Is there an excuse?

amother

Chartreuse

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 9:46 am

So after the morning rush... and 1 kid missing the bus, I am sitting at my kitchen table surrounded by a mess, unmade beds etc and I’ll try to give you the excuse as to why I’m not getting on with my chores:

1. I don’t want to
2. I’m emotionally and physically exhausted after getting kids out
3. I didn’t sleep well last night and feel pretty yucky right now.. don’t really feel like dealing with everyone’s mess
4. Had to take a strong medication last night and side effects are nausea the next day.... I don’t feel well...
5. I was supposed to have my once a week cleaning lady today and she cancelled... can’t deal with it all on my own

Regardless of how I’m feeling, I will:

1-Straighten the kitchen
2-Take out the overflowing garbage
3-Clean and prepare the raw chickens in my fridge
4- make beds - but not picture perfect.. just straightening blankets out- pick up any dirty laundry
5- fold a load sitting in the dryer since yesterday
6-pay some bills
7- cook supper
8- start some shabbos baking
9- sweep the floors
10- schedule dr.’s appointments for kids

This is all before kids start coming home... youngest is home at 2pm!
And I planned on taking him for snow boots later before the big kids come back....

My house is not pristine perfect... but I’m working hard to be a good mother and wife.... I’m exhausted ..,
Probably others can handle more than me but I’m doing the best I can

BoomChickaPop

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 9:47 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

Here’s my question.

If you are a sahm with all the kids in school till 4:00 is there an excuse to not have a perfectly run home?

Examples:

Always fresh supper. Main, side, vegetable.
Fresh breakfast
Packed lunches for husband and kids
Homemade challah
Fresh baked goods
Laundry always washed, ironed, folded, put away.
Floors always swept
Carpets vacuumed
Bathrooms clean. Wastebaskets emptied. Fresh towels hung.
Dishes always done.
No clutter
Beds made
Grocery shopping done
Errands done
Doctors/dentist appointments scheduled and kept
Daily exercise
Weekly manicures
Toys put away
Kids bathed every night
Always do homework with kids
Play with kids each day
Neat and orderly drawers and cupboards

So these are what I feel are basic examples.

I did not add things like silver always polished, fridge cleaned weekly, windows washed...

So I’m not even talking museum level. I just mean the basics.

Does it make sense that not all these things are done if the kids are in school all day?

Of course there is an excuse for not doing everything on your list.... IMAMOTHER LOL

amother

Gold

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 10:01 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

He has lots of opinions, but this isn’t really about him. It’s about me.

Am I the only one here who thinks if you took the time to make up this looooong detailed list and are weighing it all, your DH is sending some kind of message to you, whether hes spelling it out clearly or not, that he has expectations of how you should or shouldnt be spending your time.

mig100

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 2:49 pm

amother wrote:

I can not speak for others. I still think you are. I certainly do not think so. not at all

One thing thats obvious from this thread and its spinoffs- is that women feel a strong need to be "supermom" ( however you define that) or at least justify why they are not.

If we are honest with ourselves- I think at least 99% of the pressure on women -comes from the women themselves. (of course there are exception)

As proof- when was the last time someone asked you the following:

"why is your house not spotless?"
"why cant you get as much done each day - as Mrs. Supermom next door?"
"why cant you have time to make 3 course suppers and challah each week?"

When was the last time you asked yourself those questions?

IMVHO- I think almost all husbands and children would by far prefer a relaxed mother/ wife at the expense of the entire list.

amother

Gold

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 3:07 pm

mig100 wrote:

If we are honest with ourselves- I think at least 99% of the pressure on women -comes from the women themselves. (of course there are exception)

As proof- when was the last time someone asked you the following:

"why is your house not spotless?"
"why cant you get as much done each day - as Mrs. Supermom next door?"
"why cant you have time to make 3 course suppers and challah each week?"

I totally disagree. If a neighbor comes to borrow a cup of sugar, or a workman comes to do a little job in the house, in a few minutes they can get an idea if the woman is a Balebusta. I think in more cases, its not us that were pleasing, its more what will the neighbors say.

Maybe Im unusual in that if I know no one but me, not even my husband, would see the mess, or even dirty dishes in the sink, I dont give a flying ----.

mig100

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 3:11 pm

amother wrote:

And can I ask who exactly is pressuring you to impress your neighbors? ( other than yourself)

Im unusual- as I feel I have no responsibility to impress the whole world. no one ever paid me to do that. at least not yet.

its not one of the 613 commandments either- at least not last time I checked.

amother

Gold

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 3:15 pm

mig100 wrote:

No one wants to be known as a slob, relative to neighbors. I think frum people have more pressure in this area. It might hurt for a Shidduch (I know people ask others about the mother's cleanliness, especially when its a girl).

mig100

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 3:25 pm

amother wrote:

were getting carried away.

were talking about making fresh breakfast, challah routinely, having no clutter, vacummed carpets etc on a daily basis.

If not having those things done every day makes you a slob- we really have screwed values imo.

pul-eeze- lets not get carried away

Last edited by mig100 on Wed, Jan 09 2019, 4:22 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Brunette

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 3:31 pm

I think I get most of that done most of the time. Always dinner not always with a side and salad... Laundry done daily, floors swept pretty much daily washed a few times a week, kids lunches packed, containers for dh lunch in freezer, regular bathing but not daily, always do homework have kids clothes set out and ironed, bake a few times a month not so great playing with the kids but I try talking to them one on one daily.

I work full time and dh works full time +. I am much more productive when I work.

Of course some days I just let things go, macaroni for dinner do lunches in the morn leave dishes in the sink let laundry pile up. And I'm okay with that. It's called living.

amother

Gray

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 3:34 pm

amother wrote:

That’s ridiculous. We are not all our mothers. Also, even if the girl herself is a “slob” (what a horrible, demeaning term to call a member of Khal Yisrael), that doesn’t mean she won’t have many other outstanding qualities or an inability to pay cleaners to keep her house ship-shape or even just-ok thank you shape. If people seriously are gossiping about their neighbors’ houses, this is far more of a problem than what the houses look like inside.

amother

Gray

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 3:40 pm

mig100 wrote:

The bolded: You are definitely onto something here IMVHO too.

amother

Gold

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 4:16 pm

amother wrote:

You made my day. Relative to my immaculate neighbors in Brooklyn, Im a slob. But I think my Midos by far surpass many of the clean freaks. Imho, being "nice" isnt considered as important as cleanliness, to some, especially the clean freaks.

I often say- By peoples Levayas, no one will say "Her house was never cluttered, and she had a kitchen floor people could eat on".

mig100

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 4:26 pm

amother wrote:

You made my day. Relative to my immaculate neighbors in Brooklyn, Im a slob.

guess what - your "immaculate neighbors" are too busy comparing themselves to their "perfect" neighbors, sils, mils etc- to notice what your house looks like

stop comparing yourself - no one else is. Very Happy

I dont read minds- though im pretty certain. Very Happy

mig100

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 4:27 pm

amother wrote:

The bolded: You are definitely onto something here IMVHO too.

Gray-thanks! That makes 2 of us! Very Happy

Lets start a club for the "happy/relaxed moms". everyone else can have fun outdoing each other in their "supermom" club Very Happy

Last edited by mig100 on Wed, Jan 09 2019, 4:37 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Gold

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 4:31 pm

mig100 wrote:

your "immaculate neighbors" are too busy comparing themselves to their "perfect" neighbors, sils, mils etc- to notice what your house looks like

stop comparing yourself - no one else is. Very Happy

Not true. Im a Shadchan and I hear people focusing on cleanliness/balebusta issues. The more frummie the circles, the more its focused on.

"A neighbor said the house is a mess", has killed many Shidduchim.

mig100

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 4:40 pm

amother wrote:

GOOD FOR YOU- be proud of yourself!!!

Being "nice" will have a better effect on your kids in the long run- than having a perfectly clean home and screaming at your kids constantly for daring to make footprints as they walk.

if your a shadchan - your helping lonely singles built future generations- a tromendous chesed beyond words -please dont sell yourself short for a second.

amother

Babyblue

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 4:49 pm

amother wrote:

Then the shidduch was obviously not meant to be. And BH it ended because of a messy house and not a false rumor

amother

Gray

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 6:20 pm

amother wrote:

Yes, but the killed Shidduchim are a blessing for the child who would have been saddled with In-Laws overly focused on Balebusta skills. So many posts on this site include anxiety-ridden young mothers terrified that their overly critical MIL is coming over and will comment on the cleanliness. The girls who get rejected by people concerned by this stuff are lucky ones here IMHO.