Who pays for hotel for Shabbos Bar Mitzvah or Sheva Brochos?

amother

Azure

Fri, Dec 21 2018, 3:45 pm

amother wrote:

Its the second time invited to a simcha in a hotel and the host is not paying for accomodations. Our friends think we are being cheap by not coming.

Nope! you are not cheap! Guests do not pay for accommodations. The host wants you there then they should pay. Of course if you wish to go earlier then the extra days are your responsibility.
Now tickets is another story.

shoshiesavannah

Fri, Dec 21 2018, 3:49 pm

It would never occur to me that anyone should cover my hotel stay, ever. If I’m unable to afford to stay, then I wouldn’t attend. I don’t think it’s the host’s responsibility to only extend invitations to those they can pay for, or who they know to be financially capable of paying a hotel bill.

amother

Azure

Fri, Dec 21 2018, 4:16 pm

shoshiesavannah wrote:

The host chose to make the simcha in a place that is not convenient why should the guest pay? Why is the simcha not local?

shoshiesavannah

Fri, Dec 21 2018, 4:44 pm

amother wrote:

The host chose to make the simcha in a place that is not convenient why should the guest pay? Why is the simcha not local?

Because the host doesn’t HAVE to do anything. If the host wants xyz people there for sure, it would be nice to have it convenient so more can attend. But it shouldn’t be the expectation that the host has to pay for rooms. Guests have the option not to come! And this puts unfair pressure on a host.

amother

Floralwhite

Sat, Dec 22 2018, 12:11 pm

In my circles, people make smachot in hotels over Shabbat and the host pays for the weekend. (Usually just Friday night).

If someone makes a Simcha in their community, the host finds accommodations for anyone they invite.
When I made a bar mitzvah I only invited the number of people who I could get accommodations for.

Meaning, if you’re invited to a Shabbat Simcha, it’s expected that the host is inviting you because you will be put up for Shabbat. Either at a hotel or in someone’s home near the shul. But one night only.
Making a Simcha in a hotel and asking people to pay for their own rooms, when it’s over Shabbat and that’s the only option, is tacky.
If I’m invited to a wedding in a hotel and I choose to stay there overnight, obviously I pay for it because it’s not Shabbat and I can drive home.

chanchy123

Sat, Dec 22 2018, 1:33 pm

In my experience hosts cover the expenses of close family but it is ok to invite friends and not so close family (married cousins for instance) if they pay for their accommodations. The invitation us done in a nice way. People understand that you can't afford for everyone you would like to have, and hosts understand if people can't afford to come.

ra_mom

Sat, Dec 22 2018, 5:43 pm

amother wrote:

Its the second time invited to a simcha in a hotel and the host is not paying for accomodations. Our friends think we are being cheap by not coming.

You don't have to give reasons for not attending. Just say Mazel Tov, thank you so much for the invitation, but we won't be able to attend. Why? It won't work out for us. Us it money? We just can't make it. Lather, rinse repeat.

amother

Tan

Sat, Dec 22 2018, 6:09 pm

DH's sister made her only son's bar mitzvah in a hotel on Shabbos in a far out city that nobody in the family lives in. She put everyone up in a hotel for the whole Shabbos and the guests did not have to pay anything.

Another relative recently made Shabbos sheva brachos in Kibbutz Chofetz Chaim. Since they couldn't afford to bring the whole extended family, they asked that children do not attend, and those who chose to bring them anyway were asked to pay for anyone over age 2. I think everyone was fine with that.

amother

Azure

Sat, Dec 22 2018, 6:50 pm

shoshiesavannah wrote:

A gut voch. I see that different communities have different expectations.
If I make a simcha and expect people to come and join in my simcha then I feel that I should think about making it possible for them to join.

amother

Cobalt

Sat, Dec 22 2018, 7:52 pm

I'll admit - this is a first for me - I've never heard of anyone doing a Shabbat BarMitzvah in a Hotel - especially where nobody is local to the hotel.

Is this common?

What communities are doing these, and why? Is it because a shetible does't have room for a suedah?

(For me - a BarMitzvah is in a shul)

kenz

Sat, Dec 22 2018, 9:05 pm

I think people here are talking about two different situations. One, a bar mitzvah is held out of town where the host lives, and guests may want to attend but will need to stay at a hotel out of necessity. It might be that the seudah is in a room in a hotel because that's what people do use in that community, but the entire bar mitzvah is not really being held in the hotel. The family hosting is sleeping at home, etc., davening in their own shul, whatever. Thus, if a guest can find someone who lives nearby to host them, they don't have to rent a hotel room.
Or option two, it is a hotel bar mitzvah. The host rents a specific number of rooms in a hotel, puts up family and friends he wants to have at his simcha, and the entire simcha is held within that hotel. Davening, seudos, whatever. In that situation, I have never heard of a host requiring guests to pay. If you are making a hotel bar mitzvah (or any simcha) and in order to attend the simcha, the guest needs to stay at the hotel, then the host should be hosting in every sense of the word.
As others have said, if the guest does not necessarily have to stay at the hotel but chooses to do so, it is not on the host.

amother

Bisque

Sat, Dec 22 2018, 9:48 pm

amother wrote:

Never heard of the host paying. We have been invited to many out of town simchas and not put up. The host pays for the simcha and not rooms nor travel.

Same. The hosts usually make an arrangement for a discounted rate at a local hotel and let the guests know.

amother

Azure

Sat, Dec 22 2018, 9:49 pm

kenz wrote:

Now the difference of opinions makes sense

amother

Cobalt

Sat, Dec 22 2018, 9:53 pm

kenz wrote:

Since OP said hosts were "willing to pay for food" I'm basically totally confused as to what this Simcha is, or how its its structured.

chanchy123

Sun, Dec 23 2018, 12:15 am

amother wrote:

In Israel this is very common. If you don't have room to put up all your guests or you can afford to go away and not have to deal with caterers and finding hosts for your guests. It can be cheap hostel accommodations or a yeshiva/ulpana that rents out their campus for shabbatot or a fancy hotel and everything in the middle.
Of course all hotels have a shul and you could easily have a private minyan.

Fox

Sun, Dec 23 2018, 1:05 am

ra_mom wrote:

This business of expecting people to travel for simchas is out of hand.

If you are making a simcha and have a strong desire for particular relatives or friends to attend, you will need to do everything possible for them to do so.

If you are making a simcha and people who would have to travel to attend choose not to, you cannot be offended.

There are lots of reasons people find it difficult to travel. Cost, of course, is one. Age or infirmity is another. My interest and enthusiasm for a lengthy car trip or even a day spent shlepping through an airport is a lot less as I get closer to 60. Having small children or a lot of children also makes it harder. Who goes with you? Who stays behind? Who takes care of those left behind?

Not to mention all the personal issues people may have. One of my dearest friends stopped in briefly at the kabbalas panim for one of my DD's chassunahs; the other, she didn't even bother with that. Of course, part of me was hurt. But I also recognize that she's struggling with her disappointment over her own child's situation, and it was probably just more than she was able to do.

If your family members are pressuring you to attend something you simply cannot do for whatever reason, they are in the wrong.

DrMom

Sun, Dec 23 2018, 1:39 am

I think if the hosts are making a simcha close to their home and just using the hotel ballroom venue to host meals, it is fine to put people up in neighbor's homes.

But if the simcha is 100% at a hotel and all the meals and davening will be at the hotel and the family is staying at the hotel, they are expected to pay for their guests' accommodations.