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She didn't say thank you
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amother
Indigo


 

Post Wed, Jan 02 2019, 3:42 pm
amother wrote:
Maybe when they return something borrowed, because of ribbis.
But not for a gift!


They say thank you for nothing. If I do a favor, they won't say thank you. They took the time to explain why they won't say thank you. They said it doesn't mean they don't appreciate what I do. I don't shake hands with men. We all have our comfort level, and I won't judge. Maybe their rabbi told them they aren't to say thank you.
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amother
Slategray


 

Post Wed, Jan 02 2019, 3:49 pm
amother wrote:
They say thank you for nothing. If I do a favor, they won't say thank you. They took the time to explain why they won't say thank you. They said it doesn't mean they don't appreciate what I do. I don't shake hands with men. We all have our comfort level, and I won't judge. Maybe their rabbi told them they aren't to say thank you.


I'm really curious as to what it does mean. If they took the time to explain it to you, would you able to explain it to me?
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Fox




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 02 2019, 4:24 pm
amother wrote:
When I first gave her the envelope and told her it's a late chanuka gift, she said that a gift wasn't expected at all and that was all she said.

I can certainly see why you would feel odd about her response, but I think I would choose to let this go. It's possible she was distracted or thinking about other things, or when she said, "Oh, I wasn't expecting this," she was implying that she was grateful for the gift even though she didn't use the words "thank you."

Yes, she should have explicitly thanked you, but if she's otherwise a polite and sensitive person, I wouldn't hold this against her. Most of us have done things like this at one time or another.
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trixx




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 02 2019, 4:30 pm
Maybe she thinks that it would be weird for her to thank you for your thank you - when does it end? Obviously she got it, because you handed it to her and she acknowledged it. Great manners would have her mentioning how touching the letter was. But it was clearly a letter of thanks so again, is she supposed to thank you for that thank you?
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Simple1




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 02 2019, 4:35 pm
trixx wrote:
Maybe she thinks that it would be weird for her to thank you for your thank you - when does it end? Obviously she got it, because you handed it to her and she acknowledged it. Great manners would have her mentioning how touching the letter was. But it was clearly a letter of thanks so again, is she supposed to thank you for that thank you?


I heard this before and never understood it. It's a thank you for the gift. Not for the thank you.

While I agree she should have said or written a thank you, people are human and make mistakes. So when I don't get a thank you, I try to let it go.
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amother
Silver


 

Post Wed, Jan 02 2019, 4:58 pm
Simple1 wrote:
I heard this before and never understood it. It's a thank you for the gift. Not for the thank you.

While I agree she should have said or written a thank you, people are human and make mistakes. So when I don't get a thank you, I try to let it go.


But isn't the gift a thank-you?
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Simple1




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 02 2019, 5:22 pm
amother wrote:
But isn't the gift a thank-you?


No. A gift means the person went out of their way to choose something presentable, pay for it, write a note etc. And in any case, a thank you is acknowledged - with "you're welcome" or "my pleasure".
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amother
Indigo


 

Post Wed, Jan 02 2019, 5:38 pm
amother wrote:
I'm really curious as to what it does mean. If they took the time to explain it to you, would you able to explain it to me?


I hope I can explain it properly. I understood it when they explained it. The act of doing a service is the mitzvah which gives a reward after 120. If I receive a thank you, then I am getting pleasure now which takes away from my later reward.

There is some truth in that thanks yous and acknowledgments for doing favors are enjoyed.

I also want to add that they are the nicest neighbors.
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amother
Silver


 

Post Wed, Jan 02 2019, 5:43 pm
Simple1 wrote:
No. A gift means the person went out of their way to choose something presentable, pay for it, write a note etc. And in any case, a thank you is acknowledged - with "you're welcome" or "my pleasure".


I agree. I would change the subject to "she didn't say you're welcome".

(insert moana song here... which I really like, and wish someone could make a kosher version).
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amother
Peach


 

Post Wed, Jan 02 2019, 7:05 pm
Of course the right thing is to say "thank you", but it is wrong to expect that "thank you".

You gave her the gift because you wanted to give her something, expecting something (the thank you) in return, is not right.

When I give a gift, I never keep track if the person said "thank you". I know I tried my very best to give an appropriate gift and that's where it ends.. If they say "thank you", it doesn't mean she really appreciates it more than the person who didn't say "thank you".
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amother
Azure


 

Post Wed, Jan 02 2019, 7:14 pm
I don’t know if my babysitter said thank you either. Do you write a thank you note when your boss gives you a bonus?
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amother
Chocolate


 

Post Wed, Jan 02 2019, 7:17 pm
Since you brought up the subject I will vent here
Due to circumstance at work a few employees got bonus of up to five thousand dollars.
Not one of them said thank you to any of their supervisors.
I wish we can take back these bonuses as there was no hakoras Tov from any of them !
Thank you for letting me vent.
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thunderstorm




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 02 2019, 7:21 pm
amother wrote:
I don’t know if my babysitter said thank you either. Do you write a thank you note when your boss gives you a bonus?

I always do
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amother
Oak


 

Post Wed, Jan 02 2019, 7:45 pm
You may still get a thank you - perhaps she has had a lot going on in her life.

Or perhaps she sent one and it was lost in the mail.

In my neighborhood the mailboxes get raided often, so if you care about your mail, you bring it straight to the post office - sometimes it takes a few extra days for me to get some mail out.

Just giving different possible scenarios.
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imasoftov




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Jan 02 2019, 11:46 pm
amother wrote:
Since you brought up the subject I will vent here
Due to circumstance at work a few employees got bonus of up to five thousand dollars.
Not one of them said thank you to any of their supervisors.
I wish we can take back these bonuses as there was no hakoras Tov from any of them !
Thank you for letting me vent.

This is some excellent Poe's Law. I have no idea if you're serious or making fun, and nothing you say could convince me either way.
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amother
Scarlet


 

Post Thu, Jan 03 2019, 3:49 am
Am I doing something wrong? I host many people every shabbos and they often bring me a gift - flowers, wine, chocolate. I usually thank them at the time, but I may miss out on doing so (being preoccupied with serving a meal to so many people) and I certainly don't send them thank you cards or texts afterwards. In my mind that type of gift is a contribution to the meal, not a personal gift to me.

I do thank my employer when they send me a gift every rosh hashana.
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Ruchel




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 03 2019, 4:57 am
I'd stare, showing I expect something.
If she won't thank me and hides behind a rabbi, next time I'm not giving.
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dankbar




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 03 2019, 9:19 am
Some people are uncomfortable accepting gifts & if she knows your financial situation then she might feel awkward that you're paying her bonus besides for her work.

I gave some nice gifts for simchas for people that helped me....somehow I didn't get that big "thank you" I expected. Looks like these people felt like it was role reversal....like I am the one that is helping you now & not other way around.

Also when I send gifts thanking them for their help, they feel like "cone on, I didn't do the chesed for a gift"

Some might not articulate the thanks, & even if they dont need the gift I'm sending....I know at end of the day, that people like to be appreciated, even if they didnt do it for the gift.

Somehow it makes me feel better if I show hakaris hatov than accepting help from others & not being able to reciprocate.
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greenfire




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 03 2019, 9:37 am
another vote for not expected was akin to a 'thank you' ... after all you gave it to her in her hand & you had an exchange of words
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amother
Bisque


 

Post Thu, Jan 03 2019, 10:20 am
A few days ago? That's not a long time at all. I write detailed thank you notes for everything I receive (or people do for me), so if I get several things at once, it can take a month to get everything sent out. Especially if it involved gifts for my kids and I needed to be on top of them to make sure they wrote something nice as well.

It's happened before that within less than a week of receiving a gift, I was contacted and told: "Did you get my gift? I didn't hear anything from you" etc, and that has made me feel bad/awkward because when I send the card (which I was going to do anyway!), to me it must seem like I only sent it because of the phone call, which I hate. So I really would prefer if people left me alone and let me write something really nice at my own pace.

In my circles, which are largely non Jewish/not religious, thank yous are not a big thing at all, unless we're talking about the 75+ demographic. Peers either thank upon receipt or send a quick text or nothing at all, and that's considered normal. People have told me that I make them feel guilty because of the cards I write. That's what I was brought up to do, but I am totally happy to write long thank you cards and not get any from other people. B"H my life is busy enough that I don't keep track of things I've given and if or how people responded to it.
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