Feel ill when dd calls from seminary

amother

Bisque

Mon, Jan 07 2019, 9:23 pm

amother wrote:

I work in a seminary and I get emails from parents frantic that their daughter seems hopeless and must start therapy asap! I of course pull that girl in immediately and talk to her about how everything is going etc. More often then not after a half hour of serious probing I am forced to say "I got an email blah blah blah" and they laugh and say oh I was having a moment Mrs. blank. Don't worry. I am totally fine as they hop off to the next class not looking back LOL

. Moms often hear the worst. I would encourage her to keep a thankfullness journal start with 5 things in the morning and 5 at night. After a week up it to 10. Then whenever you talk to her ask her to pick her favorites and tell you all about why she wrote that particular one. For personal growth talking once a week is great but many girls are talking to family everyday. so maybe ask her how often she would like to speak and see if you can make it work.

I like the idea of a thankfulness journal. I actual do this in my mind every night, but writing it down will be helpful to her to change the way she thinks.

amother

Bisque

Mon, Jan 07 2019, 9:26 pm

I agree with everyone who says let her vent, sympathize, but do not offer any solutions. Complaining just to complain rarely helps anyone, so turn it around and have her offer solutions to her own problems (preferably solutions that don't include moving back home.) Instead, try asking "What do you think you could do to make sem a better place for you?" Give her the power to fix her own problems. That usually nips the whining in the bud.

This is a great idea! And I guess from what everyone is saying we should be speaking more than once a week...

amother

Bisque

Mon, Jan 07 2019, 9:29 pm

amother wrote:

I'm experiencing a similar situation with dd in sem. She shares her unhappiness and insecurities with me only, not dh. I also speak with her once, maybe twice a week. She has no smartphone, but has access to email through school. I think it's fine to speak infrequently if that's ok with you.

I was also feeling sick when she'd call to complain. I reinforced her ability to manage herself, which she has been doing beautifully. I remind her there are different ppl in the world, figuring out how to manage with less considerate, less neat, less mature ppl is what she's supposed to learn in sem. I tell her I love her, it's ok to kvetch if when she hangs up she feels better. She has a gratitude journal. I trust Hashem is taking care of her and ask him to please do so.

Then, for me, to help me feel better about her, I call her once in a while a few hours after a kvetch session to ask how she's doing. She usually says she's better, and has something nice to say.

I've asked her if she wants to come home, she has said no, for the reasons you mentioned in your post. Hug

I appreciate your honest post, bc it's not something I'd share in RL with anyone.

Hug

Thank you for sharing with me! And your right- can't shre with anyone in RL even when they ask how is your daughter doing and you put on that big smile and say GREAT!!!
Hugs back at you.

amother

Bisque

Mon, Jan 07 2019, 9:32 pm

urban gypsy wrote:

OP, I really feel for your daughter. I grew up in a clean organized home and then went to a seminary where the girls literally left dirty pots in the sinks until they grew pink mushrooming fungus and stayed up all night blasting music and shrieking. I was terribly miserable. I cried a lot and begged to come home constantly. My mom listened and validated my pain and then made me pull through till January and then slowly I started to love seminary. I loved my friends and the activities and the classes and I learned to deal with the mess. (I am embarrassed to admit that I just threw the moldy pots out the window into like 10 feet of snow every time the other girls trashed the kitchen!) I'm so glad that I didn't go home! Encourage her to pull through a little bit longer... sometimes you really need to push through for a few months until you can get used to a challenging environment.

That's pretty funny about the pots.
I guess she is just so shocked that so many girls have this attitude of leaving a mess, like they were never taught manners- maybe we sheltered her too much or our friends are similar to us so she never saw an entitled attitude. I think that's what is driving her the most nuts.

amother

Puce

Mon, Jan 07 2019, 9:42 pm

I am nowhere near this stage. However, why don't you encourage her to write letters to you? You can write back as well. She may be more positive to you on paper. It may also help her sort through some of her concerns and recognize her growth. You will be ble to look back at it after a venting phone call and remind yourself she has good times as well.
And she will definitely treasure having letters from you.

amother

White

Mon, Jan 07 2019, 10:16 pm

You have a great relationship with your daughter. When I went to seminary and dealt with all the drama and growing-up pains, I didn't feel comfortable sharing with my mother; I would have gotten "how dare you complain after all the money I paid..." I had no one there to speak to either. It all stayed bottled up inside.