Pet peeves at others' shabbat tables you try not to do

33055

Sat, Jan 12 2019, 11:48 pm

little neshamala wrote:

I dont think im an ungrateful little brat. Im really a very non-picky, easy going person. But saying "if you dont like how I host then dont come" is like, wow, really? Youre that stuck in your ways that you dont even care to hear about the ways you can make your guests feel more comfortable?

And you know what, as a teenager who had lost her father and couldnt bear to watch her mother cry as she made kiddush for us chuldren, declining peoples well meaning invitations simply was not an option. It was a lifesaver for us, even if it wasnt easy.

As I said, there were hosts who just got it. And very likely, they are on here, being very receptive to peoples' input and not getting defensive about their mistakes.

It was HUMILIATING for my brother to squirm and mutter an excuse about not having anything to say on the parsha.
It was VERY UNCOMFORTABLE to ask a noisy table of guests to please pass the water from all the way at the end of the table, fill my glass, 15 minutes later my mouth is dry again but the water is at the other end again....and again....and again.

I am not really upset at the hosts who made a mistake-they didnt know, they didnt realize. Hey, we're all human. But I am so upset at the defensive reactions of "hey you dont like it, leave". Why dont you care about making people comfortable?? What is so difficult about saying "good point, I didnt pay attention in the past, ill try to keep it in mind..."

Why don't you care about being nice to people welcoming your family into their houses? Why don't you show gratitude to those that included your family?

I if I open my home to anyone including a family with multiple children, don't try to control what goes on in my home. I spend a lot of time cooking and baking and shopping and cleaning before and after. I am not interested in complaints. I am serious about not coming back. I am changing nothing for complaining people. So why make both of us aggravated?

FTR, DH doesn't go around asking people to introduce themselves, nor speak on the parsha, but if he did I would fully support him because my shalom bias comes first.

DH cuts the challah and gives eveyone a generous piece, ...the uncut challah remains on the board. If you can't speak up, then do without. We put out around15 dips expecting people to only take a small portion to eat with their challah and fish. I prepare nice food and rather people eat the food I prepare than fill up on challah.

If I serve too much fish, I get complaints that they have no room for the main course. You can't please everyone, so I just please DH. My silverware contains one knife for each place setting, but I do put plastic wear in the center of the table for those that want more cutlery.

I really don't want to hear anything more than a thank you when someone leaves.

amother

Pumpkin

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 12:13 am

Spoken as a true introvert:

What's so humiliating about asking someone to pass the water? It's a normal part of eating with others. I put out multiple pitchers for a crowd (plus other drinks) but since it's not one pitcher per person, someone is still going to have to ask to have a drink passed.

When we have a large crowd, we do ask people to say their names and where they are from. Believe it or not, that leads to real conversation. I'm not interested in just providing food. I'd like to get to know my guests a little bit. If I'm just a restaurant, maybe I should charge for meals.

While the suggestions seem mostly fine to me, they came across as entitled. Sometimes, people don't run the shabbos table the way you would like. So what? It's one meal.

iluvy

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 12:34 am

Squishy wrote:

I do not understand the mindset of doing the mitzvah of hachnosas orchim and having absolutely zero interest in how you can make your guests more comfortable.

etky

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 12:46 am

amother wrote:

Yes to the plastic flatware. Unless I’m a yeshiva Bochur or it’s a meal of 30 ppl it would bother me (theoretically!)

However I recently move to a new community and was so pleased and grateful to each person who invited me and spent effort hosting us, with their own quirks. Bh nothing was gross, but everyone had their own type of food/ serving style/ conversation style etc and I so enjoyed every minute. Promptly forgetting and mostly not noticing all this minute detail.

So, the contrast between the tenor of this post and the OP sums up what bothers me about this thread.
Yes, it's a great topic and this is a very enlightening thread!
But, the fact that is was broached as a critical collation of peeves culled from the generous hospitality of many families who, as I understand it, are the type of hosts who regularly open their homes to people, often with no expectation of reciprocation, is somewhat disturbing to me.
I would be mortified and upset if a guest wrote a critical post that coldly picked apart my hosting style. I know that this is all anonymous but I still find the idea upsetting.

SixOfWands

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 1:03 am

etky wrote:

Thanks for saying this so clearly.

If I noticed that a guest was unusually thirsty, constantly asking for water, I might bring out another pitcher. Or if they wanted a lot of salad 🥗 I’d offer a larger plate, or suggest they use their dinner plate, which I’d replace before the next course.

But if they posted a “pet peeve” — that I spent hours cooking and cleaning and lots of money on food, but it just wasn’t up to snuff for them because everything wasn’t positioned close enough to them, or they didn’t like the kind of china I used — I wouldn’t want that person in my home again.

DREAMING

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 1:06 am

nachlaot wrote:

for me, this is a tough one. guys who are good eaters often want seconds or even thirds of something, and will take more of something if it's in front of them but don't want to have to ask rachel to ask shmuel to ask benji to ask chana to pass a bulky tray of chicken. the people in the center of the table often have better access to the food, and the people at the end of the table are stuck needing to ask people every time they want more.

so, I feel like you do have to be conscious of people wanting more, without being the annoying grandma about it. we're never sure how exactly to work this.

In a crowd We like to have several smaller platters which make passing things easier.

Amelia Bedelia

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 2:11 am

amother wrote:

You're right that it's not humiliating to ask someone to pass the water once. Or twice. But I personally would feel uncomfortable constantly asking to have the water sent my way. I drink lots of water during my Shabbos meals.

Thanks, OP. Never thought of some of these tips. Will keep it in mind next time I host.

Harried mama

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 2:11 am

Squishy wrote:

The only thing that would bother me in your post is the challah. I think many people wouldn't be comfortable asking to have another slice cut for them. I would likely choose to do without rather than ask, even if I would really want one. We generally put out 2 challah baskets, one at each end of the table, and people are encouraged to take as much as they like. Most adults realize that there's more food coming and they shouldn't fill up on challah, and if they choose to do so anyway, that's their prerogative.

amother

Blush

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 4:26 am

nachlaot wrote:

hi, what are some minor things that other hosts do that annoy you, that you try to avoid doing at your own shabbat meals?

we're BTs and we got set up with meals at many different families when we were becoming religious. now what we're hosting meals ourselves, it turned out to be very useful to go to so many different tables and figure out what we liked and didn't like, what works and doesn't work, etc.

the purpose of my question isn't to criticize other hosts. it's to get ideas of little things that are important to guests, so we can improve our shabbats.

I'll start with a few little things that annoyed us at other shabbat tables that don't do with our meals:

- not having enough beverages on the table, especially water. if you're at the end of the table, you don't want to have to keep asking people to pass the water. even worse, you don't want to have to keep awkwardly asking people to pass the wine and seem like a drunkard. we usually host about 8 people, and put at least three bottles of seltzer and two pitchers of flat water and at least two open bottles of wine out on the table, and we're replacing them as they go empty. water is free, seltzer (sodastream) is very cheap. no reason not to have these in abundance.

- using tiny plates for the dips/appetizers/salad/fish course. some hosts have an amazing spread with many great apps, salads, etc. and 10 different things going around the table, but their plates are so tiny that you can only put a few lettuce leaves on the plate. we use full-size disposable plates, just as for the main meal.

- not having giving drinkers separate cups for water and wine. people drinking wine still want water. we just put down a wine glass and a regular glass at every seat. it could even be two cheap plastic glasses.

- "go around the table and say something" icebreakers. we find these annoying. people who like to talk just go on and on, or use it as an excuse to brag. either everyone else sits there bored, or side conversations develop and nobody's listening by the time it goes around the table. instead of an icebreaker, at the beginning of the meal, we quickly introduce everyone and say how we know them.

- telling guests "we have more of X in the kitchen and just ask if I should bring out more X." you made a ton of food for your guests to enjoy -- just bring it out! nobody wants to awkwardly ask for more and seem like the pig. we either put everything out or are proactive about refilling stuff.

- not making sure serving dishes are getting passed around. sometimes there's a natural bottleneck. sometimes a guest is inconsiderate and just puts 5 different dishes down in front of him/her and doesn't get the concept of "take and pass." the host should keep an eye to make sure everything is moving.

Different people like different things and so it's good everyone does it differently! I absolutely love Ice breakers! The family I went to a bunch of times always mixes up their guests and they do mention to keep it short. He always says: it's an icebreaker ,not a therapy session! It's tons of fun and helps you start a conversation with whoever is sitting next to you.

2. I don't mind asking for more food that's in he kitchen. Totally understand that the hostess doesn't want to have all her dishes dirty so she can put everything on the table. If you're too shy to ask.. work on that!

3. I agree with the water. Some people only put soda and wine on the table. I only drink water. But since I usually come early to help set the table I ask if I can take some water aswell and I've never been told no Smile

it's always good to open ones mouth and ask!

amother

Blush

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 4:30 am

SixOfWands wrote:

I'm that unusually thirsty guest LOL

I don't know why but I drink as much during one shabbos seuda as I drink in 2 days during the week. One time I went to a family who had hosted me a few times already and they had put 2 soda bottles right next to my seat as a joke Very Happy

imasoftov

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 5:58 am

Rutabaga wrote:

This has only happened to me once so it's not really a pet peeve, but please let your guests know if you serve differently than they might expect. When I was single I once went to a meal where there were tons of dips put out for the first course. I don't love dips and prefer to save my calories for real food so I ate very little. The table was cleared and all that came out for the next course were small individual bowls of cholent. I went home hungry.

My mother always served family style, but she sent out each category at the same time so guests would know what their choices are. IOW, two veggie sides sent out, then two starchy sides, then meat and chicken. That way people could decide if they wanted something as it was passed around without wondering what their other options would be. I try to do that too.

I've heard from more than one person going to a meal where there was fish and soup and then dessert and wish they had been told so they wouldn't have passed on seconds when offered.

33055

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 8:08 am

Harried mama wrote:

I hear this.

My point is that this is how DH runs his Shabbos table. He does not like to cut the challah until it is wanted as he likes it fresh from the loaf. I don't feel strong enough about this or any issue to ask him to do different.

There are enough complaints on this thread that you can see you can't please every guest, so I only try to please DH.

octopus

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 8:14 am

haha! The people that claim it's my way or the highway or who claim op must be rigid usually are the ones that sound the most rigid on this board! How ironic! Op, don't take it to heart. Just a grain of salt.

And don't worry about the obesity epidemic on your guests' cheshbon. Can't Believe It

What a comment!
Anyway, an appetizer is an appetizer and isn't meant to be served on a full sized plate. Real dish sets come with an appetizer plate, the plastic kind happen to be much smaller than real.

I hate being a guest in other peoples houses and rarely (once in a decade) eat at other people for shabbos. Some people just don't know how to host. If you are going to do it, do it right. And don't starve your guests.

And the people with allergies: I am going to sound critical but also understand I have a kid with allergies and I'm not coming from a place of zero tolerance. If you have an allergy, TELL YOUR HOSTESS EARLY ENOUGH! This is your responsibility. Tell her what the issues are in advance.