I also said no to babysitting upfront.

My Rav always says that if you want to do Chessed (or a mitzva of any sort) then if you set boundaries, you will be able to do the Chessed. Otherwise, you will end up not doing it.

Ema of 5

Sun, Dec 16 2018, 2:53 pm

amother wrote:

My guilty spot. I would not say that I chalila 'hate' having guests. It is an important mitzvah. Would anyone say they 'hate' shabbos? Yum tov? going to the mikvah?

Any or all of the above mitzvos (or any other) may be challenging for many people, or for a particular woman for a particualr reason -- but it does not make me hate it. It is just that I have a hard time with it, and it sometimes makes me feel bad and sad that I cannot do better than that. Although I have advanced degrees, I have a form of attention defecit that makes it harder for me to organize my house. I do my best, but even with quite a bit of help from my husband who is very understanding, it is still not easy. I cook great, but my house is not neat. I do not mind having my kids' friends around. I do not find them to be as judgmental as adults. Even having families come over for a meal brings up much anxiety for me. We cannot afford outside help, and we are not as wealthy as some of the other people in the community, and my house is not as up to date as theirs. All these things make me feel intimidated, insecure and very anxious when I have to host.

And having someone stay overnight is so much worse. I do not have a spare room, and having someone sleep on the same floor as us and share a bathroom in the middle of the night is a major violation of my privacy. I recently had to say 'no' to my brother and sister in law who insisted that I host a friend of theirs from out of state who was in the area for work and needed a place for shabbos. This woman and her husband had previously come to us for a shabbos, and it was very uncomfortable. I just could not do it again. I said 'no' and felt that my brother and sister in law looked down on me, but this was still my answer. I wish I could someday get my act together and be a better machnis orchim. Sigh. Sad

I hate to burst your bubble, but there are plenty of people who hate shabbos, chag, and/or Mikva, and even MORE people who keep those feeling to themselves because they feeling guilty voicing such feelings.

mp5

Sun, Dec 16 2018, 2:56 pm

I do get it - having guests creates pressure and even if it's only from my own high expectations (more food, cleaner house) - this is me and I don't apologize for not always being up to handle guests or even in the mood to host. When I am a guest, I only want it to be asked when it wasn't inconveniencing anyone so I don't feel guilty about saying not this week.

That being said, not quite the same but on the related topic of "gemach culture" that was mentioned in this thread, there was a time I was pressured to leave my apartments for neighbor's guests whenever we went away. I wasn't very comfortable with the idea in general (I'm very careful about eating only in the kitchen, not putting drinks on certain furniture etc) but enough pressure made me say okay out of guilt - someone needs a place to stay, I have a whole apartment available and I say no?? Then one Shabbos, our locked bedroom door was broken into by the guests, close family members of our trusted neighbors staying at our house. They had two other rooms at their disposal but no, someone had to snoop inside a locked room. They didn't know that it only closed a certain way and once opened (which could only be done with a tool, but the way - not randomly pushing it open) it could only be closed in that certain way. We left it locked, found it open when we returned. I couldn't believe the breach of our personal privacy but really, I had made the decision to give my apartment so I had no one to blame but myself.
Since then, I've felt a lot more comfortable to go with my gut and no feeling guilty about saying no. If I can, of course I will be happy to either host or even leave the apartment to someone I know and trust, but if I'm not comfortable with the idea of either having guest or leaving my apartment to guests that I don't know - that means I can't and no guilt there.

amother

Lemon

Sun, Dec 16 2018, 3:12 pm

Ruchel wrote:

I never want to inconvenience anyone when I'm a guest. I'd rather go to a hotel if not close family.

This. Or an airbnb. And if there really isn't anything in the area, then I would think a million times if I really need to be there.
I don't get this whole culture of 'my apartment is your apartment, your apartment is my apartment'.
I would NOT leave my empty apartment for anyone but the very closest family.

amother

Mint

Sun, Dec 16 2018, 4:35 pm

amother wrote:

Anyone with me on this. I feel they intrude on my life. I dont mind my children having friends over to sleep. Who feels with me on this?

So don't have guests if you don't like it!
I think all these stories of people who have many many guests in their homes make us feel guilty.
I just saw a pic of the tables set up in someone's house I think in Rebbetzen Machlis house even though she was nifteres they still have TONS of company.
Due to illness I am not able to host a lot for shabbos but we do give generously to Tomche Shabbos to help people have food for shabbos.

amother

Maroon

Sun, Dec 16 2018, 4:50 pm

amother wrote:

My guilty spot. I would not say that I chalila 'hate' having guests. It is an important mitzvah. Would anyone say they 'hate' shabbos? Yum tov? going to the mikvah?

(

Well, yes, they would. I've said it before and I'll say it again, unblushingly: I hate going to the mikvah. I hate everything having to do with that aspect of frum life. Maybe if I had my own private mikvah just off my bedroom I wouldn't mind, but as things stand I don't have one and I do mind, very much. I wouldn't dream of not doing so, but I don't have to like it.

amother

Crimson

Sun, Dec 16 2018, 4:53 pm

Ema of 4 wrote:

I am not naive, and not are not "bursting my bubble". But I can speak only for myself: While I am far from perfect, I try taking my Jewish observance seriously. While I may not pass as 'yeshivish' as some of the other women on my block, I do my best to be sincere. And so, the story of Avraham Avinu standing outside his tent in a 100 degrees, on the third day of his Milah is not meant to just be a 'nice' kindergarten story. It is our Torah, our heritage, and the core of who are as we people, and who we strive to become.

So if a mitzvah is hard for me, I do not say that I 'hate' it, because this is equivalent to chalila hating Dvar Hashem. What makes me Jewish? Making potato kugel and chulent for shabbos? wearing the right kind of stockings? Davening in the 'right' kind of shul and being invited to yet another vort? I don't think so. And just because a mitzvah is hard for me, and I am not on a high enough level (yet) to do it b'simcha, or to do it altogether, I do not think it is right to make a 'Shita' out of it, and systematically denounce D'var Hashem, by getting validation from other women who feel the same way.

Again, I do not mean to be harsh on anyone. I myself am not there yet, so who am I to tell others how to live their lives? But I do wish to express my strong feelings on this, even if this is not a popular opinion.

amother

Plum

Sun, Dec 16 2018, 5:00 pm

boots wrote:

I find the downside to the gemach culture is that people ask for, what I would consider, unnecessary favors all the time. Some people do not take "no" graciously, but even those who do don't seem to appreciate that even asking creates pressure.

You said this perfectly. I hate when there is a service available and people look to take advantage of it regardless of if they had a need that existed prior to hearing about the service.

I really resent when people ask for favors when their own DH can do them.

The secret is not to tell people you have spare bedrooms. I am not interested in strangers in my house.

DVOM

Sun, Dec 16 2018, 6:45 pm

Interesting. I love having adult guests and families with kids, either for meals or to sleep over. What I don't like is hosting kids without adults. I find when my kids have friends over for Shabbos I'm kind of on edge. I feel the responsibility of taking care of the kids, making sure everyone is getting along, making sure everyone is having a good time. I find it very stressful.

amother

Ruby

Mon, Dec 17 2018, 12:05 am

I'm new to the thread maybe you guys have some advice for me. I'm really not looking forward to hosting relatives for Pesach. We have one set of parents plus a single sibling coming for the first half and then the other set of parents and another single sibling time for the second half. Everyone kind of just informed us that they want to come and there is no way that we could tell them no! People want to see their children and grandchildren on pesach! And no, there is no spare room. We have to rearrange the kids to make room. We're not really going to have a break in between and we're going to have no privacy for a week and a half! A very high-strung week and a half! I don't know how I'm going to handle this. Advice??

amother

Babypink

Mon, Dec 17 2018, 1:03 am

After having a table full of guests yesterday, I realized I'm just too old for this anymore. I'm in my 60s with a disabled husband. I was up til 2am cleaning and had to take blood pressure meds as it was sky-high. My last child left home 3 years ago and I love when they come but otherwise it,s too much mentally and physically. B"H, we have a full Kiddush at our shul and I can visit there, come home with dh, learn at bit and nap. I'm just going to mainly have guests on Yom tov ( only one meal for non- family).
We actually started going away for Pesach and Yom tov for 3 to 4 years to break the cycle/ obligation of entertaining and now people don't expect us to be here.
I'm a BT so it had always been stressful for me to have lots of guests. In my 30s and 40s I had so many, and if I could redo, I'd have much less and focus on my own children more when they were young ( some of whom are otd). I think it,s great if you can do it and enjoy, but your kids should not have to pay the price. Otoh...I used to host my kids' friends in high school and that was nice for them.

amother

Olive

Mon, Dec 17 2018, 3:20 am

Not every chessed is right for everyone at every stage in life. If hosting isn't your thing, for whatever reason, try to find other ways to help people. Hosting is special in that your kids see chessed in action (as opposed to writing a check). So try taking kids with you to deliver tomchei shabbos packages, helping out at a gemach, setting up at shul, etc. You do your kids a huge favor when you demonstrate chessed for them, with them. They don't have to give up their beds to a stranger to have this opportunity.

amother

Lemon

Mon, Dec 17 2018, 3:29 am

amother wrote:

The question is, is it always a chessed. Is every favor a chessed?
Is it a chessed to host someone who wants free accommodation at a vacation spot? Is it a chessed to have someone who prefers your comfy guest room over an air mattress at his mil's? And so on.
I think that the 'gemach culture' causes us to mislabel many things as a chessed, when they could also be seen in another light.

amother

Olive

Mon, Dec 17 2018, 4:04 am

amother wrote:

I grew up in a city that was a popular tourist destination. We didn't host people we didn't know for vacation, but my parents definitely opened their home to make other people's lives more comfortable. (And I'm talking long term company here.)

Yes, I think a bed in my house is better than an air mattress somewhere else and does constitute chessed - but that's because my house and my family and my personality are set up for hosting. There's nothing wrong with not opening your home, provided you find other ways to model chessed.