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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Feel ill when dd calls from seminary
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amother
Bisque


 

Post Sun, Jan 06 2019, 9:04 pm
dd is having a hard time adjusting to seminary life- she has made friends and has been enjoying classes (not enjoying finals) and I am so impressed that she has navigated the whole bus system, money system etc. She used to be afraid of everything when she was at home- she is doing great in that respect, but every time she calls she tells me, she wishes it the year were over, or she needs break.. why you may ask if it all sounds so good. I think the actual dorm life is driving her nuts. She is a type A personality, and very yekkie. likes things neat, if you say you are going to do something then do it, don't leave your dishes sitting for days in the sink, dry them before putting them away cuz things getting moldy and the room smells, pick up your trash if you miss the garbage. if you don't have something nice to say don't say it, think about other people's feelings before you just assume, don't take things that are not yours and then ruin them, don't keep others waiting, respond to texts if you asked someone to do you a favor and they have a question... you get the point.... We are going to visit for winter break and I am so worried she will say can I come home with you... there is nothing at home, except for the saftey of her bedroom and not dealing with other people's shtus, but this step of seminary and stretching the umbilical cord (I know it was cut, but somehow it grew back) is so important for development.. we usual speak once a week, but sometimes she calls cuz she just wants to talk. When she was home, it was easy to just talk, but her nighttime is my middle of the day and I have things to do and not 45 minutes to listen to her complain- which she needs to do I get it, but it makes me feel so sad for her that she can't loosen up a bit, its now become like pavlov's dogs, I see her number and my stomach becomes one big knot..
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amother
Aquamarine


 

Post Sun, Jan 06 2019, 9:05 pm
May I ask what's the point of forcing a child to stay in sem if they're not happy there and want to come home? Sem is not a must like school.
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amother
Bisque


 

Post Sun, Jan 06 2019, 9:11 pm
amother wrote:
May I ask what's the point of forcing a child to stay in sem if they're not happy there and want to come home? Sem is not a must like school.

Good question- it seems from what she is saying she wants to come because its easier not to have to deal with people's annoying habits, but that is escapism, and wouldn't we all like to hide under the covers to avoid life's annoyances... She has friends, is learning tons, figured out the system, but I think has too high of an expectation from the world around her. I think if she were miserable because she had no friends, was afraid to go out or do anything, not enjoying the learning, then absolutely, we would bring her home...
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amother
Chartreuse


 

Post Sun, Jan 06 2019, 9:35 pm
Have you sympathized with her AND also explained to her why you think it's a good thing to be stretching herself this way, just for this year? Maybe if she recognizes what she stands to gain she'll be less resistant.
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amother
Bisque


 

Post Sun, Jan 06 2019, 10:14 pm
amother wrote:
Have you sympathized with her AND also explained to her why you think it's a good thing to be stretching herself this way, just for this year? Maybe if she recognizes what she stands to gain she'll be less resistant.

I think she totally gets that and yes, we have discussed it..its just hard ... I see that in myself, avoiding things because it takes me out of my comfort zone, but I have missed out on so much and she knows that and I guess that's why she does push herself. its interesting she only talks this way to me and not dh. I have always been her go to vent person- which is wonderful and we have a very special relationship, maybe its just wearing me down. DH always hears the positive and I get the negative...
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amother
Blonde


 

Post Sun, Jan 06 2019, 10:26 pm
amother wrote:
Good question- it seems from what she is saying she wants to come because its easier not to have to deal with people's annoying habits, but that is escapism, and wouldn't we all like to hide under the covers to avoid life's annoyances... She has friends, is learning tons, figured out the system, but I think has too high of an expectation from the world around her. I think if she were miserable because she had no friends, was afraid to go out or do anything, not enjoying the learning, then absolutely, we would bring her home...


Have you told her the bolded?

Therapy?

Can you tell her this. You are feeling frustrated because you think everyone is doing something 'wrong'. Is it possible to rejig the thinking a bit - is it really 'wrong' or just not what you are expecting...... and so on....
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oneofakind




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jan 06 2019, 10:29 pm
Does she have a teacher or counselor at the sem. she can talk to? Could she use a therapist for some support?
It's much harder for a mother to hear this stuff from far away. You may have to put a limit on hearing this and a commitment that she will not come home with you after you visit.
This whole thing is great practice for marriage. She needs to work on her anxiety and perfectionism.
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amother
Denim


 

Post Sun, Jan 06 2019, 10:51 pm
I totally sympathize, but I think 1. You have to continue to hold your ground. These are very valuable life lessons your daughter needs to be a functioning human being. 2. Tell her. Tell her that you love her and care about her and are there for her and that is why you spent all of this money to give her this opportunity, but you absolutely cannot listen to 45 minutes of complaining every time she calls. She needs to buck up. Tell her that she has 5 minutes to vent, and the rest has to be positive. Her harping on all of the issues she is having with the other girls and then venting them over to you just exacerbates the situation. She needs to understand that you can't control others, just yourself. She needs to control how she allows others to affect her. She needs to change her expectations. She needs to learn a coping mechanism other than futile whining. Try to empower her to deal with this challenge.

Life is full of obnoxious people that will ruin your life if you let them. Gotta learn to have the right expectations and the skills to not rely on those that cannot be relied on.

Good luck!

The good news is, I'm pretty sure the airline would consider her too old to be a lap child on your return flight. However, if you do relent and bring her back, it might be appropriate.
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anonymrs




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jan 06 2019, 10:53 pm
Did I read that correctly that you usually speak once a week? Just curious what the norm is to speak to parents while in sem?
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amother
Powderblue


 

Post Sun, Jan 06 2019, 11:19 pm
Hey I feel for you but also I think once a week is a lot less then most girls speak to their mothers I worked in seminary for years
Maybe if you spoke more often and she felt more connected she wouldn't only complain I really think once a week is not often enough for most girls
Why don't you try speaking more often Making it more light and see if she complains less
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amother
Goldenrod


 

Post Mon, Jan 07 2019, 1:53 am
Hey my eldest is at sem and happy bh. We speak 2 times a wk about but msg more frequently. Whrn there are issues I listen but dont advice. I encourage her to talk to someone there.
1. People there are experienced dealing with sem issues
2. I'm far away to help her
3. It's good for her to reach out to others- not mom mom mom all the time.

She did arrange to meet with a teacher she really liked about quite a big problem she was having and the woman has been great bh.

Wonder if this approach helps with you and your daughter.
Ps I totally agree she needs to experience "life" and the interactions it brings.
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mochamix18




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 07 2019, 4:59 am
Learning to live with others is really hard. I had difficult roommate situations throughout my single years. But to echo what others are saying it is a life skill and also perhaps speaking more than once a week would make her feel more secure. While not related, she’s welcome to come to us for a Shabbos if she needs to get away (we’re in Gilo (southern tip of Yerushayim) )
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amother
Dodgerblue


 

Post Mon, Jan 07 2019, 5:18 am
I work in a seminary and I get emails from parents frantic that their daughter seems hopeless and must start therapy asap! I of course pull that girl in immediately and talk to her about how everything is going etc. More often then not after a half hour of serious probing I am forced to say "I got an email blah blah blah" and they laugh and say oh I was having a moment Mrs. blank. Don't worry. I am totally fine as they hop off to the next class not looking back LOL . Moms often hear the worst. I would encourage her to keep a thankfullness journal start with 5 things in the morning and 5 at night. After a week up it to 10. Then whenever you talk to her ask her to pick her favorites and tell you all about why she wrote that particular one. For personal growth talking once a week is great but many girls are talking to family everyday. so maybe ask her how often she would like to speak and see if you can make it work.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 07 2019, 5:53 am
OP, it sounds to me like you're doing a great job. You are exactly right that she needs to develop independence and conflict resolution skills.

My DD learned from a very early age where my "sympathy button" is, and how to press it. She can literally burst into tears on cue, just because she wants something. It breaks a mother's heart to see her child so unhappy, and you'd do anything to fix it, right?

DD is now a teen, and she's become an extremely avoidant, cynical, and negative person. She is going to have a hard time when life finally hits her. I blame myself for a lot of this.

I agree with everyone who says let her vent, sympathize, but do not offer any solutions. Complaining just to complain rarely helps anyone, so turn it around and have her offer solutions to her own problems (preferably solutions that don't include moving back home.) Instead, try asking "What do you think you could do to make sem a better place for you?" Give her the power to fix her own problems. That usually nips the whining in the bud.

Stay strong, you got this!
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thanks




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 07 2019, 8:24 am
Validating someone's feelings goes a really long way. Especially if it comes without preaching. So, there's no need to tell her what she knows already about how valuable and important the experience is. Just listen, and tell her you understand her challenges. Tell her that you understand for someone like her, this can be hard. Really empathize. It's very likely this approach will change how she views things.
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amother
Scarlet


 

Post Mon, Jan 07 2019, 8:44 am
I'm experiencing a similar situation with dd in sem. She shares her unhappiness and insecurities with me only, not dh. I also speak with her once, maybe twice a week. She has no smartphone, but has access to email through school. I think it's fine to speak infrequently if that's ok with you.

I was also feeling sick when she'd call to complain. I reinforced her ability to manage herself, which she has been doing beautifully. I remind her there are different ppl in the world, figuring out how to manage with less considerate, less neat, less mature ppl is what she's supposed to learn in sem. I tell her I love her, it's ok to kvetch if when she hangs up she feels better. She has a gratitude journal. I trust Hashem is taking care of her and ask him to please do so.

Then, for me, to help me feel better about her, I call her once in a while a few hours after a kvetch session to ask how she's doing. She usually says she's better, and has something nice to say.

I've asked her if she wants to come home, she has said no, for the reasons you mentioned in your post. Hug

I appreciate your honest post, bc it's not something I'd share in RL with anyone.

Hug
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urban gypsy




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 07 2019, 10:04 am
OP, I really feel for your daughter. I grew up in a clean organized home and then went to a seminary where the girls literally left dirty pots in the sinks until they grew pink mushrooming fungus and stayed up all night blasting music and shrieking. I was terribly miserable. I cried a lot and begged to come home constantly. My mom listened and validated my pain and then made me pull through till January and then slowly I started to love seminary. I loved my friends and the activities and the classes and I learned to deal with the mess. (I am embarrassed to admit that I just threw the moldy pots out the window into like 10 feet of snow every time the other girls trashed the kitchen!) I'm so glad that I didn't go home! Encourage her to pull through a little bit longer... sometimes you really need to push through for a few months until you can get used to a challenging environment.
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amother
Bisque


 

Post Mon, Jan 07 2019, 9:19 pm
amother wrote:
Have you told her the bolded?

Therapy?

Can you tell her this. You are feeling frustrated because you think everyone is doing something 'wrong'. Is it possible to rejig the thinking a bit - is it really 'wrong' or just not what you are expecting...... and so on....


She actually has said to us something is wrong with her and she is too picky, but then she starts to become even more negative about herself.
She does not have an adult at seminary she trusts enough to talk to which is really sad because its a great opportunity to make connections. The lack of trusts stems from her experiences in the past with adults when she reached out to them for help on certain issues and it always backfired on her so she is extra cautious.
The first time she met with her madricha, the midracha also gave her some ridiculous advice instead of just listening . She only has us and her friends to reach out to, but she does not like complaining to her friends.
We do whats app everyday, just sharing little things or if something funny happens. Thursday is phone call day, so I make sure I have time.

I did suggest the idea of a therapist and she , as I knew she would responded with I don't trust them, I don't have time, I will have to miss classes, if I miss classes I won't get credit etc. (essentially reading back the riot act that the school told the girls at the beginning of the year so that they would be too scared to skip classes!)
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amother
Bisque


 

Post Mon, Jan 07 2019, 9:20 pm
amother wrote:
I totally sympathize, but I think 1. You have to continue to hold your ground. These are very valuable life lessons your daughter needs to be a functioning human being. 2. Tell her. Tell her that you love her and care about her and are there for her and that is why you spent all of this money to give her this opportunity, but you absolutely cannot listen to 45 minutes of complaining every time she calls. She needs to buck up. Tell her that she has 5 minutes to vent, and the rest has to be positive. Her harping on all of the issues she is having with the other girls and then venting them over to you just exacerbates the situation. She needs to understand that you can't control others, just yourself. She needs to control how she allows others to affect her. She needs to change her expectations. She needs to learn a coping mechanism other than futile whining. Try to empower her to deal with this challenge.

Life is full of obnoxious people that will ruin your life if you let them. Gotta learn to have the right expectations and the skills to not rely on those that cannot be relied on.

Good luck!

The good news is, I'm pretty sure the airline would consider her too old to be a lap child on your return flight. However, if you do relent and bring her back, it might be appropriate.


Agree- thank you!
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amother
Bisque


 

Post Mon, Jan 07 2019, 9:22 pm
mochamix18 wrote:
Learning to live with others is really hard. I had difficult roommate situations throughout my single years. But to echo what others are saying it is a life skill and also perhaps speaking more than once a week would make her feel more secure. While not related, she’s welcome to come to us for a Shabbos if she needs to get away (we’re in Gilo (southern tip of Yerushayim) )

aww thanks!! I'll let you know : )
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