Do you tell your kids/dh when you are not fasting?

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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Shabbos, Rosh Chodesh, Fast Days, and other Days of Note

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amother

Teal

Tue, Dec 18 2018, 2:06 pm

I like to be honest... especially with my husband!
But I’ve been eating today since I find that I cannot fast easily anymore.
I know it’s a hard day for everyone fasting and I used to be careful to fast on all fast days... but I just can’t lately. I need my coffee in the morning... when I don’t eat I am not functioning well..
But I don’t want my kids to know..
dh wouldn’t be upset with me but I feel like he would respect me more if he thought I was fasting... I guess it’s a lack of self control and I feel bad about it.
I’m eating secretly and I’m afraid that soon everyone will realize that I have more energy at this point of the day than most fasters and the questions will begin...

amother

Jetblack

Tue, Dec 18 2018, 2:14 pm

I only fast yom kipper.
I dont know any women that fast asara b'teivos.

amother

Yellow

Tue, Dec 18 2018, 2:17 pm

I'm not fasting today and my kids do know, because I've been in bed for 4 days with a bad cold. DH told me not to fast.

But, I often don't fast on some of the minor fasts. I don't let my kids know but I do let my husband know. I have health issues (high blood pressure, anxiety, depression, migraines) that make it hard for me to cope with my day when I'm fasting. And I have two kids who are very difficult kids - severe ADHD. So if I feel I need to eat, I'll eat. I need to be able to be a good mommy. I don't think fasting but being a wreck and not being able to take care of them is a good plan. But I feel guilty because I never asked a shaila about it. And I hide it from them because I want to be a good role model for them. (I know that sounds hypocritical.)

thunderstorm

Tue, Dec 18 2018, 2:17 pm

I only fast on Tisha Bav and Yom Kippur since I have children. My kids and DH know.

amother

Jade

Tue, Dec 18 2018, 2:21 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

I only fast on Tisha Bav and Yom Kippur since I have children. My kids and DH know.

Ditto

amother

Sapphire

Tue, Dec 18 2018, 2:21 pm

I think it's fine for kids to know that there are times someone isn't required to fast. I get terrible migraines, so I only fast the big two, and my kids know that.

amother

Chocolate

Tue, Dec 18 2018, 2:24 pm

many women do fast on these days
there is nothing wrong with telling dh
if you want to tell your kids you can be honest, there are fasts that are "more optional" so to speak and explain in an age appropriate way -- chinuch

mommy3b2c

Tue, Dec 18 2018, 2:38 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

I only fast on Tisha Bav and Yom Kippur since I have children. My kids and DH know.

Same.

amother

Burlywood

Tue, Dec 18 2018, 2:48 pm

When I'm not pregnant or nursing, I fast all the fasts. For the last umpteen years, I've been nursing or pregnant about 90% of the time, so I've only been fasting the 2 big ones. When I'm visibly pregnant or nursing, I do tell my kids I'm not fasting. When I'm in the beginning of a pregnancy and don't want my kids to know yet, I don't offer them any information. I don't lie about it if they ask, but if they don't, I don't bring it up.

ETA: Of course my DH always knows whether I'm fasting or not.

flowerpower

Tue, Dec 18 2018, 2:52 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

I only fast on Tisha Bav and Yom Kippur since I have children. My kids and DH know.

Same here. My kids see me eat. I fasted every single fast until I had kids. Now I need koach to care for them. I tell them that.

Ruchel

Tue, Dec 18 2018, 2:56 pm

There's no way I'm hiding

amother

Dodgerblue

Tue, Dec 18 2018, 2:59 pm

I'm really amazed to read of so many women who do not fast on "minor fasts" unless they are Sephard. I never heard of such a thing (and I am pushing 50.) The only fast I recently started breaking at chatzot is tzom gedaliah b/c it is so close to Y"K, and it was making that fast even harder. I am not a good faster and have had some Y"K's where my head didn't leave a bucket for hours afterwards. People have to try to find what works for them. Some fasts I get up before it starts to eat (like today) - the once in a blue moon I eat breakfast with my husband! Try to fast to chatzot if possible.

amother

Coral

Tue, Dec 18 2018, 3:03 pm

Would it help to speak it over with a rav and then have that conversation to refer to? Or do you not think you will get the answer you want? Would dh respect you more if you have a psak? Would you respect yourself more?

If I don't fast (or break my fast), I tell dh if he is around or the next time I see him, and the kids when I see them, and simply say I'm sick, or I spoke to a rav, or I have spoken to a rav in the past and I know the guidelines/halachos.

Tue, Dec 18 2018, 3:05 pm

It sounds as though you feel a little guilty about eating today, otherwise you would just explain that you are not fasting. Probably the best thing would be to find out for sure if there's a problem. It might be totally ok. In any case, those who do not fast should eat discreetly and refrain from delicacies (this is what I have learned; your custom may be different).

gold21

Tue, Dec 18 2018, 4:33 pm

Many women I know do fast on these types of minor fasts . But I don't. Yes, I am open about it, it's not a secret.

Raisin

Tue, Dec 18 2018, 4:50 pm

I generally fast if I am not pregnant or nursing. BH I fast very well with the only side effect losing a pound or two. Smile

But sure, I would tell my kids if I wasn't fasting. There are a million reasons why I might not fast.

amother

Aquamarine

Tue, Dec 18 2018, 5:04 pm

amother wrote:

Ok. U do u. I think it’s amazing that u manage that.

I was told by my rav unequivocally that I need not fast when I am not feeling well on any of the ‘minor’ fasts. Whether because of fertility medication, pregnancy Bh or General I am a woman and I need food to function.

My mother has fasted all fasts since her kids got a bit older. I have great chashivus for fasting and do not take it lightly. But I just don’t believe it is appropriate in my stage and I do as I was told.

DVOM

Tue, Dec 18 2018, 5:05 pm

Our rav used to say, fast for as long as your able to. So I would try, and inevitably feel lightheaded and sick, but was never sure if I was sick enough to break the fast. I overdid it on fast days a few times and ended the day with excessive vomiting and dehydration because I had a hard time saying that I was too sick to fast. So now our rav says I should fast for two hours after the time I would normally eat breakfast, no matter how sick or not sick I feel. I cant tell you what a relief this has been.

I gear up for YK and T'Baav by drinking tons and eating lots of high protein foods for a week or two before each fast, and even then, it doesn't always end well.

zaq

Tue, Dec 18 2018, 5:21 pm

I don't consider it anyone's business whether I fast or not. My dh is not my confessor (wrong religion) and neither are my children. I wouldn't lie if they asked, though. FTR, I am fasting.

zaq

Tue, Dec 18 2018, 5:23 pm

amother wrote:

I only fast yom kipper.
I dont know any women that fast asara b'teivos.

Now you do, and I'm hardly unique in this. Why wouldn't I fast asarah b-teves? It's the easiest one of all in the Northern Hemisphere!

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