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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Dd-14, got her first period and didn’t tell me.
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amother
Gray


 

Post Mon, Dec 17 2018, 1:17 pm
Normal or not?
How should I approach it?

She didn’t realize I was in the same room as her and I heard her telling her friend that she got it.
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cm




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 17 2018, 1:22 pm
Normal. She is old enough to take care of her own hygeine, and presumably knows about periods so was not alarmed.
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 17 2018, 1:24 pm
I didn't either tell my mother, but I didn't discuss it with friends either. . The only time my mother knew was when I needed more sanitary supplies. I was also 14 when I got mine.
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little neshamala




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 17 2018, 1:27 pm
Are you two close? If not she may have just felt uncomfortable
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amother
Rose


 

Post Mon, Dec 17 2018, 1:30 pm
I didn't tell my mom either but she figured it out in her own as she was the one making sure the bathroom was always stocked. But I didnt discuss it with my friends either.
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amother
Orchid


 

Post Mon, Dec 17 2018, 1:33 pm
I don't recall telling my mother. I was 12.

I was expected to take care of my own supply purchases.


not sure why I got the hearts. It was very reasonable to expect me to do so - I walked by the drug store on the way home from school. At what age should a person be responsible for this type of purchase?

(noting that same mother was expected to purchase my 'pesach toothbrush' for many years after I moved out, as I spend yom tov with my parents - every family has its quirks).
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groisamomma




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 17 2018, 1:34 pm
I didn’t tell her. Why should I, if she couldn’t be bothered to prepare me in advance I shouldn’t have a heart attack at age 11? That’s what sisters are for...
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amother
Tan


 

Post Mon, Dec 17 2018, 1:42 pm
groisamomma wrote:
I didn’t tell her. Why should I, if she couldn’t be bothered to prepare me in advance I shouldn’t have a heart attack at age 11? That’s what sisters are for...


I know.... but she was the only one home.

I found a bloody mess and I thought I'm dying...

My uncle found blood in the toilet 5 years earleir and had recently died after an intense battle with cancer. Then I got my period....

My older sister would always use up the stash and never replenish. She even took the few backups I hid in my drawer under my underwear.....
Once on a shabbos I almost passed out crying when I realized I got it with no pads in the house. (My mom was post menopause) my father tore off paper towel for me.
I was ready to snap. Honestly I'd probably have a breakdown of he hasn't don't it.

How is your relationship with your daughter?
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 17 2018, 1:59 pm
I do think that in a normal mother/daughter relationship, a daughter would tell her mother that she reached such a milestone.

But I do have special memories of when I got mine, and they involve my sister. I was close to her, and when I realized I'd gotten my period early on a Shabbos morning at age 13 1/2, I went to wake her and ask her for her help. My sister was the type that could sleep like a stone on Shabbos, but when I told her, she jumped up and showed me what I needed, and made me feel really good about it. Later, we told my mother (who was also sleeping....)
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amother
Mustard


 

Post Mon, Dec 17 2018, 2:13 pm
I didn't tell my mother til about 3 months in (when I completely leaked through my underwear). I knew what to expect and where the pads were kept. I'm just a private person.. never thought of telling her (definitely never told my friends). Normal, healthy home dynamics.
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amother
Lawngreen


 

Post Mon, Dec 17 2018, 2:22 pm
My mom signed us up for a mother daughter "learn about your body" class, to open the lines of communication. I was mortified through the whole thing, though I participated as expected. I told her nothing after that.
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amother
Aqua


 

Post Mon, Dec 17 2018, 2:30 pm
amother wrote:
I don't recall telling my mother. I was 12.

I was expected to take care of my own supply purchases.


not sure why I got the hearts. It was very reasonable to expect me to do so - I walked by the drug store on the way home from school. At what age should a person be responsible for this type of purchase?

(noting that same mother was expected to purchase my 'pesach toothbrush' for many years after I moved out, as I spend yom tov with my parents - every family has its quirks).


Same here! I would say we must have the same mother who could buy me a pesach toothbrush but not pads except I don’t have any sisters! Wow! There’s really another mother out there who didn’t care that her dd didn’t always have pads when necessary??? I’m cracking up about the pesach toothbrush though!!!!!!
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amother
Gray


 

Post Mon, Dec 17 2018, 2:33 pm
OP here. I think a mother deserves to know that she reached a milestone. Otherwise how would I know not to worry? How would I know that she got it? We have a good relationship but she is rather a reserved kid and wouldn’t talk much about anything personal. My older daughter did tell me as soon as she got it.
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flowerpower




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 17 2018, 2:38 pm
amother wrote:
OP here. I think a mother deserves to know that she reached a milestone. Otherwise how would I know not to worry? How would I know that she got it? We have a good relationship but she is rather a reserved kid and wouldn’t talk much about anything personal. My older daughter did tell me as soon as she got it.


It’s totally a type! I heard from other mothers that the more reserved daughters didn’t let them know when they got their period while their other kids did.
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cm




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 17 2018, 3:00 pm
amother wrote:
OP here. I think a mother deserves to know that she reached a milestone. Otherwise how would I know not to worry? How would I know that she got it? We have a good relationship but she is rather a reserved kid and wouldn’t talk much about anything personal. My older daughter did tell me as soon as she got it.


I was a little older than your daughter, but it didn't occur to me to tell my mother, and I suspect that a teenager wouldn't find it intuitive that a parent "deserves" to know anything personal. Assuming that the teen has a good understanding of her body (not a given in some communities) and is generally afforded some degree of privacy, I would expect her to take care of it herself and only come to mother if she's concerned.

In order for teens to know what their parents expect from them, we have to tell them. "Rochele, please let me know when you start your period. It might seem awkward, but it's the sort of thing parents need to know to be sure everything is ok with you."
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 17 2018, 3:14 pm
Cm nailed it.

My oldest didn't tell me, I found out when it came up at her next check-up.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 17 2018, 3:35 pm
amother wrote:
OP here. I think a mother deserves to know that she reached a milestone. Otherwise how would I know not to worry? How would I know that she got it? We have a good relationship but she is rather a reserved kid and wouldn’t talk much about anything personal. My older daughter did tell me as soon as she got it.


I wouldn't present it to a teen as a "deserves to know" type of thing, because that could turn some teens off. However your next point makes alot of sense - telling her that you need to know, because it is a milestone and lets you know she is developing as expected.
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amother
Gray


 

Post Mon, Dec 17 2018, 3:42 pm
cm wrote:
I was a little older than your daughter, but it didn't occur to me to tell my mother, and I suspect that a teenager wouldn't find it intuitive that a parent "deserves" to know anything personal. Assuming that the teen has a good understanding of her body (not a given in some communities) and is generally afforded some degree of privacy, I would expect her to take care of it herself and only come to mother if she's concerned.

In order for teens to know what their parents expect from them, we have to tell them. "Rochele, please let me know when you start your period. It might seem awkward, but it's the sort of thing parents need to know to be sure everything is ok with you."


Just like a teen has concerns, moms have concerns too. Like, if she’s getting older and didn’t get her period yet.
And when I originally told her about the period, I asked her to please tell me when she gets it the first time.
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amother
Aqua


 

Post Mon, Dec 17 2018, 3:43 pm
Op, your dd probably is uncomfortable and just doesn’t know how to tell you...

I guess you can tell her that you realize that she has her period by now and tell her to let you know if she runs out of pads... see how she respond , if she has any concerns... ask her if she feels okay the first day... then you can ask her how long ago it started.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Dec 17 2018, 3:44 pm
I told my girls that when they get their first period I will take them out to a special lunch....maybe that encouraged the communication....
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