Is there an excuse?

amother

Yellow

Tue, Jan 08 2019, 10:34 pm

SuperWify wrote:

Yay for you.

What works for you doesn’t work for everyone else. People have different needs: levels or cleanliness, family needs, self care and breathing time needs ect.

.....right. of course you're right. But the op asked for suggestions and advice in this area, and this poster offered her observations. Not the OP, but I found this response interesting, as someone who has a more "by the skin of my teeth" household management style.

amother

Yellow

Tue, Jan 08 2019, 11:16 pm

Mevater wrote:

If any ONE person tried to do all that, theyd be playing "Beat the Clock" every day, and theyd probably fall apart from exhaustion regularly.

Exactly this. Presumably you are a SAHM in order to be there fully for your husband and kids.

By setting almost unattainable standards for yourself (and keep in mind that attainable may vary from person to person), you are pressuring yourself as much, if not more, than a full time job, without the added benefits of a job (external pride and accomplishment, socializing, extra money, a reason to dress up every day, a breather, change of pace from being home, etc...).

As a SAHM your hours are pretty much round the clock, and require lots of patience! If you're running a gourmet kitchen and cleaning service, with your nails done and all dressed up, you wont be able to be present for your kids the way you want.

(Of course, for some [imaginary?] women, the cooking and cleaning is exhilarating and refreshing and effortless. So they can do more and still patient and there for their kids. Others have a different type of nature, and can stick to a strict cleaning schedule while still working part time. The difference is, IMO, that you have the opportunity to be a SAHM. So be there really for your kids. And don't add in guilt.)

aliavi

Tue, Jan 08 2019, 11:35 pm

OP, are you looking for validation in your expectations for yourself, or support in guilting yourself? Trying to find motivation?

There is no such thing as a perfectly run home. Your list doesn’t describe a perfect home to me. Years ago it did. My shower curtain and infant clothing was ironed even. My home was spotless without cleaning help. BH, things have changed! I treat myself much better and I feel much better. Find what works for you, and allow yourself to be okay with it. It takes courage and some failures.

salt

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 1:52 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

Here’s my question.

If you are a sahm with all the kids in school till 4:00 is there an excuse to not have a perfectly run home?

Examples:

Always fresh supper. Main, side, vegetable.
Fresh breakfast
Packed lunches for husband and kids
Homemade challah
Fresh baked goods
Laundry always washed, ironed, folded, put away.
Floors always swept
Carpets vacuumed
Bathrooms clean. Wastebaskets emptied. Fresh towels hung.
Dishes always done.
No clutter
Beds made
Grocery shopping done
Errands done
Doctors/dentist appointments scheduled and kept
Daily exercise
Weekly manicures
Toys put away
Kids bathed every night
Always do homework with kids
Play with kids each day
Neat and orderly drawers and cupboards

So these are what I feel are basic examples.

I did not add things like silver always polished, fridge cleaned weekly, windows washed...

So I’m not even talking museum level. I just mean the basics.

Does it make sense that not all these things are done if the kids are in school all day?

I work in a hi-tech company. When we have to give estimates as to how long a project will take us, we divide the project into tasks and give time estimates for each task. Then we add up all those times, divide them by the number of people working on the project, add in a small buffer for if other unexpected tasks come up, and give an estimate as to how long the project will take us.
You can do the same with this list. Give a time for each thing, add it up, and see if it fits into ~16 waking hrs of a day. Remember to put in time to go to the bathroom, shower before bed, eat, those are basics that you left out Smile

Much more basic than getting a manicure. There are other basics that you forgot - brushing hair and teeth, getting dressed.

If all those times fit into your day then - no excuse. If they don't fit in, then your excuse is "not enough hours in the day" - simple as that.

ETA I read other posts after I posted this and I see that other poster also suggest estimating times.
Sorry if I was repetitive.

chanchy123

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 4:19 am

I work out of the home, I'm away from the house approximately 8 hours a day (work+commute). My children range from 10 months to 13.
Now that I am back at work after maternity leave (have been back for about 4 months), I have quite a few moments where I seriously consider leaving my job and just being a SAHM. But then I realize that I am just not cut out for it. I can imagine myself being home all day and just not getting anything done because I am so disorganized. I realize I would be super depressed if I were home all day and still my house would look the same.
There is something about having a very limited time frame to get things done in. Even when I was on maternity leave Friday was a mad dash to get the house clean and food cooked, although there really should not have been much of a difference between Friday and the rest of the week, since I was home every day. Now, that I am home only in the afternoons I still get about as much done as I did when I was home all day every day.
The only real difference is the errands outside of the house that I find hard to fit in my schedule, shopping for groceries and household items, doctors appointments etc. Also I don't have time for just me, I can't just get a coffee and pastry when I'm out (because I'm either on a short break from work, rushing to get home to the kids or out with the kids).
Somehow tasks seem to take as much time as I have for them (I don't know about you guys, but I'm in a rush for Shabbat on a summer Friday just as much as on a winter Friday).
So I absolutely understand OP. If I were home all day I would expect to have a lot more done and I know that I would not actually work out for me and that would be very very frustrating for me, my children, and definitely my husband.
I think there is a lot of good time management advice here, I am going to try to implement this advice myself.
I do agree that not everyone is cut out to be Suzie Homemaker, we need to learn to be forgiving with ourselves. Try to improve and be the best we can, but without beating ourselves that we are not perfect.

BadTichelDay

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 4:50 am

The thread title doesn't go down well with me.
"Is there an excuse" - why does one need an excuse? Is not having a perfectly maintained home something to feel guilty about?
My personal answer is, no.
Who says that homes have to be perfect in the first place?
It's a place where a family lives. It has to function. That's it.
I have never been a sahm, I've always worked outside the house, and my home is in an abysmal state. But it kind of functions.
Is there an excuse that my performance at work isn't perfect every day? Yes. I'm human.
Why do people whip themselves into the idea that things have to be perfect? Nothing in this world is perfect (other than the Torah of course).

Ruchel

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 5:11 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

I have no interest in some those, do not see some of those as positive, and I don't see why it would all be on me. I prefer taking care of myself, having fun, doing projects for myself, especially if some of this will not be appreciated - or even noticed.

My kids often prefer a fun supper.
My husband is not disabled to make his lunch and he likes restaurants. My kids are at school when they're at school.
Sometimes yes, homemade challah but in many homes bought is better.
I don't iron ever.
Beds will be unmade at night.
Appointments with kids need kids... so they don't happen during the school day.
I don't enjoy exercizing.
I don't know anyone who gets their nails done weekly.
Bath daily is bad for the skin.
Never do homework with the kids as the teachers don't want and neither do I.
This IS museum level.

amother

Blonde

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 5:16 am

Your list would sit well with a museum curator. Honestly. You do what you can. And look after yourself. And frankly the main goal as far as I see is being there for your kids-Calm and relaxed (not I have a deadline to meet for work). Im.betting Your kids prefer a sahm whos napped to catch up on her sleep for an hr vs homemade challah.
Goal being- kids walk in ..you free them with a smile a big hug and plentry of emotional space to listen to them and be there for them.
WHERE'S THAT ON YOUR LIST

Mayflower

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 7:11 am

You don't need any excuse. Just run your household the way you feel comfortable.

I work (almost) full-time, but from your list, here's what I think should be done in my home:

mommy3b2c wrote:

Always ~~fresh~~ home-made supper. Main, side, vegetable. - Yes (I cheat once a week by serving pizza/borekas/french fries/... and serve a LOT from the freezer)
Fresh breakfast - No!
Packed lunches for husband and kids - Yes
Homemade challah - Yes
Fresh baked goods - Yes
Laundry always washed, ironed, folded, ~~put away~~. - Yes
Floors always swept - I don't see how this can be done. Everytime someone eats a cookie you stand next to him/her with a broom?
Carpets vacuumed - See above
Bathrooms clean. Wastebaskets emptied. Fresh towels hung. - Yes
Dishes always done. - If you have dishwashers, I would say yes (put things in the dishwasher as soon as you're done. If not, it makes sense to only do the dishes twice a day.
No clutter - Yes (my ideal, never happens)
Beds made - Yes (takes about 120 seconds to make 6 beds)
Grocery shopping done - Yes
Errands done - Yes
Doctors/dentist appointments scheduled and kept - Yes (my personal weak point)
Daily exercise - If you go through this whole list, that's enough exercise me thinks
Weekly manicures - What?
Toys put away - Once a day (BTW kids can do this themselves, you're not their slave)
Kids bathed every night - No way, not good for their skin
Always do homework with kids - Yes
Play with kids each day - For a few minutes every day, ideally yes.
Neat and orderly drawers and cupboards - Yes.

amother

Chartreuse

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 7:40 am

Why does everything have to get done each day?
That the house should look neat and presentable? Yes! But scrubbing the bathrooms each day? No!
Mothers work hard, looking after their families homes etc and it’s fine to buy supper sometimes.
So many things need to get done when kids are out-
Grocery shopping, errands... waaay easier and faster to get things done without the kids. Some days that could take a hours and then you come home right before the kids walk in....
And then you are swimming in homework, supper, kids issues....
not always is a stay at home mom a lady of leisure...
I certainly don’t feel like one!
Maaaybe if a stay at home mom had daily cleaning up....
But I’m working pretty hard!
Harder than when I was an office manager!

Amalia

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 8:57 am

Dear mommy3b2c,

I think that the question is not whether the list you posted in your OP is doable or not.

And what anyone else does or does not do is irrelevant to your life (or should be).

It seems to me that what you need to figure out is what you WANT to do with your life. How to do that is a million-dollar question. And therapy may or may not be your answer.

Then, you need to figure out whether and how that can be fitted into the reality of your life, with all its circumstances and constraints.

If you manage to do that, I would love to hear the process it takes you to get there, the conclusions you come to, as well as how those will be manifested in your life.

I don’t know if I made sense. I tried.

Last edited by Amalia on Wed, Jan 09 2019, 9:26 am; edited 1 time in total

Ravenclaw

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 9:00 am

chatz wrote:

But, as someone mentioned in another post, becoming a SAHM doesn't make housekeeping easier for you. If your personality or health makes cleaning or cooking difficult, more time isn't a magical solution.

You're describing a full time job without pay. At a pretty high standard.

Also, do you get appreciation/motivation? Again, this is a full time job you're describing. Without pay. Do you feel that your efforts and work are appreciated?

This.
So I have tried it both ways, and you know what? I am just not the Martha Stewart type. And when I stay home trying to be all I feel is guilt that I am “wasting” my time and not accomplishing more since I am home anyway so what else should I be doing?
When I work I get the same amount (sometimes more) done because I feel more accomplished, can afford more outside help, and expect less from myself (like using plastic dishes, buying more readymade food).
When I am home I find half the day goes to preparing breakfast and lunch (instead of just eating a yogurt on the go) and cleaning up after; preparing more time-consuming dishes (sautéed chicken instead of ready frozen breaded cutlets); using real dishes (instead of plastic—also when working those few dishes I do use I only wash once they add up, so like twice a week...)

mommy3b2c

Wed, Jan 09 2019, 9:19 am

Amalia wrote:

Dear mommy3b2c,

I think that the question is not whether the list you posted in your OP is doable or not.

And what anyone else does or does not do is irrelevant to your life (or should be).

It seems to me that what you need to figure out is what you WANT to do with your life. How to do that is a million-dollar question. And therapy may or may not be your answer.

Then, you need to figure out whether and how that can be fitted into the reality of your life, with all its circumstances and constraints.

If you manage to do that, I would love to hear the process it takes you to get there the conclusions you come to, as well as how those will be manifested in your life.

I don’t know if I made sense. I tried.

Actually, I think you made the most sense. I guess I need to figure myself out.