S/o mistakes YOU made at a shiva house that u now regret

amother

Floralwhite

Tue, Jan 08 2019, 9:49 am

I used to feel guilty that I didn't go to a shiva house until I was over 35. After reading the other thread in now glad I didn't.

Do you remember anything that you did when you were younger that you now regret?

amother

Mustard

Tue, Jan 08 2019, 9:56 am

amother wrote:

not going when a close friend sat for her grandmother when we were 13. I procrastinated - and also for some reason though Shiva was longer than it was.

amother

Saddlebrown

Tue, Jan 08 2019, 9:58 am

I went to visit shiva where an old school friend lost a child. We used to be good friends but lost touch over many of years. Reading threads on imamother, now, and also other times there were similar threads, I keep having doubts and second thoughts that maybe it's weird that I just came out of the blue to show up, especially I live a long drive away. I did hear from a mutual friend that she said she was touched that I showed up. But I still obsess over whether I did the right or wrong thing by going.

Ruchel

Tue, Jan 08 2019, 10:01 am

I was thanked for coming and said avec plaisir (with pleasure). It's an saying but I still hate that I said that. The person didn't mind at all (or didn't show).

Simple1

Tue, Jan 08 2019, 10:08 am

Ruchel wrote:

I was thanked for coming and said avec plaisir (with pleasure). It's an saying but I still hate that I said that. The person didn't mind at all (or didn't show).

I said something like that - but not to the avel. I was very impressed that someone was very, very helpful and supportive to a mutual classmate who was sitting shiva for a child. I told her I'm sure she's so happy that you're there for her. I realized afterward how awkward the wording was.

Raisin

Tue, Jan 08 2019, 10:13 am

To those who think it is better they didn't go, that can be just as hurtful. I remember a relative who was sitting shiva was tremendously upset that certain friends never came or at least called.

sky

Tue, Jan 08 2019, 10:18 am

I’ve really only regretted not going.

My personality is just to sit quietly anyways which protects me somewhat. I also cry very easily in shiva houses which can get embarrassing. Was recently at a friend who lost sibling - she spoke so beautifully - and I just sat in the back and silently sobbed.

amother

Aubergine

Tue, Jan 08 2019, 10:24 am

People are always talking about how to be sensitive to those sitting Shiva. Of course it is of the time when an avel gets offended by what someone said its because she is hurting and not because the visitor said something wrong.
When I sat Shiva for my mother who passed away at a young age I really appreciated everyone who made the effort to come. I was so touched by their kind gestures. It bothered me when friends were afraid to come to me or watched what they said in fear of hurting me. Just be yourself and show the avel that you care about their pain. Don't overthink it so much.

Chayalle

Tue, Jan 08 2019, 10:28 am

Years ago, an elderly neighbor of mine passed away, and her daughter was sitting shiva in the house. I went to pay a shiva call, and for some reason I didn't know how to just get up and leave. I stayed there far too long, trying to figure out what to say. I'm positive they probably wished I'd just go already. I finally got the courage to get up, say Hamakom Yenachem, and leave. It shouldn't have been so hard, don't know why I felt so awkward just doing that sooner.

I've gotten better at going, staying a few minutes, and leaving. Unless you are really close to the Avel and you KNOW they want you there, I think that's the right thing to do.

amother

Cerise

Tue, Jan 08 2019, 11:01 am

I was in seminary and it was my first shiva call. The elderly woman I did "chesed" by passed away and I went to the family. She was Ashkenazi, British but her late husband super Israeli Moroccan and none of the "kids"(then in their 70s) spoke English. I had no clue about their customs. I quickly read some thing like "how to act at a shiva call" prior to going, not realizing it was very Ashkenazi centric, talking about how you shouldn't eat there etc. I get there, first thing they all start trying to get me to take food and make a bracha, as I now know is their custom, but at the time I was horrified and just kept refusing. It was so awkward but I'm still glad I went. She was an incredible woman.

amother

Ivory

Tue, Jan 08 2019, 11:33 am

amother wrote:

I think you did the right thing.
The mistake people make is saying the wrong thing.r
Better to eat nothing and just end our with hamakom than to ask all the awful questions and give all the awful comments.
I only talk when down to by avel and only speak to them (not cross-discussions with other visitors. That really bugged me when I was sitting Shiva

amother

Slateblue

Tue, Jan 08 2019, 11:42 am

amother wrote:

Of course you did the right thing By going. How can you even doubt it?

And BTW crying( not sobbing and yelling obviously) in a Shivah house is not embarrassing at all. I believe it gives a lot of Chizzuk to the Avelim.

Ruchel

Tue, Jan 08 2019, 11:46 am

It's all so personal. That lady started crying about my great uncle. I had to run away from her presence because it made me feel bad. Like, SHE cries? Also I do not cry in public, and I don't want to be forced/pushed to it. It makes me feel worse so I don't. I'd say avoid strong emotions until you see what the person wants/knows the person.

Harried mama

Tue, Jan 08 2019, 12:23 pm

amother wrote:

not going when a close friend sat for her grandmother when we were 13. I procrastinated - and also for some reason though Shiva was longer than it was.

Why was she sitting shiva for her grandmother?

amother

Puce

Tue, Jan 08 2019, 1:51 pm

I recently went to pay a Shiva call and I didn't see the woman sitting in the row of aveilim so I figured she was taking a break. I turned around to leave and someone tapped me and asked who I came for I told her and I said I dont see her . She turned me around and pointed and said that's her TMI

I didn't recognize her without makeup. It was terrible Sad

amother

Periwinkle

Tue, Jan 08 2019, 2:58 pm

There is an intrinsic problem with this thread. What is see here is a bunch is sensitive, well-intentioned human beings who may or may not have made a wrong judgement call. The people with the sensitivity to feel.badly are never the ones who SHOULD feel badly.

imasoftov

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 3:32 am

amother wrote:

And BTW crying( not sobbing and yelling obviously) in a Shivah house is not embarrassing at all. I believe it gives a lot of Chizzuk to the Avelim.

While it may not be embarrassing, you're there to comfort the mourners, not to make them feel worse, so please try not to.

amother

Mustard

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 4:35 am

Harried mama wrote:

Why was she sitting shiva for her grandmother?

Excuse my phrasing. Comforting friend who was at her grandmothers shiva house.

amother

Saddlebrown

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 9:51 am

amother wrote:

Of course you did the right thing By going. How can you even doubt it?

Because there were people on threads saying that if you're not close enough to go to their simchas don't go, and other comments like that. I do also have social anxiety which makes me doubt myself often.