Nostalgic for Xmas, ugh

amother

Puce

Mon, Dec 24 2018, 7:07 pm

I need some chizuk here from people who've come from where I've come from.

It's Xmas Eve. And this year, like every year, I get wistful and nostalgic about Xmas with my family. I was misgayer 20 years ago! I'm raising a Jewish family and my older kids are teenagers! It's so stupid of me to get hit by nostalgia every year. I miss Xmas Eve services with my family the most. We'd do the 11:00 services that finished at midnight, with the lights down low and everybody singing, and then at the end everybody would light each other's candles. I miss the feeling of total connectedness that I experienced. I felt connected to G-d and connected to my church community and to the world as a whole.

Now that I'm B"H Jewish, I feel connected to Hashem, and connected to Klal Yisroel, but it's not the same. The chiyuvim we have means that I'm constantly failing. I'm always falling short of what I should be doing and who I should be. I never have that feeling of simple joy and connectedness because I'm always feeling guilty for not doing enough. The standards we're supposed to keep are very, very high. I wanted this and I chose it and I'm so grateful for HKBH bringing me into Am Yisroel, but when you stand in a mikveh in front of a beis din and promise to keep the mitzvos, it's a heavy responsibility that my FFB husband doesn't seem to feel the same level of (I don't know what? - maybe duty?) about. I don't know if I'm explaining this in a way that makes sense.

Anyone else come from a religious Xtian background and struggle with nostalgia this time of the year? Any advice?

tryinghard

Mon, Dec 24 2018, 7:18 pm

I can't offer much in terms of your specif question, as I am FFB. However I think you need to take a step back, and speak with a Rav or Rebbetzin or a mentor - or listen to some inspiring haskafa shiurim or something - because you are being waaaay too hard on yourself.

Quote:

The chiyuvim we have means that I'm constantly failing. I'm always falling short of what I should be doing and who I should be. I never have that feeling of simple joy and connectedness because I'm always feeling guilty for not doing enough. The standards we're supposed to keep are very, very high. I wanted this and I chose it and I'm so grateful for HKBH bringing me into Am Yisroel, but when you stand in a mikveh in front of a beis din and promise to keep the mitzvos, it's a heavy responsibility that my FFB husband doesn't seem to feel the same level of (I don't know what? - maybe duty?) about.

This is not how Yiddishkeit is meant to be! Yes, we have high standards, yes we should be pushing ourselves. But that doesn't have to mean being so hard on ourselves.

If a child consistently gets 80s on his tests, and he's making reasonable efforts, and isn't just being lazy or indifferent, wouldn't it upset you to see him continuously berating himself for his grades? Of course you would encourage him to improve on his own individual level - but you wouldn't let him walk around saying, "I should have gotten 100" if he really did study and put in the effort.

Only you can say whether you are trying hard enough. But if you are sincerely trying to be the best you can be, it's not appropriate to be so hard on yourself, and indeed, this is a trick of the yetzer hara!

PinkFridge

Mon, Dec 24 2018, 7:51 pm

amother wrote:

Thank you ladies.

I'm someone who's capable of getting 80's but isn't putting in the effort. I'm overwhelmed by some challenges I'm going through and am letting myself get lazy about things I should be doing. Basic things. I'm maybe getting 40's. Honestly.

I wish you the kochos, the gateways, IRL mentors, everything you need to get back on track.

And I feel for you. It's all well and good to say that we have so much, and so many rich and meaningful pathways to connection to Hashem and family and community (shalosh regalim and beyond, for starters) but completely understandable that there should be trigger times like this.

Maybe what you need to do for the next few days is not only go easy on yourself but pamper yourself, get some humor and enjoyable activities in your life. And do daven and do what you should be doing, even if you can't give it your all, don't neglect that. But don't be hard on yourself.

As I said somewhere else, something I heard from a very wise lady (I wish I knew her source, I'll have to ask her) when we do something big spiritually, we need to reward our guf. It could be anything from a good chocolate bar to a pair of shoes to a massage to who knows what. Just something to let the guf know that for being shlepped along by the neshama for this ride, there will be perks.

simcha2

Mon, Dec 24 2018, 7:56 pm

Why wouldn't you miss something fun and meaningful to you?

I think it's ok to embrace the feeling of something lost, even as you embrace something else.

I haven't had a cigarette in 20+ years. I was never addicted, but enjoyed the feeling and that time in my life (young, single, no real responsibilities). Sometimes I get a whiff of someone's cigarette as they walk by and I'm overcome by nostalgia and longing, even though I have no desire to return to that stage of my life (or to smoking, it stinks).

amother

Peach

Mon, Dec 24 2018, 8:16 pm

I actually have a few friends in similar positions to yours. One thing that did help one of them- as we were speaking this year, was really connecting to chanuka. It’s an easy feel good yt that has so much to offer, start family and friend traditions, fall in love with the songs etc.

And don’t feel guilty for missing the good parts. It’s so totally normal and relatable.

amother

Emerald

Mon, Dec 24 2018, 8:43 pm

amother wrote:

Just wondering why did you convert if you had such strong feelings for your previous religion?

amother

Gold

Mon, Dec 24 2018, 9:04 pm

amother wrote:

Just wondering why did you convert if you had such strong feelings for your previous religion?

not the op, but another giyores here so wanted to share my experience. xmas is the one spiritual, nostalgic day of the year for non jews. as a non jew, it is the 1 day of thinking of others, feeding the hungry, family get togethers, yummy meals, sharing gifts etc. but in my experience the rest of the year and even xmas itself is pretty much devoid of G-d or connecting to Him. xmas has been built up by the gift industry as well as the many xmas songs, movies, books, never ending displays in stores, rockafeller center, radio city music hall, coca cola (santa claus), and so much more. I am so thankful to be jewish and raising a frum family. baruch hashem. but the concept of baking cookies and sipping eggnog or enjoying little appetizers and opening gifts xmas eve with visiting relatives just sounds so picture perfect, although so largely removed from the original "meaning of xmas" which is the birth of JC, supposedly. so for me the holiday memories and nostagia have 0 to do with the false religion I gave up.

amother

Ginger

Mon, Dec 24 2018, 9:39 pm

amother wrote:

I’m ffb and all the movies do make it same so magical. All the lights, colors, gold silver sparkles makes me a little jealous and sad that I can’t be part of it.

Pooh

Mon, Dec 24 2018, 9:48 pm

Many Instagram posts are expressing just the opposite, lots of family drama and need for liquor to get through the holidays. Seems like ppl can’t be with their families for too long without judgement and chaos. It’s probably meant in jest but I can’t help but assume it’s all based on the truth of many families. On one hand It seems like it wasn’t so for ur family so that’s nice. But then again u were little and it was all magical. I can just imagine that it may be sort of the case now that you’re grown up (and if they disagree with your life choices) then I would think that at least u don’t have to deal with that.

@fromthebottomofmypurse How to survive the next few days with your family

https://www.instagram.com/p/Br.....cy2kh

Pls ignore if this offends u at all. I mean to just make u feel better by pointing out a different side of things

JustHavingFun

Mon, Dec 24 2018, 10:03 pm

Hugs to the OP.

I'm a BT for more than 30 years. I grew up in a secular Jewish family. I was the one who went to friends' homes and decorated their trees. My parents taught me that singing holiday carols was ok because you can enjoy the music. I was even chosen among all girls in my high school chorus to have a special solo during the winter program -- a non-Jewish holiday song, and one of the not-secular ones!

I'm nostalgic for the music, going caroling, and yes, singing Handel's Messiah in many choirs! That's OK; it's part of me. I choose not to do it today because it doesn't match my life; it's not part of my values any more. But just as I grew from a toddler to a teen, then a woman, so have I grown in my spiritual observance. Looking back at where I was only reminds me of the kindness Hashem showed me when I turned my attention to Him and became a Torah observer.

Coming from one culture into another doesn't mean you have to lose the good parts of who you were. It's OK to miss the emotional connection of your youth. When we commit to a new lifestyle, we still have feelings and memories. Not that we should dwell in the past, but we can kiss it goodbye and pull out the photos to look back once in a while. But now is the time to make new emotional connections in addition to what you grew up on, and not instead of them. We don't have to regret the past or put a lock on it. Look how far we've come! Look how brightly the road ahead glows!!

I agree with other commentators: you're being so hard on yourself. Yiddishkeit is a continuum. You do your best and pray for growth. Psalm 100:2 says Ivdu es Hashem b'simcha - (Be a servant to) Serve Hashem with simcha. R' Noah Weinberg zt"l said it is our duty to have joy as Jews. Joy doesn't come when you're constantly holding yourself against a measuring stick. Whose measuring stick is it anyway?[b]

amother

Jade

Mon, Dec 24 2018, 10:20 pm

OP, thank you for sharing this. I'm sure it was difficult to do. You sound like a spiritual and Gdly person even before you were mitgayer. I know it is a personal journey for you, but special people like you infuse Judaism with new spiritual heights, like Ruth and Rachav.

Though ffb, I struggle with the expectations set for me as a orthodox/ frum person who strives to live with Gd in my life through Torah. I take it day by day. I was so grateful when a friend explained the modeh ani phrase of "rabba emunatecha" as how great is your faith in me, Gd. Gd believes in me, and gave me a chance today. He knows I'm not perfect, but I ask Him to help me because if He has faith in me, I must be valuable even in my imperfect state. Not sure if this helps, but to me, Gd is full of lovingkindness and compassion.
Hug

amother

Puce

Mon, Dec 24 2018, 10:28 pm

Thanks for your thoughts, everyone.

My parents are religious Xtians and our Xmas wasn't the commercialized semi-secular holiday a lot of people celebrate. It was deeply religious. Our religion was something that was part of every day, not a once-a-year thing like mentioned upthread, but Xmas was extra special. I wouldn't mind if I were missing things like cookies and presents but I do feel upset with myself for missing the religious feelings of the holiday. Yuck.

To the person who asked - I had been in the process of becoming a minister, but while doing so I took a course on church history and discovered that the religion was man-made. It was pretty traumatic. My classmates didn't seem to see the obvious, but all the source texts we were reading clearly showed this. So I spent a couple of years digging into historical records and determining that in fact Yiddishkeit is true and everything else is man-made. So here I am.

amother

Papaya

Mon, Dec 24 2018, 10:54 pm

OP, I’m ffb so I’m sure there’s a lot you’re feeling that I’ll never understand but I had to let you know how deeply touched I was by everything you wrote. It’s the first time I’ve wished I could meet another amother in real life. The only thing you wrote that bothered me was that you think you’re scoring a 40. What? Sorry. Makes no sense. This isn’t high school. Yes we believe in reward and punishment and we know we’re judged according to our spiritual accomplishments, but for us to figure out exactly where we stand gets very complicated. No human being has ever or will ever be able to perform all 613 mitzvos. Each of us have our own lives and our own set of challenges. Please don’t be hard on yourself. We always talk about being dan lekaf zchus. That applies when you’re judging yourself too.

amother

Ivory

Mon, Dec 24 2018, 11:46 pm

Don't say ugh. Everything you listed shows your love of G-d spirituality family giving and all around goodness and connectedness. None of which is not admirable and desirable. You happen to miss it at the time that you experienced it the most. Your children some of who will be like their mother in nature will connect it to the memories of childhood you are creating for them. Besides, everything looks slightly different from a childs point of view. You are okay. It is okay to feel the way you feel. You are awfully hard on yourself. Life is about the journey, the road you are travelling up, not the final destination.

Israeli_C

Mon, Dec 24 2018, 11:48 pm

I grew up in a religious Catholic family and can really relate to the OP (although I'm not nostalgic about the Church services- I always hated going and Xmas was no exception). The fondest memories of my childhood are of waking up at the crack of dawn on Xmas day, racing to wake up my big brother and thundering down the stairs to see what Santa bought us. The smell of cinnamon flavoured candles burning. The music. Family all around the table and playing games and telling stories late into the night. Now I'm living in Israel, my brother no longer talks to me since my conversion and I don't know how to feel anymore. 5 years have gone by since I was 'home' for Xmas. Actually, my first Xmas in Israel was my wedding day. It's ok to feel pangs of loss and nostalgia. But at the end of the day I see the family I have made here in Israel and know that my relationship with Hashem is much more real and meaningful than any tinsel streamed Xmas tree