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Forum
-> Parenting our children
-> Teenagers and Older children
amother
Silver
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Tue, Jan 01 2019, 2:42 pm
You know how people say don't get a smartphone coz it can be used for evil? And they say the yh and yetzer hatov is equal in people? So what do u do when every time shabbos comes in u have major major problems with your kids? Rudeness. Cuss words at the shabbos table. Even throwing stuff. At least one of them completely loses to every Friday night. We've talked about how it's yh getting strong because of kiddushas shabbos etc but I don't know how to turn it around.
Sometimes I feel like I should stop the house from keeping shabbos because of the negativity it brings, in the same way that people ban smart phones because of the potential negative things they bring. Obviously one cannot do this. Attempts to involve kids more in shabbos prep (so they own it more) have not been successful. I now dread Friday nights.
Can anyone help?
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flowerpower
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Tue, Jan 01 2019, 3:04 pm
Why do they only act out on Shabbos???? Maybe you can work on making Shabbos enjoyable and fun. After the meal play a game together while putting out some fun food like pomegranite, tangerines, and fresh popcorn. Let them help you prepare good food for Shabbos like a cake or cookies they like. Buy reading materials that they may enjoy and put it away for Shabbos.
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amother
Pearl
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Tue, Jan 01 2019, 3:25 pm
Things we tried
I purchased really good parve chocolate and gave it during the meal for helping, zemiros and dvar Torah. It worked for a bit.
Now with my teen we have this rule. She has to stay at both meals and behave, otherwise she can't go out motsei shabbos or Sunday with friends. It works bh.
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salt
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Thu, Jan 03 2019, 12:11 am
If it's older kids (teens) I'd have a 'family meeting' - mid-week nowhere near shabbos, and have a discussion - how can we make shabbos more enjoyable? Let them come up with solutions.
How are your kids when it's not shabbos? What is it about shabbos that makes them blow up?
Another thing that I notice at our home is when we have guests, my kids play up less. We often have guests. Sometimes I feel like a shabbos without guests, and then I regret it. Either they're grumpy, or they get silly and giggly, but either way, with guests they're much better behaved.
Invite some people in need of a shabbos meal, singles, young couples, single mom.
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imasoftov
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Thu, Jan 03 2019, 1:32 am
amother wrote: | You know how people say don't get a smartphone coz it can be used for evil? And they say the yh and yetzer hatov is equal in people? |
Yes, but I just repost their nonsense on Facebook. But who says the yetzarim are equal?
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amother
Silver
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Thu, Jan 03 2019, 1:50 am
imasoftov wrote: | Yes, but I just repost their nonsense on Facebook. But who says the yetzarim are equal? |
I thought it was a "thing" the they are equal. Is that incorrect?
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salt
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Thu, Jan 03 2019, 1:59 am
amother wrote: | I thought it was a "thing" the they are equal. Is that incorrect? |
I've personally never heard that myself. But 'things' have sources. She just wants to know if you know the source. Who said that 'thing'.
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imasoftov
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Thu, Jan 03 2019, 2:07 am
salt wrote: | I've personally never heard that myself. But 'things' have sources. She just wants to know if you know the source. Who said that 'thing'. |
This.
Although the Gemara does say a number of times "as people say" (דאמרי אינשי). But then what makes it noteworthy is that the Gemara quoted it, not that people used to say it.
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amother
Ecru
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Thu, Jan 03 2019, 3:50 am
Shabbos involves a lot of unstructured time. Sometimes kids, even older ones, act out when they don't have a schedule.
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imasinger
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Thu, Jan 03 2019, 4:00 am
Let's leave aside the relative strengths of the y"h and y"t, and look at this question logically.
OP, you say that you are fighting an inclination to compare Shabbos to smartphones.
Because everyone says smartphones lead to bad things (especially with kids), and in your home, Shabbos prep and Shabbos itself lead your kids to bad behavior.
But there is a flaw to that train of thought.
If someone is addicted to screens, and you remove their screens, after a period of readjusting, they are better off.
But if you removed Shabbos from your life, what guarantees would you have that your kids would no longer use bad language, throw things, or do anything else inappropriate when they got annoyed?
I almost always use words like "maybe" or "probably" when thinking about reasons for things on the board, but I'll go out on a limb here.
Shabbos is not the problem.
The two likely problems are 1) whatever conflict they have with your expectations and style; and 2) their own anger issues.
The second is more important, since it applies to all of life. Are the exploders getting psychological help? Do you have clarity as to what's going on? Do they?
If not, please make this a focus of your life. That level of stress in the home is bad for all.
As to the first, if you would explain what Shabbos prep and Shabbos observance look like in your home, maybe we can offer pointers. Maybe there is more pressure than needed? Or less of interest? If you have someone who's fascinated with, say, watching sports, and is resenting being cut off from games for 25 hours, a favorite food isn't gonna make things better. Look at and address the actual points of friction. That act of caring may go a long way, even if the first solution or two isn't effective.
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