Dd-14, got her first period and didn’t tell me.

amother

Copper

Wed, Dec 19 2018, 8:08 am

It seems a bit weird to me, but I guess some kids are more private than others. My mom did explicitly tell me I should let her know so that she knows I'm developing properly. Also, she told me she had gotten hers at 16, and I know she was nervous that I would also be very late (I wasn't, got it at 13. We were surprised at the time, but later learned that all my dad's sisters had gotten it around then, so it seems I took after his side on that). I did tell my mom, though never really talked to her about it after that. There was no need to. She had explained it's normal to be a bit irregular in the beginning, and warned me it might hurt. I never had more pain than an advil could handle, and though I do have very heavy periods, it's not like I'm soaking through ten overnight pads a day, so within the realm of normal. When I decided to start trying tampons, I did that on my own, I never mentioned it to mom. Felt too weird.

I do remember being very anxious about telling my dad. My parents are divorced, so I knew my dad was going to need to know when I needed to start keeping supplies at his house, but I worried about how weird it was going to be. I'm pretty sure my mom told him as soon as I told her, because I noticed my bathroom at his house was well stocked the next time I was there. So I never said a word to dad, but he was aware of when I started.

amother

Teal

Wed, Dec 19 2018, 11:02 am

Question to all you experienced Mommy's. Can a girl get her period before any signs of Puberty. I am starting to think of when to start the conversation regarding periods with my daughter. She is still very young, but want to have the talk in time.

ra_mom

Wed, Dec 19 2018, 11:08 am

amother wrote:

Breast buds will appear first along with some fine pubic hair. But if you don't regularly see her undressed you may not be aware of these subtle changes.
In any case, you should speak about those changes (breasts, hair) before they happen so she knows to expect them and doesn't freak out. Education should be an ongoing conversation where information is relayed slowly. Not a one time crash course.
Good luck!

Last edited by ra_mom on Wed, Dec 19 2018, 11:09 am; edited 1 time in total

Chayalle

Wed, Dec 19 2018, 11:09 am

amother wrote:

You should definitely speak to your daughter at the age that it's appropriate to do so, regardless of her own development or signs of puberty.

In a parenting course I once took, the recommended age to tell your daughter was at 10. I go by this.

amother

Teal

Wed, Dec 19 2018, 11:16 am

Thanks for the responses. My daughter is only 8 and we do talk openly about body changes because she has asked about these already based on observations of adult females. I have just not discussed anything about periods at all. I wasn't sure if I needed to discuss when she was 9 or it could wait a bit till 10-11.

ra_mom

Wed, Dec 19 2018, 11:19 am

amother wrote:

Age 10 is standard unless you have earlier family history or you see that the child is already maturing, then earlier is necessary.

We have family history of age 14 on 1 side and age 11 on the other. So we spoke about periods at age 10.

forgetit

Mon, Dec 24 2018, 10:31 pm

Some of you mentioned telling your dd how to handle it in school/camp and how to manage pain, etc. Can anyone share practical tips for this? Especially the school bit?

Last edited by forgetit on Wed, Feb 12 2020, 10:26 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Tangerine

Tue, Dec 25 2018, 1:36 am

Totally normal. It's that age... My mother was very hurt when I went to speak to an older friend, a seminary student, instead of speaking to her, but I just wasn't comfortable with discussing it with her at the time. Wisely, she didn't tell me about that hurt until years later, and told me it was okay to speak to whomever I feel comfortable with. Her reaction was one of the reasons I've always been able to speak to her about anything if I want to, I think.
So this is what I did with my daughters. Two told me and one didn't. I just let them know that I'm here if they need me and to let me know if they want me to buy them anything specific :-)

ra_mom

Tue, Dec 25 2018, 6:34 am

forgetit wrote:

Some of you mentioned telling your dd how to handle it in school/camp and how to manage pain, etc. Can anyone share practical tips for this? Especially the school bit?

I sent a small wristlet with pad, individually wrapped wipe, and travel packet of Motrin to keep in her backpack just in case. Also discussed that if she's not feeling well and needs to come home she should go to the office and ask to call me.
She worried and asked what to do in a situation where they just say take a Tylenol and go back to class? I told her she should say I'm having a lot of stomach pain and really need to call my mother. I explained that a woman would understand what that means and the urgency of the matter.

Ima2

Sun, Feb 03 2019, 12:50 am

this thread is so interesting. When my oldest dd became of age that I needed to discuss this stuff with her, I tried to think back what my mom said to me. and I couldn't remember anything! I couldn't remember ever having a conversation with her about it. my school showed a video about getting periods. and I remember my mom telling me at some point that her mom didn't tell her anything and she thought she was dying when she first got hers. so she must have talked to me about it but I have no recollection. I know I told my mom about it but I was the youngest of 3 girls so my house was already stocked up. I don't remember asking her to buy stuff for me. even tampons. I think I figured things out from seeing stuff in the bathroom. I don't kknow why I don't remember! anyhow, when my oldest got it at 13, she was at a sleepover!! she came home in the morning and after my husband left the house she was hesitant to tell me. she was just like ummmm, imma, ummm... and I assumed that she got it. when I guessed it she burst out in tears. I have no idea why she was crying! we talked about a few years before and I asked her if she remembered out conversation and she said yes. she wouldn't tell me why she was crying, if it was good or bad crying. I spent a while discussing what to do and how to do it and all the specifics and that seemed to calm her down. But recently I noticed that she hadn't asked me to buy more supplies for her so I nonchalantly asked her if everything is ok and if she's getting is regularly. she kind of said "eh, kind of" and went off to her friend's house (she was on the way out the door anyways). it's been quite a few months and she hasn't needed any supplies. should I be worried?

amother

Gold

Sun, Feb 03 2019, 1:19 am

my post is probably different situation than most. (I didnt read through all, just most of the first page)

When I was 13, 7th grader, I got mine on a Friday. This was a Friday that I was going away and I anticipated this shabbos for a while. I didnt know what to do although I had read the book "the wonder of becoming you" at some point. I told my sister who gave me some pads and that was about it. Problem was that I had it raelly really heavy. I was soaking through pads every few minutes and couldnt understand how it was legal to only be allowed out of class 1x per class and how to sneak pads out and all. I still wanted to go away since I was looking forward for so many times. Anyways, I had clots all shabbos and was in bathroom non stop - so embarrassing. I was sure everyone knew and didnt have enough supply. Toilet paper wouldnt cut it. I had no choice but to tell my mother when I came home Motzei shabbos that I needed more. she couldnt understand how I used everything up (my sister had mentioned to her). I wasnt close to her at all but told her that it wasnt even enough over shabbos and I needed asap. She couldnt understand and disregarded it saying its not possible. Then she asked me a few months later how its going and if I need more pads. I had no idea how the whole thing works and just wore a new one each day "just in case". it was three months or so and I never got it for those three months. My mother basically told me that it can take 2 years to regulate.

Problem 1: Reached out for help and concerns and needs completely dismissed.
Problem 2: Completely avoiding telling me it MIGHT be an issue that I was irregular.

Fast forward 3 or 4 years -
I told my mother that she should probably make an appointment since its way past two years and still issues with cycle. She is the one who told me it needs attention after two years to begin with. She said it could take longer and no need.

Problem 3: Going against her advice and not willing to accept issue and do something about it.

I was away for school at that point and didnt have who to argue with. How should I know what it means? It was in the back of my head. For me it was convenient to have a few times a year and I didnt know another way.

Fast forward 2 years-
I got engaged at 18 and didnt know this can be a problem with inferitility.
I didnt know how to plan my wedding date. (for many reasons didnt have much to do with my mother at all at that point) I had to choose a random date because there was no flow with my chartings.

Fast forward 8 months or so after wedding-
I was googling symptoms I have in general and figured out I that I probably have PCOS. Confirmed a year later by RE. I brought it up originally with a nurse who dismissed it saying: "Nah, its only obese people or people with x.y.z symptoms" Meanwhile, I weigh more than average although its not visible. I have those other symptoms but hide them well.

Later, I learned that bleeding the way I was bleeding in the beginning can be dangerous - my mother totally didnt seem concerned. Other subsequent periods after that were heavy but not nearly as bad as beginning ones. Only after I had my baby after many years did I have bleeding like that again.

Bottom Line: See what happened here? I can understand that this is something uncomfortable for a daughter to mention to her mother. HOWEVER, once she confides in you or you choose to bring it up - please be sensitive, validating, open and truthful. It goes a long way. You dont want her resenting you 11 years later as I do unfortunately & understandably.

Hatzlocha!

amother

Brunette

Sun, Feb 03 2019, 2:10 pm

I was totally irregular from age 14 to 40 and never had an infertility or PCOS or any other problem. My daughter is very irregular and my SIL was nervous but the midwife said it's not a problem. My niece had a period 3 or 4 times a year and has a slew of kids. Many girls are irregular in the beginning so let's not make problems when they aren't. I can just see every other teenage girl being schlepped to gynecologists for nothing.