Guests wanting you to babysit -WWYD

Orchid

Sun, Jan 06 2019, 9:59 pm

amother wrote:

Because some people would be more than happy to do it. Thats why its okay.

If you think about it - its all about how you ask, how you frame it. Its all in the delivery.

Like: Mrs. A - thank-you so much for agreeing to host X family. I'm trying to help them out with childcare logistics. I bet you aren't all that interested in extending yourself on that.. its a toodler and newborn... Right, okay - next question, are you okay with a sitter at your home?

Is that awful?

It's awful to those people in the world, of which there are a great many, who have a hard time saying no. You are probably not one of those, but rest assured it is a real problem for those so afflicted.

gilamom

Sun, Jan 06 2019, 10:18 pm

I don't agree with those that say there's no harm in asking, I think they obviously knew it was chutzpadik to ask and that's why they had the MIL ask the DH instead of asking the hostess directly when she's the one who'll be watching the kids.

WhatFor

Sun, Jan 06 2019, 10:21 pm

amother wrote:

News flash: if a stranger is more than happy to watch your kids, keep your kids far away from them.

I'm sure your kids are adorable but no normal stranger wants to spend their shabbos watching your infant and toddler. Under special conditions (sick parent, emergency, etc) a normal stranger might agree to do the mitzvah but you should understand that you are asking them a big favor and should be deeply appreciative.

A person who appreciates what a favor it is doesn't go around asking strangers to do it just so that they can avoid a babysitter and have an easier time attending a simcha.

amother

Green

Sun, Jan 06 2019, 10:32 pm

Unfortunately, there are people in this world who think they are G-d's gift to the planet and that anyone would be thrilled to do things for them. I have found that this mentality is usually brought about because they are used to getting everything they ask for starting with their parents who from a young age, treat them as their equals. And if they run up against someone who does not initially give them what they want, they will sulk and pout until they have created such an uncomfortable situation that in the end, they "win" and get what they were after.

amother

White

Sun, Jan 06 2019, 10:34 pm

amother wrote:

But you didn't ask them to watch the kids in your scenario. You asked if the host was ok with a sitter in her home. That's whole different question.

amother

Cerulean

Sun, Jan 06 2019, 10:37 pm

WhatFor wrote:

I don't have an infant and toddler. I very much wish right now that I had an infant and toddler.

Not having an issue doing babysitting for an out of town guest for someone, doesn't make me creep.

amother

Dodgerblue

Sun, Jan 06 2019, 10:51 pm

amother wrote:

But you didn't ask them to watch the kids in your scenario. You asked if the host was ok with a sitter in her home. That's whole different question.

It DID give the host room to offer if they wanted to, which is the only appropriate way to handle such a scenario.

Too big of a favor to ask > leave room for them to offer > revert to your backup plan if no offer is forthcoming. Don't make them say no. Give room for THEM to come up with a yes, if not assume a no.

amother

Cerulean

Sun, Jan 06 2019, 10:57 pm

amother wrote:

Thanks. I like how you reformulated that.

amother

White

Sun, Jan 06 2019, 11:45 pm

amother wrote:

Your post was in response to mine about why ot was ok to ask.

amother wrote:

Again, you didn't ask. As you said, you left room for the host to offer. It is non-responsive to my original question of why it is ok to make people uncomfortable.

WhatFor

Sun, Jan 06 2019, 11:46 pm

amother wrote:

I don't have an infant and toddler. I very much wish right now that I had an infant and toddler.

Not having an issue doing babysitting for an out of town guest for someone, doesn't make me creep.

You started out saying some people would be "more than happy to" and when I pointed out that it would be creepy to feel that way about stranger's kids, you changed it to "not having an issue with".

I don't have an infant or toddler either, and even if I wished I did does not mean that I want to spend shabbos babysitting a stranger's babies. I hope nobody gets the idea that because I don't have that they're doing me a favor by offering me to babysit their kids.

Maybe you'd be more than happy to stay in and watch a stranger's kids and that's great. Most people would be inconvenienced by such a request and that's why it's inappropriate to ask such a thing from a stranger.

mom39

Sun, Jan 06 2019, 11:47 pm

I didn't read all the other posts but a toddler might scream a whole Friday night, Shabbos morning and sholosh seudos if he doesn't know you! If the infant is good, that is easier, but maybe the baby is colicky....then you'll have 2 screaming kids!
I'd do it for a good friend or family member but not for a stranger. Sorry.
Tell the hosts you'll gladly host another family without little kids if it's an issue. They can then ask another neighbor to do it.(maybe they did already and they all said no!)

amother

Cerulean

Sun, Jan 06 2019, 11:57 pm

WhatFor wrote:

It really was never about me. You made it about me.

You made a universal statement that outside of emergency nobody wants to look after children, and if they do - they aren't normal (and suggested that as cute as my kids are nobody wants to take care of them).

I'm just saying - I disagree with your universal statements.

Seems like basically - you are either a (insert bad word) for asking or a (insert bad word) for saying no (because otherwise, people would feel more comfortable to just say no).

I disagree with that. I get that I am the minority.

I was raised with - you don't know if you don't ask. Just ask in a way that doesn't put a person on the spot, backed into a corner, feeling guilty or worse if they don't want to do it.

amother

Cerulean

Mon, Jan 07 2019, 12:09 am

amother wrote:

But you didn't ask them to watch the kids in your scenario. You asked if the host was ok with a sitter in her home. That's whole different question.

You are right. Rather than straight out asking "can you watch the kids" this example rephrased and said "I assume you don't want to watch the kids".... at this point the person would pause and wait for validation, or objection to that statement.

The objective is the same - to feel out if the host is interested in watching the kids.

It just feels better. I thought. Maybe not.

I know in my life - forget babysitting for a moment - there are definitely times where I would forget to offer, but would be happy to do if asked. It's something I'm working on.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Jan 07 2019, 6:21 am

mom39 wrote:

This happened to me when I let a woman stay with me, and she brought her infant and toddler. I offered to watch her kids, because I knew that she was a single mom and really needed a break.

Her sweet little babies, who were asleep at the time, woke up the minute mom's car pulled out of the driveway. The baby started screaming, which woke up the toddler, and then she started screaming too. Mom stayed out until the wee hours of the morning, and the kids screamed all night long until they passed out from pure exhaustion around 3am. She got home, the kids were asleep, and said "I'm glad they didn't give you any trouble!"

Banging head

boots

Mon, Jan 07 2019, 7:54 am

amother wrote:

Still not acceptable. You are asking-without-asking for something that you don't need from someone who is not your friend or relative.

Mrs. A - thank-you so much for agreeing to host X family. I'm trying to help them out with purchasing brand new matching outfits for their family of 6 girls. I'd bet you don't want to donate $500 to the cause.<pause> Right, okay on to the next question...

Orchid

Mon, Jan 07 2019, 9:30 am

boots wrote:

Oooh, this is great.
The way this poster rephrased the question to make it easier for the host to say no still only works if it's an acceptable -ie within normal boundaries- question to begin with. Just like you'd never ask the host to financially contribute $500, no matter how you phrase the request and give her room to say no, you would also never ask a total stranger who is already doing you a favor by making beds and such for a stranger-family to babysit the stranger's babies throughout Shabbos.

amother

Cerulean

Mon, Jan 07 2019, 9:47 am

Orchid wrote:

Your norms and my norms - are different norms. :-)

This is Hachnasat Orchim. I interpret broadly.

asmileaday

Mon, Jan 07 2019, 10:00 am

amother wrote:

We were asked to host a couple with their kids for simcha. The MIL asked my husband if I can babysit their newborn and toddler so they don’t have to hire a babysitter. So basically Firday night, Shabbos morning till after lunch I would have to babysit and not sure about Sholosh Seudos. There is no eiruv. WWYD

This thread is long and I only got through a little bit. So I'll respond to the OP and also to some comments I read.
1- if they aren't friends or relatives and the MIL that's asking isn't any of those either then it's a bit of an inappropriate request. Otherwise, she can ask and you can say no.
2- it's a very hard favor to commit to and if you know you're not up to it, say no.
Personally if it's not good friends or family I'd say no. Shabbos is my time to relax. For a sister I'll do it. But not just any stranger.
3- it's interesting that some see asking the DH instead of you as obnoxious. I sometimes do it with a family friend. I ask DH to ask his friend to ask his wife. I feel that she'll feel more comfortable giving an honest answer to her husband than if I'd ask directly. (Our families are friends but I'm not really close to her.)