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Why are chasidishe weddings so expensive?
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amother
Khaki


 

Post Sun, Dec 23 2018, 8:21 pm
amother wrote:
You may. All of our children have degrees and jobs bh. Our son in-law worked very hard at his job immediately after the wedding and recently built a business. Our son lived in a furnished basement and did not vaction or live large- he recently bought a house -again with a budget and nothing too big or glamorous. They all worked throughout their teen and college years (Touro and sara schenirer) yes we bucked the trend and did our job as parents and made sure they have parnasa in their hand
They were taught to save and not spend frivolously. In theory they should iyh be able to. Of course mentch tracht But everything is in the hands of Hashem.


Degrees? College?, boys working during teen years? Are you from the chassidish community? If so, I really commend you for it all, but this is definite not a sample of the current Chassidish community.
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amother
Aubergine


 

Post Sun, Dec 23 2018, 8:21 pm
I didn't read the entire thread, so forgive me if what I'm posting is repetitive.

I have personally been involved in raising funds to marry off several chassidishe couples. The cost is 25 000$/side. This includes the wedding, furniture, housewares and gifts. There are people who spend more. but this is the basic standard.

How do people pay for it?
Just like Yeshivishe parents pay for seminary in E''Y or MO parents pay for college.

Some people can afford it outright.
Some people save up for it from their child's birth.
Some people take out loans.
Some young people (especially girls)work to pay for it.

Unlike seminary or college, marriage is not viewed as optional, so people who do not fall into the above categories will turn to tzeddakah. My parents are poor and have married off a double digit family by refinancing their home several times. They are now comfortably retired and mortgage free. Dh and I have RESP's for our kids, we put in 2000$/year for each child. When our children turn 17, we will have 40000$ -70000$ to help pay for their education and weddings.
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amother
Lemon


 

Post Sun, Dec 23 2018, 8:38 pm
amother wrote:
Degrees? College?, boys working during teen years? Are you from the chassidish community? If so, I really commend you for it all, but this is definite not a sample of the current Chassidish community.

I said I bucked the trend and boy did I get flack for it.
Teen years means baby sitting, selling esrogim, being counselors. When our son was in lakewood for yeshiva he worked bein hazman with special needs kids. Summertime our sons were lifeguards
I should also point out that our son was 23 when he found his shidduch -our daughter in law was slso 23 and had saved up money. And he went to school after he already had one child. Our daughter was 21 no this was not our choice but The ribono shel olam choice
Many chassiddish girls today are going for special ed degrees.
I have a co- worker who is extremely chassidish- she got married at 22. She worked all those years as a secretary and in graphics(yearbooks, ad booklets etc) she lived in a furnished basement for years, did not splurge, she saved and now she bought an apt
She says her sister spend every cent on nonsense and is now crying that she is choking. So its not only wether you are chassididish, yeshivish or any other derech. It is also chinuch and character and knowing the worth of hard work and money.
Sorry for the long post
BTW our youngest son went out to work full time. He is 21 and a wonderful young man any good ideas for a shidduch?
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amother
Lemon


 

Post Sun, Dec 23 2018, 8:41 pm
Amother aubergine
Thank you for reminding us
Seminary in eretz yisroel and then shana rishona in eretz yisroel is just as expensive
How do they do that?
At least the money spent on shtefiring is for more than one year
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crust




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Dec 23 2018, 8:49 pm
Wow lemon
What type of work is your son doing?
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amother
Lemon


 

Post Sun, Dec 23 2018, 8:52 pm
crust wrote:
Wow lemon
What type of work is your son doing?

He is now in construction.
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crust




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Dec 23 2018, 8:57 pm
amother wrote:
He is now in construction.


Kudos to you for encouraging him to do the right thing. I think you are a very mature parent.
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amother
Lemon


 

Post Sun, Dec 23 2018, 9:11 pm
crust wrote:
Kudos to you for encouraging him to do the right thing. I think you are a very mature parent.

I can fight him or love him and support him and stay connected

Just an interesting story
I was coming home from shul on yom kippur with my white tichel on my sheitel and my husband with his shtreimel and kittel and some students saw us. Later in school they commented “ we didn’t know you were chassidish”
Hmmm
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Amelia Bedelia




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Dec 23 2018, 9:54 pm
11213 wrote:
Didn’t read all the answers but here are the basic costs of a chasidishe bp wedding:

Girl gets:
Silver lichter
Machzor set
Pearls
Bracelet
Ring
Earrings (some don’t but most do)
Necklace (some don’t but most do)
Some do shabbos watch
1 or two shaitel
Vasser tichel + shirtzel

Boy gets:
Tfilin + bag
Silver becher
Silver menorah
Shtraimel
Bekishe
Tish bekish
Weekly long suit
Shas / sforim

Couple gets:
All the basics for the house
A monthly support from parents if the boy learns (which is the majority)

All that added to the cost of the wedding itself, which can be from 10k till anywhere adds up to a great sum of money.

Chasidishe weddings aren’t expensive at all. It’s the expenses that come before and after that are.

Is there a solution to change that?

I think that yes. And it starts at school with mechanchim teaching girls to have lower expectations. It starts with a few balbatish families that would take the lead and make standard weddings and lead by example (even if they can afford). It starts with teaching girls to be less materialistic and have less expectations). It starts with shadchanim and Kallah teachers talking to Kallahs and mothers about all that. It starts with rabonim raising awareness on these issues in shul.

Not all chassidish women wear (or receive) a white tichel. Even fewer wear shirtzelech.

Chassanim also get silver esrog pushke.
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amother
Hotpink


 

Post Sun, Dec 23 2018, 9:55 pm
What is causing chasidish vs litvish hatred.
I live in Lakewood. And more than once I heard a few litvish girls whispering and chanting to themselves " she is chasidish" behind my back...as if they never saw chasidish people in their lives and I'm an intruder.
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amother
Lemon


 

Post Sun, Dec 23 2018, 10:01 pm
You forgot the ladies hats. Some of those are quite expensive. And you need one for shabbos and one for work and one well just to have
And that goes on top of the sheitel. Which you need one for shabbos one for work
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amother
Amethyst


 

Post Sun, Dec 23 2018, 10:03 pm
amother wrote:
What is causing chasidish vs litvish hatred.
I live in Lakewood. And more than once I heard a few litvish girls whispering and chanting to themselves " she is chasidish" behind my back...as if they never saw chasidish people in their lives and I'm an intruder.


And I'm litvish and I lived in a Chassidish neighborhood. Are litvish considered Jewish by you at all? Or frum? And yes, they considered me an intruder.
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amother
Lemon


 

Post Sun, Dec 23 2018, 10:06 pm
amother wrote:
What is causing chasidish vs litvish hatred.
I live in Lakewood. And more than once I heard a few litvish girls whispering and chanting to themselves " she is chasidish" behind my back...as if they never saw chasidish people in their lives and I'm an intruder.


Hi. This thread is about the expenses of weddings and all of us parents trying not to drown while preparing our offspring for married life with “everything” they need.
But you do have a point
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creditcards




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Dec 23 2018, 10:30 pm
amother wrote:
Hi. This thread is about the expenses of weddings and all of us parents trying not to drown while preparing our offspring for married life with “everything” they need.
But you do have a point


I see the trend of this hatred in this thread too. The litvish spend on .... How do they have money for that. And the chasidish people spend on ... How do you have money for all that. No we don't spend on that you spend more. It became like 2 different teams.
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sky




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Dec 23 2018, 10:35 pm
I recently went to a linen store for my bedroom. The first set she showed me was $400+ (I didn’t even like it). She was like all the kallah are getting this. I was just think of the poor mother of the bride being told this in front of her daughter. And then they must buy the most drab no color or personality linen that costs a small fortune because everyone else somehow does (plus a few added throw pillows and monogramming- when I didn’t like it she started showing it me with lots of addons). When I didn’t like that they showed me s $600+ set. How is this even normal?
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amother
Lemon


 

Post Sun, Dec 23 2018, 10:42 pm
creditcards wrote:
I see the trend of this hatred in this thread too. The litvish spend on .... How do they have money for that. And the chasidish people spend on ... How do you have money for all that. No we don't spend on that you spend more. It became like 2 different teams.

No just pointing out that every derech has ridiculous amount of spending in different areas
I think we can all agree that there definetly needs to be major scaling down of expectations and spending.
People have to learn to do what is with in their means and what’s good for them
BTW nice avatar. Can I have some of those credit cards to pay my crazy expenses?
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amother
cornflower


 

Post Sun, Dec 23 2018, 10:49 pm
amother wrote:
so your circles are rich. Normal couples aren't doing that


A large part of my circle marries off their children with the support of the community. Their standards are higher. I don't know anyone who is not getting silver.
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creditcards




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Dec 23 2018, 10:53 pm
amother wrote:
No just pointing out that every derech has ridiculous amount of spending in different areas
I think we can all agree that there definetly needs to be major scaling down of expectations and spending.
People have to learn to do what is with in their means and what’s good for them
BTW nice avatar. Can I have some of those credit cards to pay my crazy expenses?


Sure! Here, have some! First come first serve!
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amother
cornflower


 

Post Sun, Dec 23 2018, 10:54 pm
amother wrote:
'

But they're willing to give up their savings for 5 sets of linens, furniture sets that will soon be redundant, chandeliers and the like?


Why will the furniture be redundant? The linens are enough to last decades if my linens are anything to go by. I see new streimals, etc for the father in laws built into the the tzedukah money for the new couple. Let's not forget clothes for the siblings and gifts for the siblings.
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amother
Blush


 

Post Mon, Dec 24 2018, 12:21 am
I dont think anyone would begrudge anyone of fancy things, if eventually it did not come out of the public pocket.

These couples marrying with diamond jewlery and Italian furniture often end up on food stamps 5 years later. I know, I know, the luxuries were gifts - but if the community gifted more practical things, like an investment or gasp, an education, these couples could avoid taking taxpayers' money.
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