Life | Imamother

amother

Amethyst

Mon, Jan 07 2019, 11:18 pm

I have to take a moment when the inspiration is upon me to write this because 12 minutes from now or maybe 12 days from now I will wonder why I ever thought to write this.

For the moment, I am so happy to be alive. I am so happy to have reached this point in my life. I am so thankful. And I remember those days not too long ago where I thought I was at the lowest of lows. My daughter ill and me feeling helpless. I thought I was losing her. And maybe I am. But not at this very moment.

I look around at my surroundings. Inside my very common house. It's not fancy and it's smaller than most would accept. But I knew it would be mine because it was small and it would keep my kids close to me. I can only invite so many in and that's the way I am.

At the moment, there is clutter around but it's my clutter. There is dust but it's my dust. There are nail polish prints on the bathroom light switch. And they are not mine. But I'm not washing it off because it reminds me of my youngest daughter's innocence and childhood. Those are her prints. And there they will stay. For as long as I want.

I have a headache. Like so many other days recently. But it's not too bad and hopefully tomorrow it will be gone. Nagging. Oh well.

I've been able to daven lately. And I'm thankful for that. I try to tune in. I try to be present and not let my mind wander. I have not davened in the morning for months, maybe longer. But now I am. We'll see how long it lasts.

I don't think my children will follow in my footsteps. I haven't made a very good path for them. I doubt they will stay religious. But if they do, it's on their own. If they don't, part of me will be sad and part of me will hope that they at least are strong enough that they are finding their own way. Not just going the path of least resistance.

I get moody. I get lethargic. I get inspired. I can get melancholy. I can get downright mean sometimes. I can be insecure and petty. And then I think to myself, "why"? "Why am I insecure?" And then after I think for a while, I answer myself sometimes: "Because something happened when you were a kid that made you feel lost or abandoned or ashamed and you don't want to feel that because you weren't supposed to feel it then and now you are trying to protect yourself but the protection mechanism is counterproductive and you should just stop". Sometimes I move on. Sometimes I catch myself thinking about my past mistakes. I should stop that. Especially the way I think about them.

My parents are gone. I am an orphan. Many walls were put up by me to protect from uncertainty. But they don't really work the way I think I had intended them to.

Life is hard. But it's also good. There are the really, really horrible moments. And then occasionally a beautiful gift. More hard times than easy times. But without each, the other doesn't exist. So, I'm thankful for it all. There is a G-d. And He created this amazing universe. And little ol' me.

I used to think I was always the last one to know. The last one to the party. Perpetually on the outside, looking in; as if I didn't belong. But I don't care anymore. There is no such thing as belonging. There is just being. Everyone is being.

G-d willing, I will have a restful sleep for once, soon. Usually, I don't. Usually, it's multiple awakenings a night. Bathroom. Too hot. Son is yelling in his sleep. A headache. Neck hurts. Just up for no good reason. G-d willing, tonight will be restful and tomorrow when I wake up, I will still be thankful.