Dd-14, got her first period and didn’t tell me.

emzod42

Mon, Dec 17 2018, 10:24 pm

I'm close with my mom and I told her, but I remember regretting it because I think she told my dad, and I know she told my grandma, because the next time she saw me she gave me a necklace, telling me "I got one for all the grown women in the family" with a meaningful smile. I was so embarrassed! Anyway, maybe your daughter was worried you'd tell others and she wanted to avoid that? It's not like my mom is a big yenta, but for a long time she thought stuff like that was her news to tell her confidantes, not my private business.

amother

Floralwhite

Mon, Dec 17 2018, 10:48 pm

When my mother gave me "the talk" (which was really not clear enough but not getting into that) she told me that there's no need to discuss it with anyone. I took that as meaning "don't talk about it". She also told me that if I don't get it by the time I'm 16 years old I should let her know. At age 14 she asked me if I had gotten it yet. I confirmed that I had. Pretty much that was that. She kept the bathroom stocked but I didn't really like the brands she bought so I would buy them myself at the pharmacy hoping that no one would notice me. I also purposely didn't buy them exactly at the time I got my period- I would always be on the lookout for coupons for my favorite brand and would stock up then.

I plan on giving my daughter much more information as well as a variety of products to try including menstrual cups, tampons, disposable pads and some cloth as well. I would tell her that if she wishes to share/vent with me she's free to do so but that she is under no obligation. I also want to give her tips and tricks as to how to handle it in school and camp.

(btw I totally relate to the big sister thing. I made sure my little sisters were okay in this regard. I also took my sister to buy her first real bra after my mother didn't sound very interested in doing so)

pause

Mon, Dec 17 2018, 11:07 pm

amother wrote:

My dd never told me. Presumably it eventually happened. She's a smart girl, reads a lot, got A's in biology, and her school gave girls "the talk" at some point, so I assume she knew what was happening when it happened. Not all girls are comfortable discussing intimate bodily functions with their moms, just as not all women want their mom with them when they give birth or when they go to the mikvah for the first time. Diff'rent strokes for diff'rent folks.

OP, your dd isn't rejecting you as a mom.Lots of girls are more comfortable talking to their friends, ignorant and misinformed though they may or may not be.

You're making too many assumptions.

I'm sorry to be so blunt about it, but your DD might one day get on this thread and post about how her mother didn't tell her anything and show her anything and didn't care to know if she's ok and how she feels about it....

You may want to reconsider your laissez-faire approach.

amother

Babyblue

Mon, Dec 17 2018, 11:29 pm

Well, since we're sharing our period traumas, I'll chime in.

My mom gave me the book and that was it. But we did have a proper talk in school. So I knew what to expect.

My mom insisted on keeping my pads in her bedroom. And the rule in our house was that we're not allowed to go into her bedroom. Which meant that every time I needed a pad, I had to find her and ask her for one. She also refused despite much begging to put a small garbage can in the bathroom which meant I had to walk through the house trying to hide my rolled-up, wrapped up, used pad to throw it out in the kitchen garbage (and then try to cover it there so no one saw).

Chayalle

Tue, Dec 18 2018, 9:51 am

amother wrote:

Op here

Thank you Ravenclaw, finally someone who understands. I’m with you- I can’t imagine/understand skipping to tell a mother. I did exactly what your mother did. I had a talk with her when she was almost 12 to prepare her for it and yet she didn’t share it with me. I am this type of mom who shares and shmoozes a lot with my kids.
Yes, she is pretty much reserved and I guess that’s the reason for it.
To the poster who said that maybe she lied to her friend- I actually thought about it already because is it possible she should hide it so well? No dirty pj’s, underwear or linen? No pads and/or wrappers in the garbage? No cramps? Was she able to hide the cramps?

My plan is that I will ask her in a few weeks about it. I guess I’ll see her reply.
I’m not worried at all that she’s rejecting me as a mom, that was not my concern at all. My concern was rather- that I’m feeling bad for her, especially if she was having cramping and just hid it.

You sound like a great mother - you did yours, and your focus is on her, not on yourself.

As a mother, I often note the many ways that my girls are different than me. They have different personalities and they don't necessarily want things the way I would think. That's okay.

It was so interesting to me to see different perspectives on this thread from other posters. For example, I celebrated with my girls by going out to lunch, but thunderstorm posted that she isn't into that. If she were my daughter, I hope I would pick up on that and respect it.

Some posters wrote how embarrassing it was for them if their fathers said anything. When my girls got their periods, I did mention to DH, privately, that that milestone had been reached (so he wouldn't worry - he is also their parent) but also told him to play dumb because girls find it embarrassing to be acknowledged by their fathers - it's personal. I also feel sorry for the poster whose family all knew and commented on her mood (that might be why people hugged you, because they felt for you) and as a parent, sometimes there are such moods, but I try not to make such comments, because it's hurtful to teens (unless they say something to me like, I feel so gross...and I acknowledge that it's normal at the time of the month, and will pass, and just take it easy, etc...).

amother

Gray

Tue, Dec 18 2018, 11:01 am

Chayalla, I’m with thunderstorm. I’m not into these celebrating thingys. With my older daughter when she told me that she got it for the first time, I gave her a hug and said- “im so happy, you reached a tremendous milestone”

I just wish I can do it with my next daughter already. She’s missing out... oh well...
I will give her that hug when she does end up telling me.

Oh and I definitely share it with my husband. He’s their father, and he too wants to hear that they reached a milestone. Although, I would make sure my daughters are not aware that I shared it with him.

amother

Mistyrose

Tue, Dec 18 2018, 11:35 am

I would feel super embarrassed if there was any sort of celebration for this, even if done privately such as a lunch date with mom. Did you also have a celebratory lunch when buying a first bra? Do boys get a celebration when their pen!s becomes enlarged? I am sorry I am so negative about this whole thing but this is just how I feel. To all your mothers who enjoyed the celebration as daughters, I guess carry it on with your daughters...

keym

Tue, Dec 18 2018, 11:45 am

I did a lunch the first time. More like a "treat ourselves with cheesy comfort food" lunch, not celebratory. Her pediatrician encouraged her to ask me about my experiences and coping mechanisms as many girls experience similar to their moms.
So we discussed pain relief, not lashing out during PMS, chocolate.
The lunch was part of it. My exact words were "when I get my period, I treat myself to pizza, Mac n cheese or other comfort foods. Today we'll do it together, and you figure out your comfort foods or treats whether its a facial, chocolate, a cheap splurge or pizza".

Chayalle

Tue, Dec 18 2018, 11:46 am

amother wrote:

Actually, sort of....the icecream store is situated very conveniently, in proximity to the store I took DD to for her first bra.

I don't have boys, but I've seen some pretty lavish Bar Mitzva celebrations....just sayin...

My DD's didn't object to these treats, but if they would be uncomfortable I certainly wouldn't push it.

ETA: Banging head

Well, my youngest recently got her first, and I'm just more experienced by now and don't need those fitters for bras (my girls hate them, BTW) so I just ordered some for her from Gap. But this particular child gets so many treats and prizes out of us, that I don't feel so bad that she missed out on icecream.....maybe when she needs a real bra we'll have a treat....

amother

Babyblue

Tue, Dec 18 2018, 1:20 pm

amother wrote:

She also never told me about breasts, so I wrapped those tight with a bandage until I thought I was going to die so I told her it might be a tumor (one came in before the other). She didnt get deoderant but I saw everyone at camp using it so I bought myself some.

So at age 9/10 you knew about tumors but not breasts, and had access to and knew how to tie bandages? Something seems odd about this.

amother

Wheat

Tue, Dec 18 2018, 8:12 pm

Sorry to burst your bubble, but if your (as in general you, not op) daughter didn’t tell you, you are not as close as you would like to think. Many moms give off uncomfortable vibes and seem uncomfortable discussing these things with daughters and the daughters in turn feed off that and don’t feel comfortable talking about it with their moms. Some mothers think they have close relationships with their kids, but if you asked the kids you’d get a different answer.

amother

Orchid

Tue, Dec 18 2018, 8:27 pm

amother wrote:

Same here! I would say we must have the same mother who could buy me a pesach toothbrush but not pads except I don’t have any sisters! Wow! There’s really another mother out there who didn’t care that her dd didn’t always have pads when necessary??? I’m cracking up about the pesach toothbrush though!!!!!!

Just seeing this. (I also don't have sisters as it happens)

Its not that my mother didn't care - its just that it was on me to deal with it. I was a fairly independent kid - so this never struck me as odd.

I was certainly educated on what to expect and all that. My mother did purchase the first package of pads - and told me where they were when I needed them. I probably took them to summer camp when I was 11 just in case.