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Difficult coworker

 
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amother




Forestgreen


Post  Wed, Jan 09 2019, 9:37 pm
I started working in an office. I got the job because I know the owners. It is a very big company and I hardly see the owner. Everyone is very nice including the administrator. All of them are non Jews. One women is a very rude difficult person. The problem is that she is the one who is teaching me the job. I heard her complaining and saying bad stuff about another woman in the office who is very nice. One customer complaint about her that she is very rude. Idk what to do because I don’t want to complain to the administrator. She is just kind of crazy. she is saying that she asked me to do stuff but she didn’t. I think she believes that she did. Like little details she forgot to mention. She also giving me mini lectures about me having to pay attention and to remember stuff. I know I have good memory and other coworkers are happy with my work. I’m trying not to talk to her but I can’t not talk to her completely. What is the best way to deal with her. Until now I tried not to confront her but I realize now that I have to tell her to stop somehow because she is afraid to do it to anyone else and she always does it when we are alone.
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amother




Forestgreen


Post  Thu, Jan 10 2019, 8:31 am
Bump.
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abound




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jan 10 2019, 9:28 am
ask her to email you the things she wants you to do since it seems there is misunderstandings.
If it gets bad start recording it so you can have it in the future if you need it. Also stand up for yourself professionally (dont get emotional or agitated) bullies back off if ppl stand up to them.

You can always get yourself a recorder, Tell her that you are recording what she asks of you so that you wont forget, Since she is claiming u forget, This way she will know you are recording her, that in itself may get her to behave.
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amother




Forestgreen


Post  Thu, Jan 10 2019, 9:37 am
abound wrote:
ask her to email you the things she wants you to do since it seems there is misunderstandings.
If it gets bad start recording it so you can have it in the future if you need it. Also stand up for yourself professionally (dont get emotional or agitated) bullies back off if ppl stand up to them.

You can always get yourself a recorder, Tell her that you are recording what she asks of you so that you wont forget, Since she is claiming u forget, This way she will know you are recording her, that in itself may get her to behave.

Thanks. Maybe I should write it down in front of her. Recording is kind of excessive.
The main thing is that she is rude and gives me these comments and kind of has a chip on her shoulder. I need kind of to tell her to cut it out. I can go to the administrator Because she likes me and she has my back because I know the owner but I don’t want to do it. How do I tell her to stop putting me down?
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abound




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jan 10 2019, 10:58 am
It is hard to tell you how to stand up for yourself, you are the only one there and have the dynamics. Recorders are becoming more common place for busy ppl to keep track of things, it may not be so over the top like you think.
If you give examples of things she said or does maybe we can help you brainstorm how to react.
Most off if you portray confidence then it is harder to bully you.
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amother




Forestgreen


Post  Thu, Jan 10 2019, 11:29 am
abound wrote:
It is hard to tell you how to stand up for yourself, you are the only one there and have the dynamics. Recorders are becoming more common place for busy ppl to keep track of things, it may not be so over the top like you think.
If you give examples of things she said or does maybe we can help you brainstorm how to react.
Most off if you portray confidence then it is harder to bully you.

Yesterday she started giving me a mini lecture how I need to pay attention and I don’t remember stuff I need to make work a priority and when I come to work leave the family at home and not worry about the kids and concentrate on work. This comes from the fact that she is omitting details and than complains later. I don’t have this problem with other coworkers that I work with in that office. As I wrote before she got a complaint from a costumer who threatened to sue the company. She is kind of awkward and don’t have friends in the office. When she said that I didn’t say anything just said ok. Because I thought whatever I say she will have a comeback but now I think that I need to stop it. Also I told her what my hours are because it changed and she said you do t need to tell me. Even though I work with her. When I ask something she just ignores sometimes and she said you need to make your own decisions even though I just started a month ago and I work part time. She is the one who gives me the work if I’m done with what I am assigned to. So maybe I won’t ask her anymore. Idk what to do. I think I need to let her know she can’t talk to me that way. But how?
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Iymnok




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jan 10 2019, 11:41 am
When she starts giving you instructions for the project, take out your phone to record it saying that you want to remember everything she tells you.
Then when she claims to have told you something she didn’t you have proof.
Is there an HR dept.? Talk to them.
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amother




Forestgreen


Post  Thu, Jan 10 2019, 11:57 am
She just starts gaslighting for no reason. I think it’s called gaslighting and she is very rude and makes faces when I tell her something sometimes. It’s a small office part of a big corporation. There is a guy he might be HR. And there is the head it the facility that is an extremely nice woman.
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amother




Peach


Post  Thu, Jan 10 2019, 12:18 pm
amother wrote:
Thanks. Maybe I should write it down in front of her. Recording is kind of excessive.
The main thing is that she is rude and gives me these comments and kind of has a chip on her shoulder. I need kind of to tell her to cut it out. I can go to the administrator Because she likes me and she has my back because I know the owner but I don’t want to do it. How do I tell her to stop putting me down?


If you are new at the job, you should write down as she's talking even if your are listening and understanding. (It makes the person feel like your paying attention-
I would recommend this even if you didn't have issues with her).
In this situation, it would also help to have a "record".
When she is done, you can feel free to go over what she said. "So you want me to do x and y and z and a? Great. I just want to make sure I understood correctly. (This way she can't say, well you didn't write this down. Because your reviewed it with her)
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amother




Forestgreen


Post  Thu, Jan 10 2019, 12:28 pm
amother wrote:
If you are new at the job, you should write down as she's talking even if your are listening and understanding. (It makes the person feel like your paying attention-
I would recommend this even if you didn't have issues with her).
In this situation, it would also help to have a "record".
When she is done, you can feel free to go over what she said. "So you want me to do x and y and z and a? Great. I just want to make sure I understood correctly. (This way she can't say, well you didn't write this down. Because your reviewed it with her)

I will do that but I don’t think it will help. She is just rude and giving me textures but thinking’s I can’t disprove like don’t think about your family at work. You need to think and not just do stuff without thinking. Btw I am known by everyone as extremely smart and this job is very easy. I didn’t make any careless mistakes and I probably can’t write everything. I need to say something to let her know she can’t talk down to me. What is a good thing to say to her?
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Vintage




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jan 10 2019, 12:31 pm
abound wrote:
It is hard to tell you how to stand up for yourself, you are the only one there and have the dynamics. Recorders are becoming more common place for busy ppl to keep track of things, it may not be so over the top like you think.
If you give examples of things she said or does maybe we can help you brainstorm how to react.
Most off if you portray confidence then it is harder to bully you.


It can be hard to assert yourself especially in an environment where it sounds like you are the only frum woman in the office.

Being cheerful and showing acceptance of her may go a long ways toward getting her to back off and being so critical of you.
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amother




Forestgreen


Post  Thu, Jan 10 2019, 12:42 pm
Vintage wrote:
It can be hard to assert yourself especially in an environment where it sounds like you are the only frum woman in the office.

Being cheerful and showing acceptance of her may go a long ways toward getting her to back off and being so critical of you.

That’s exactly what I did until now. I was cheerful I gave her compliments but it only got worse. I need to be assertive. Everyone else likes me and I don’t stress my being frum.
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SixOfWands




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jan 10 2019, 12:43 pm
Iymnok wrote:
When she starts giving you instructions for the project, take out your phone to record it saying that you want to remember everything she tells you.
Then when she claims to have told you something she didn’t you have proof.
Is there an HR dept.? Talk to them.


Recording her is really passive-aggressive, and is likely to make the situation even worse.

Take notes. Confirm what she said -- just to sum up, I'm doing x, y, z. Anything else? Great.

If it gets out of hand, do the confirmation by email instead of orally. Make it casual -- you've asked me to do x, y, z. Let me know if there's anything else you needed.
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amother




Forestgreen


Post  Thu, Jan 10 2019, 1:05 pm
SixOfWands wrote:
Recording her is really passive-aggressive, and is likely to make the situation even worse.

Take notes. Confirm what she said -- just to sum up, I'm doing x, y, z. Anything else? Great.

If it gets out of hand, do the confirmation by email instead of orally. Make it casual -- you've asked me to do x, y, z. Let me know if there's anything else you needed.

I also think that recording is too much. I’m going to take notes but she is also complaining about random made up stuff. What is a good line to tell her when she does that??? To be assertive and let her know she can’t do that.
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abound




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jan 10 2019, 1:10 pm
I like the idea of emailing her after to confirm and ask if there is anything else she wants. About your family, the next time she says something, look her in the eye (do not waver) and say I love my family but work is my priority when I am here, all with a freindly face but a determined look. See if that stops her. Would that work?
Truth is that with some ppl you can never win, learn to live with it and kill her with cheerfulness. Itll kill her that she cannot get to you, but it will probably get worse before it gets better.
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Vintage




 
 
 


Post  Thu, Jan 10 2019, 1:52 pm
amother wrote:
I also think that recording is too much. I’m going to take notes but she is also complaining about random made up stuff. What is a good line to tell her when she does that??? To be assertive and let her know she can’t do that.


''I don't believe you gave me that item to do earlier, perhaps you thought about it but didn't say it? I have done that on occasion. NP, I will put it on my to do list right now. Anything else?''

Telling her she can't do something will probably get you in a different kind of muddle with her which I wouldn't go there. Try to be accommodating but clear and firm, and try to side step where you can, while doing everything within your power to nail down and document what your duties are and document the instruction she gives you.

You don't know the root of her problems. Maybe she feels under pressure to do a great job and before you arrived she was reprimanded. She may have a lot going on mentally and truly has a problem where she thinks she tells you things that she only thought but didn't say.
Try including her in your davening. You want to protect yourself and be assertive while not giving her any handles for a power struggle. It does take some savvy to do that.
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amother




Mauve


Post  Thu, Jan 10 2019, 2:32 pm
amother wrote:
I started working in an office. I got the job because I know the owners. It is a very big company and I hardly see the owner. Everyone is very nice including the administrator. All of them are non Jews. One women is a very rude difficult person. The problem is that she is the one who is teaching me the job. I heard her complaining and saying bad stuff about another woman in the office who is very nice. One customer complaint about her that she is very rude. Idk what to do because I don’t want to complain to the administrator. She is just kind of crazy. she is saying that she asked me to do stuff but she didn’t. I think she believes that she did. Like little details she forgot to mention. She also giving me mini lectures about me having to pay attention and to remember stuff. I know I have good memory and other coworkers are happy with my work. I’m trying not to talk to her but I can’t not talk to her completely. What is the best way to deal with her. Until now I tried not to confront her but I realize now that I have to tell her to stop somehow because she is afraid to do it to anyone else and she always does it when we are alone.


I would tell her that I work best with the written word. So besides for doing what you suggested - write down everything that she tells me to do, and confirm via email that it has been done - I would also ask for feedback via the written word too. Any complaints, issues and follow-up should come via email or paper to you. This way you have a record of everything if you need to go above her head and to protect yourself.

You've mentioned that she is teaching you the job. Once that's done, will you be working on your own, or will she still be on top of you? If its only a short term temporary thing, can you just grin and bear it till its over?
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amother




Forestgreen


Post  Thu, Jan 10 2019, 3:23 pm
It’s basically temporary. I went to work today and idk what happened but was better. The worker who is above her was there and I was talking to her. I decided not to be very friendly to her because she is a miserable person so I am just assertive and polite. Maybe she complained about me and the supervisor told that I am a good worker and that she can’t get me in trouble.
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amother




Forestgreen


Post  Thu, Jan 10 2019, 3:28 pm
amother wrote:
I will do that but I don’t think it will help. She is just rude and giving me textures but thinking’s I can’t disprove like don’t think about your family at work. You need to think and not just do stuff without thinking. Btw I am known by everyone as extremely smart and this job is very easy. I didn’t make any careless mistakes and I probably can’t write everything. I need to say something to let her know she can’t talk down to me. What is a good thing to say to her?

Good respond. I will try that. I hope I won’t need to use it.
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