Dd-14, got her first period and didn’t tell me.

amother

Orchid

Tue, Dec 18 2018, 8:48 pm

amother wrote:

What's up with all the secrecy? I am totally surprised by this thread. And I come from a very sheltered home...if that makes any difference. Dont know

My mother didn't tell me when she had her period - so why should I tell her? That was my logic.

amother

Gray

Tue, Dec 18 2018, 8:51 pm

amother wrote:

Sorry to burst your bubble, but if your (as in general you, not op) daughter didn’t tell you, you are not as close as you would like to think. Many moms give off uncomfortable vibes and seem uncomfortable discussing these things with daughters and the daughters in turn feed off that and don’t feel comfortable talking about it with their moms. Some mothers think they have close relationships with their kids, but if you asked the kids you’d get a different answer.

When a mom feels uncomfortable discussing certain things with their daughter, then that’s a different story. And that, in some cases is the reason for poor relationship. A mom has to be the one to initiate.
That’s not the case here. I don’t at all feel uncomfortable. I talk and talk and talk... and maybe even too much, to my kids. She is simply very reserved and she is the one who doesnt feel comfortable. And is unable to break that feeling, whereas my older daughter was also a bit uncomfortable but put her feelings aside and did tell me.
I don’t think that feeling uncomfortable to tell mom about period means that there’s no relationship.

little neshamala

Tue, Dec 18 2018, 8:54 pm

We had no money growing up. And my mother was extremely anxious and always under pressure, and not in a healthy way.

So I had to listen to her when she told me we save money by not buying pads and using cut up shmattas from old clothing. She had a whole box of it...

After a few horrific years I put my foot down because I didnt want my little sisters going through that..

Ravenclaw

Tue, Dec 18 2018, 9:20 pm

clowny wrote:

Am I the only one who feels that school nurse preparing a kid for her period is a bit inappropriate? And then we wonder why girls don’t have a relationship with their parents

Agreed. It’s the mother’s job.

amother

Brown

Tue, Dec 18 2018, 9:30 pm

Ravenclaw wrote:

I see that most people who didn’t tell their mother and were ok already had “the talk”, and those that didn’t get educated seem upset. So OP, did you already teach your daughter all she needs to know? Or did she just “manage” on her own? I guess that is the guideline of if it’s normal or not.
I would still talk to her though.
Funnily enough, after the first three months my mother had to gently break it to me that I don’t need to tell her every month. I was reminded of that when I had to tell my three year old the same thing once she was fully trained TMI

I agree with you. Just want to add, that specifically, I think it's important to make sure they're educated regarding the practicalities, not just biology. The different types of pads and tampons, how often to change them, how to dispose of them, sleeping, where to keep them discreetly, etc.

My mother probably assumed that this was self explanatory, but it wasn't. And I was too ashamed to ask.

Also, that cramps are normal, that hating the whole experience is normal.

My mom made this whole big deal that this is so exciting bec now I'll be able to have kids (which isn't even accurate), that I thought something was wrong with me for feeling so miserable about it.

amother

Denim

Tue, Dec 18 2018, 9:45 pm

I think learning to talk about it is important.
It might be a private bodily function, but it's not something to be embarrassed of.

My dd isn't old enough yet to have her period but we've discussed it a few times. Having the facts and experiencing something are very different, I want her to be able to talk to me if she's confused, needs help figuring things out or is in pain and uncomfortable.

Also later in life they are going to have to learn to talk about this with their husbands and doctors. If it's a natural thing to talk about (yes, privately) hopefully it will be easier a bit later on for them.

Also, about 'celebrating' their first time. It makes a bit of sense to me. I really don't like my period, the discomfort, cramps, emotions, plus nidda and all that....
but I don't want to give over a negativity to my dd, why not make her feel special at a time that is so confusing for kids.

fish

Tue, Dec 18 2018, 11:05 pm

This is a sore topic for me.... My mother bought the book told me to read it and that was it. She used to always say stupid things like, you should wear a bra (she didn't buy me one thou), or when are you going to shave your legs (didn't buy me a shaver) ect, so when I got my period I sure didn't tell her! At first I used to stuff my underwear with toilet paper and then I graduated to steal pads.... Yes stealing! There was a kid in my class that I knew kept pads in her backpack, I used to steal them and to this day I always think mayb I should send her boxes of pads to pay her back, and also poor kid what if she needed them and they were gone? I was so desperate I didn't know what else to do. My mother is crazy this is just one aspect of my disfunctional childhood.

amother

Taupe

Tue, Dec 18 2018, 11:27 pm

This thread is so validating.
I was the youngest home. My sister used to stock up. I was a very reserved kid. Hardest thing after getting married was 'sharing my periods'... Doing calendar or questions made me cringe. I told my mom the first time I got it and that's it! If I needed pads and my sister wasnt living at home anymore, I would ask my friend to get it for me. I never had the Guts to buy it myself.
Love this thread. Keep going...

amother

Powderblue

Wed, Dec 19 2018, 4:05 am

I got mine at 15 and didn't tell my mom! I felt she was already too nosy about my private life and didn't deserve to know another bit.

OP I think you should just let it go. Your daughter deserves to decide who she wants to tell. It might hurt your feelings, but your daughter's feelings come first when it is a private matter concerning her body, IMO.

amother

Green

Wed, Dec 19 2018, 9:02 am

I also didn't tell my mom, although she was very worried because I was soon to be 15. By mistake the 2nd time I got my period my grand-mother saw my underwear... but I only told my mother the truth about my 1st period years later.
I never told her after that. I used toilet paper, I hated buying pads, I hated not having my privacy and having to ask my mother about something that was essential for me.

Please OP, now is the time to strengthen your daughter, to give her confidence. Tell her you'll giver her 10 dollars a month to buy her necessities, or show her a special place where she (and only she) will be able to put her personal pads.

amother

Green

Wed, Dec 19 2018, 9:03 am

amother wrote:

This thread has turned out to be quite therapeutic for some of us!
It's reassuring to know that I wasn't the only kid walking around with wads of toilet paper stuffed in her underwear !

LOL! Thank you Hug

I feel so validated too! Never again for my daughters!

amother

Brown

Wed, Dec 19 2018, 9:14 am

amother wrote:

Right, why did I have to ask every time? She probably never thought about it, but hopefully when my dd's are that age I'll know to always keep the bathroom cabinets stocked.

Chayalle

Wed, Dec 19 2018, 9:55 am

amother wrote:

I think this may be true in many situations, but not necessarily in all. There are girls who have very private, more introverted types of personalities. They may be very close to their mothers, but would not necessarily share personal information like that.

I don't think a mother has to feel like she failed at close relationship with her daughter, just because her daughter didn't tell her. Though she certainly can do some introspection, just to make sure....

amother

Lemon

Wed, Dec 19 2018, 10:20 am

amother wrote:

Normal or not?
How should I approach it?

She didn’t realize I was in the same room as her and I heard her telling her friend that she got it.

I actually don’t think it is normal. I wasn’t close to my mother but told her the day I got it at aged 11. And my DD told me when she got it at aged 13.

I personally would worry what else your 14-year old is not telling you...

InnerMe

Wed, Dec 19 2018, 10:35 am

little neshamala wrote:

So many hugs to that little girl.

So many posts here that are heart breaking.