YAHRTZEITS | Imamother

amother

Royalblue

Mon, Jan 07 2019, 5:26 pm

Unfortunately, I have had a lot of losses over the past few years and I have several important yahrtzeits throughout the year. One is tonight.

My nephew, as the only available male in the family, makes a siyyum and says kaddish for each one. So it isn't a question of not being mechabed the various loved properly. And I light a candle and say tehillim for each one. But I can't help but feel that I wish there was something else I could do myself for each yahrtzeit.

I will give you an example. As it happens, one of my yahrtzeits is on Tzom gedaliah.
So, a few years ago I decided to go to the river and say tashlich. There is a beautiful garden near the water and I go there afterwards and say tehillim for that parent. I wish I could think of something like that for each of them.

PLEASE, if you are inclined to give me any kind of mussar, please go back to line 1 here, reread it, and then just move on and don't answer this. I do not need to be told how to feel or what my obligations are or are not. I just want a way to express myself in some way that feel meaningful.

PinkFridge

Mon, Jan 07 2019, 5:32 pm

What mussar?(?!?!) The neshama should have an aliyah, and you should feel nechama, even after however much time it is.
And you should know that your living inspired by this person is a zechus for the neshama. I don't remember who said this, maybe Rabbi Miller?, but when we do something as a zechus for a niftar (nifteres), it's like sending a care package to Shamayim.
Tizku l'mitzvos.

amother

Royalblue

Mon, Jan 07 2019, 5:34 pm

I didn't mean to sound defensive but the reason I came here to talk is bc I tried to talk to a friend about this and she bawled me out saying that I am doing everything Hashem wants me to do as a woman, and wanting to find more things to do is wrong and not a way to honor my family members.

SixOfWands

Mon, Jan 07 2019, 5:51 pm

amother wrote:

I'm so sorry for you losses. My your loved ones' neshamas have an aliyah.

I say kaddish, but if that's not something you feel comfortable with, is there something that would be meaningful to each of your relatives?

If grandma loved making a special cake for her grandchildren, could you bake that cake on her yahrtzeit and tell stories about her?

Or if your uncle loved a particular book, tell the story on his yahrtzeit.

Or volunteer for or donate to a cause that they believed in.

Anything that embodies why you loved them, and sharing that with others as they would if they were here.

amother

Royalblue

Mon, Jan 07 2019, 6:02 pm

I thought of saying kaddish, but I come from a "name brand" rabbonishe family, and I am not certain that my father and grandfathers would approve. In any event, Kaddish is covered by my nephew, as I also lost my brother (his father) so he is allowed to say it for my parents and my husband as well.

I already say tehillim and give tzedaka. I am not sure, to be honest, what I am looking for, but in my whole family it's just me and these two kids now (DD and my nephew) and I feel like the people I lost deserve more.

amother

Azure

Mon, Jan 07 2019, 6:08 pm

Every night my brother sets aside time to think about our father a"h who passed a few years ago. I try to think of middas my family members liked and focus on improving in those areas. My father's mother was very hardworking and detail oriented while my father loved peace. I dont know if this sounds crazy or not, but it's worked for me. May your loved ones nashamas have aaliyahs and you nechama.

Also, how do women say Kaddish? (Sorry to derail the thread, but figured if I started my own it would be too controversial). In front of people or alone?

amother

Royalblue

Mon, Jan 07 2019, 6:15 pm

amother wrote:

Also, how do women say Kaddish? (Sorry to derail the thread, but figured if I started my own it would be too controversial). In front of people or alone?

At some MO shuls, women are allowed to say kaddish from behind the mechitza, similarly to the way women bench gomel from behind a mechitza. I don't think it is mainstream, but, per my rov, who is not at all MO, it is halachically permitted.

SixOfWands

Mon, Jan 07 2019, 6:38 pm

amother wrote:

IMNSHO, they have a heckuva lot, with how you feel and what you do.

PinkFridge

Mon, Jan 07 2019, 7:06 pm

amother wrote:

Isn't it interesting that so many of us are endorsing you for doing so everything you're doing, and in fact, some of us are using very similar words, and yet even those answers on this thread are so totally different than the bolded. Because we're endorsing you and validating your feelings, whether out of empathy for having been in similar situations, or sympathy by making good-faith attempts to put ourselves in your shoes.

Sounds like you're a fine role model for your nephews.

amother

Royalblue

Mon, Jan 07 2019, 7:11 pm

PinkFridge wrote:

It's all in the tone and the intention.

keym

Mon, Jan 07 2019, 7:17 pm

I try to sponsor a learning program, a shiur, or host a shiur in my house the night of or the shabbos before my father's yahrtzeit.
I'm like you OP. I feel very restless. My brothers fast, say kaddish, daven for the amud. I'm a lousy faster, and the other stuff isnt done by women in my community.

Chayalle

Mon, Jan 07 2019, 7:23 pm

The year after my mother A"H passed away, I tried hard to go to shul on Shabbos as early as possible. I didn't say Kaddish, but I heard as many as I could and said Amen.

It ended up being a springboard of sorts, getting me back to regular shul going, as my kids had gotten bigger and didn't need me at home so much anymore. I feel like all of this is in her zchus.