How much say does a principal have?

amother

Mistyrose

Tue, Jan 08 2019, 4:12 pm

I have a son who will be graduating elementary school and I am trying to understand how much say the menahel has over where ds goes for high school.
His elementary school does not have its own high school.
Can the menahel suggest where ds should go?
Can he try to dissuade us from our choice? Or actively disagree with us and try to stop us from sending our child to the school we want?
How far can a menahel go in deciding where a boy goes for high school?
Really need another perspective on my situation or confirmation that this is not ok.

allthingsblue

Tue, Jan 08 2019, 4:22 pm

Generally I'd say the menachem can suggest and dissuade, but not actively try to stop you from sending him somewhere. (Except in extenuating circumstances such as when a parent is not on the same page as the son and where he is holding.)

amother

Seafoam

Tue, Jan 08 2019, 4:23 pm

amother wrote:

You can choose whatever high-school you want for your son.

The menahel if asked may say not nice things if you choose a school he doesn't approve of. The faculty of that school would know to take that with a grain of salt - as they would know that his menahel doesn't think highly of their school.

amother

Mistyrose

Tue, Jan 08 2019, 4:44 pm

It's not a prestigious school at all.
Ds is in a regular yeshiva (not in ny) with a mix of boys from various backgrounds.
The high school is more to the left of the elementary school, but the Rebbeim and menahel all seem very Frum and ehrlich to us.
The menahel keeps calling DH down to almost yell at him that we can't send ds there, dh is a fool, they're modern orthodox because boys wear colored shirts and they say hallel on yom haaztmaut, etc.
(They are not co-ed, they learn torah most of the day, and are not innapropriate in any way)

Now he says since we get a tuition discount, dh owes it to him to send our son to a school that the menahel decided is better for ds.

My son wants to go to the school we picked out. It is not modern orthodox (and frankly if it is we are ok with that) .

Dh, ds and I feel the menahel is overstepping his boundaries & cannot dictate where ds should go.

It's a good, frum school with good learning and plenty of frum ehrlich ppl in the community attend that high school. (It's in a nearby community).

Idk why he is making us so miserable about it.
Is this reasonable?

amother

Mistyrose

Tue, Jan 08 2019, 4:45 pm

Want to add that no we do not live in Brooklyn or Lakewood nor in a chassidish community.
It's a mixed community of yeshivish, very yeshivish, somewhat modern, all the way to ppl who dont cover their hair.

amother

Denim

Tue, Jan 08 2019, 4:46 pm

amother wrote:

Short answer - NO

Long Answer - Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

amother

Denim

Tue, Jan 08 2019, 5:21 pm

amother wrote:

But we don't feel the choice is wrong so why is he constantly after us?

He can have many personal reasons for that. I'd have one more, very respectable, conversation with him. Ask him to lay down his case, respond with respectably presenting your counterpoints and stating why you prefer your option and then move on.

Its your son, the final say rests with you and your husband. If DH, DS and you are all on the same page, and the yeshiva you selected has a strong standing in yiddishkeit, then you've covered all the bases.

amother

Mistyrose

Tue, Jan 08 2019, 5:32 pm

We did that.
Dh spoke extensively with ds' rebbe and menahel . He explained respectfully our position and our thoughts and reasons.
They did not accept it and keep pushing us. Now his menahel is using the tuition break we get as leverage, which I think is really wrong.

amother

Denim

Tue, Jan 08 2019, 5:38 pm

amother wrote:

It's absolutely very very wrong. Is he the one who decides on the tuition break or is there a committee for this?

oneofakind

Tue, Jan 08 2019, 5:44 pm

I guess he feels very strongly on the topic but you of course have the final say so. Would your son do better in the school he is suggesting? would he even want to go? does your family fit in there? do you have personal experience with this school? if not, maybe you have a rosier picture than the reality. The fact that the faculty is frum and ehrlich doesn't reflect on the student body at all and it's really the other kids level than will influence your son. He may be doing this in a crude way but it sounds like he has your son's best interests in mind and he is using whatever leverage he could.

amother

Denim

Tue, Jan 08 2019, 5:57 pm

oneofakind wrote:

This all can be true, but sometimes menahelim believe that their way is the only right way and consider any other paths to be harmful.

We can't speak to this without intimately knowing the Menahel.

amother

Mistyrose

Tue, Jan 08 2019, 5:59 pm

One of a kind, no he doesn't have his best interest in mind. I had heard about him doing this to a lot of other parents.

We know families with boys who go there and they are exactly as they seem.
They have boys in my son's grade who will also attend that school (like their older siblings). Some got this pushback, others didn't.
None are modern in any way.

Denim, I'm not sure who has the final say on tuition. I think it's a mix of him and the commitee.

amother

Denim

Tue, Jan 08 2019, 6:00 pm

amother wrote:

Do you have any other children in this school - and is there a concern that he'll eliminate the tuition break for you?

amother

Denim

Tue, Jan 08 2019, 6:54 pm

amother wrote:

Denim, yes we do and I am very worried.

Is there someone else on the committee, or a person of high ranking in the school that you can talk to?

You mentioned in your earlier post that he has done this to others. Do you know how they handled the situation?