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Pet peeves at others' shabbat tables you try not to do
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amother
Slateblue


 

Post Sat, Jan 12 2019, 8:48 pm
Cheiny wrote:

2) We eat often at someone’s home whose son has zero table manners (he’s age 15), doesn’t use utensils, only his hands (pulls a chicken cutlet or piece of deli roll off the common platter with his hands, then eats it with his fingers, pulling pieces off it and shoving them in his mouth). I’m constantly shocked that his parents don’t try to correct him...they certainly have better manners.

My son has the worst table manners. He doesn’t just touch his food with his hands, he manipulates it and squishes it... because his hands are always dirty theres usually a pile of icky napkins near his plate. He wipes his hands in his shirt n pants, he doesn’t stay in his seat and gets in other peoples space. My other kids refuse to sit next to him.
I’ve taken him to ot, and for a while used to remind him once n then take his plate. I gave up on that cuz he leaves the table hungry.
Dh lives to invite guests n I feel uncomfortable putting them in the position of having to put up with his awful eating habits.
Any ideas on how to handle this?
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little neshamala




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jan 12 2019, 8:49 pm
MrsDash wrote:
Agreed. People have become ungrateful little brats.


I dont think im an ungrateful little brat. Im really a very non-picky, easy going person. But saying "if you dont like how I host then dont come" is like, wow, really? Youre that stuck in your ways that you dont even care to hear about the ways you can make your guests feel more comfortable?

And you know what, as a teenager who had lost her father and couldnt bear to watch her mother cry as she made kiddush for us chuldren, declining peoples well meaning invitations simply was not an option. It was a lifesaver for us, even if it wasnt easy.

As I said, there were hosts who just got it. And very likely, they are on here, being very receptive to peoples' input and not getting defensive about their mistakes.

It was HUMILIATING for my brother to squirm and mutter an excuse about not having anything to say on the parsha.
It was VERY UNCOMFORTABLE to ask a noisy table of guests to please pass the water from all the way at the end of the table, fill my glass, 15 minutes later my mouth is dry again but the water is at the other end again....and again....and again.

I am not really upset at the hosts who made a mistake-they didnt know, they didnt realize. Hey, we're all human. But I am so upset at the defensive reactions of "hey you dont like it, leave". Why dont you care about making people comfortable?? What is so difficult about saying "good point, I didnt pay attention in the past, ill try to keep it in mind..."
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ectomorph




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jan 12 2019, 8:50 pm
Cheiny wrote:
That’s not reasonable..,.do you really think someone will tell the host in advance to buy extra dips for them?
I think that the guests in this thread sound extremely ungrateful and critical

when you get invited ounce you should expect a normal meal with minor variations

yes the host should warn you of major variations but minor variations are normal
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amother
Orchid


 

Post Sat, Jan 12 2019, 8:58 pm
So now I'm really feeling paranoid.
A) my husband drinks from the kiddish cup then serves everyone from it.
B) I only have one set of cups for water
C) my salad plates are not huge
D) I only use 1 or 2 towels for trying hands
E) I usually put out 2 pitchers of water and 2 bottles of seltzer
F) usually the challa is near my husband
G)I find myself saying I have plenty of food in the kitchen if you'd like more
H) I only put knives out for the main course
I) my kids will sometimes ask questions that are highly inappropriate and will often have imperfect table manners.
So now I'd have to go out and buy new dishes that have 2 dinner plates, a set of wine glasses, new set of cutlery that include 2 knives
After shabbos have lots of extra dishes
Or use lots of extra paper dishes

I haven't been having guests lately because I work hard to put together a nice meal and I haven't been feeling great because of pregnancy.

All I can say is that my guests are super grateful. Are always full when they leave. I think my imperfections are what make them feel comfortable. If everything was so perfect I don't think they would ever want to be a host themselves and They probably would not want to come back. They think my kids are great. They love my challa...salads and chicken...cholent...
We mothers are humans. This is not a restaurant that you give ideas to the owner so that he can improve his business. You can maybe give ideas how you were a great guest by getting up to clear the table during the meal and how the hostess really appreciated it. Or how you went over before shabbos and brought along wine glasses and washed them after the meal for your hosts.
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amother
Wine


 

Post Sat, Jan 12 2019, 9:05 pm
amother wrote:
So now I'm really feeling paranoid.
A) my husband drinks from the kiddish cup then serves everyone from it.
B) I only have one set of cups for water
C) my salad plates are not huge
D) I only use 1 or 2 towels for trying hands
E) I usually put out 2 pitchers of water and 2 bottles of seltzer
F) usually the challa is near my husband
G)I find myself saying I have plenty of food in the kitchen if you'd like more
H) I only put knives out for the main course
I) my kids will sometimes ask questions that are highly inappropriate and will often have imperfect table manners.
So now I'd have to go out and buy new dishes that have 2 dinner plates, a set of wine glasses, new set of cutlery that include 2 knives
After shabbos have lots of extra dishes
Or use lots of extra paper dishes

I haven't been having guests lately because I work hard to put together a nice meal and I haven't been feeling great because of pregnancy.

All I can say is that my guests are super grateful. Are always full when they leave. I think my imperfections are what make them feel comfortable. If everything was so perfect I don't think they would ever want to be a host themselves and They probably would not want to come back. They think my kids are great. They love my challa...salads and chicken...cholent...
We mothers are humans. This is not a restaurant that you give ideas to the owner so that he can improve his business. You can maybe give ideas how you were a great guest by getting up to clear the table during the meal and how the hostess really appreciated it. Or how you went over before shabbos and brought along wine glasses and washed them after the meal for your hosts.


The only one that would bother me is A. I’m pretty squeamish. My husband has a small pitcher with some grape juice already in it, and he’ll pour into there before drinking himself. I’m really not comfortable with a stranger’s germs.

As a hostess, I try my best to make my guests feel comfortable. As a guest, I’m not insulted if things aren’t done exactly as I’m used to (first course, plate sizes, etc.) But I do think this thread has some interesting things to keep in mind, like not putting people on the spot. I didn’t find the topic insulting.
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Ema of 5




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jan 12 2019, 9:07 pm
Rachel Shira wrote:
Don’t yell at your kids with guests over. We go to one family sometimes who does this and it makes me so uncomfortable. I’m talking constant raised voices and unnecessary criticism.
Ask couples if they want to sit next to each other (if it’s possible to arrange it like that).
Don’t comment on people’s food choices and what they are or aren’t eating. Just so wrong. As a guest this makes me feel awful.

Don’t come to my house then. I will most definitely discipline my children if they need disciplining. If I need to yell I will probably take my child aside, but sometimes that’s just not possible. For example, today, one of my children was really just off the wall, and there was no way to keep the disciplining away from the table.
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Ema of 5




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jan 12 2019, 9:13 pm
Iymnok wrote:
Except when that’s the halacha. We fill the small glasses before kiddush. When we have guests Dh fills a second becher to pour from.
The first pouring from the kiddush cup should go to the one who made kiddush. He could pit into his own glass to ensure that he gets enough. (Malei lugmav, revi'is, 1/2 kos)

In Israel there are 2 sizes of plastic plates. The small ones are the size of my Noritake dessert plates. The bigger ones are like my salad plates. Those are way too small to be dinner and salad plates. Even though my dinner plates are 10", the design around the edge encourages people to use the middle, so it’s really an area of 8" for the main course, plenry of space without overlapping.

My pet peeve is disposable flatware. If it’s really cheap it just won’t do the job.
Also, always have serving utensils and extra napkins.
If you have to add a leaf to your table, then you need another pitcher od water. Always refill the water.

I’m not understanding what you are saying about pouring from kiddush.
My husband makes kiddush, pours some into an already waiting pitcher which gets passed around, and then drinks rov kos.
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Ema of 5




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jan 12 2019, 9:15 pm
amother wrote:
Provide a fish (salad) knife!

When we first got married, we ate out by many people who only provided a fork for the first course, while serving many dips and salads. I don't understand the reason for this, I find it hard to spread on my challah without. (Yes, I know they're called dips, but still...)

Obviously wouldn't complain about it, all provided wonderful meals - but if asking, I would recommend everyone to provide.

I use my fork to spread dips. I don’t have enough silverware to give everyone two knives...
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amother
Plum


 

Post Sat, Jan 12 2019, 9:19 pm
Ema of 4, disciplining kids does not mean constant yelling or criticism. We also go from time to time to a family that the kids constantly get criticized and yelled at. It is so so awkward. Forget about the guest, I feel so terrible for the kids that guests need to witness this.
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SixOfWands




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jan 12 2019, 9:19 pm
amother wrote:
I'm the same way. I'm vegetarian. I don't tell that to hosts because they assume they have to make a separate main course for me which I definitely don't want. I can fill up on kugel and salad and be content - it's what I would do at home. PLEASE don't watch my plate and insist that I take chicken or cholent.


I won’t insist. But please let me know. I have vegetarian meals in frequent rotation, and it’s would be no trouble to make one of them when you’re invited. It’s no bother, and I want to be sure you eat. Especially since I rarely make kugel.

As to the rest ... my table isn’t particularly large, and it gets crowded with all of the serving dishes on it. So I’m not going to put out multiples of the same thing unless I’m using 2 tables (which I sometimes have to do). If you’re too shy to ask someone to pass it to you, then maybe my home isn’t for you. And you can use the same knife for the salad and meat course unless you used it for fish. If you did, let me know and I’ll bring you a clean one. But like most people, I don’t have several dozen knives, as would be needed to give everyone 2.
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SixOfWands




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jan 12 2019, 9:21 pm
Ema of 4 wrote:
I’m not understanding what you are saying about pouring from kiddush.
My husband makes kiddush, pours some into an already waiting pitcher which gets passed around, and then drinks rov kos.


Some people drink from the cup first, then pour it over for others.
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amother
Plum


 

Post Sat, Jan 12 2019, 9:21 pm
Amother orchid, you're doing fine besides for that your DH drinks from kiddush and then gives to the guests from the same cup. That's disgusting.
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jan 12 2019, 9:23 pm
Didn't read 5 pages of replies, but for me it's removing cups and drinks before dessert. Many people seem to do this as they clear the table of the meal before serving dessert, but you have plenty of time to get thirsty again before you leave.

That's my only real pet peeve. I am generally unspoiled, tend to look for the good in others, and have no shame in asking for things to be passed or whatever. Definitely water should always be available, some people just serve soda, but I'd just ask for some.
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ectomorph




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jan 12 2019, 9:25 pm
amother wrote:
So now I'm really feeling paranoid.
A) my husband drinks from the kiddish cup then serves everyone from it.
B) I only have one set of cups for water
C) my salad plates are not huge
D) I only use 1 or 2 towels for trying hands
E) I usually put out 2 pitchers of water and 2 bottles of seltzer
F) usually the challa is near my husband
G)I find myself saying I have plenty of food in the kitchen if you'd like more
H) I only put knives out for the main course
I) my kids will sometimes ask questions that are highly inappropriate and will often have imperfect table manners.
So now I'd have to go out and buy new dishes that have 2 dinner plates, a set of wine glasses, new set of cutlery that include 2 knives
After shabbos have lots of extra dishes
Or use lots of extra paper dishes

I haven't been having guests lately because I work hard to put together a nice meal and I haven't been feeling great because of pregnancy.

All I can say is that my guests are super grateful. Are always full when they leave. I think my imperfections are what make them feel comfortable. If everything was so perfect I don't think they would ever want to be a host themselves and They probably would not want to come back. They think my kids are great. They love my challa...salads and chicken...cholent...
We mothers are humans. This is not a restaurant that you give ideas to the owner so that he can improve his business. You can maybe give ideas how you were a great guest by getting up to clear the table during the meal and how the hostess really appreciated it. Or how you went over before shabbos and brought along wine glasses and washed them after the meal for your hosts.
I'll come lol
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seeker




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jan 12 2019, 9:28 pm
For those concerned about the Kiddush-maker drinking from the cup before pouring for guests, do as I do and don't drink from it.

For the hosts, they should consider this. But for the guests, instead of being "disgusted" just pass.
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Ema of 5




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jan 12 2019, 9:29 pm
amother wrote:
So now I'm really feeling paranoid.
A) my husband drinks from the kiddish cup then serves everyone from it.
B) I only have one set of cups for water
C) my salad plates are not huge
D) I only use 1 or 2 towels for trying hands
E) I usually put out 2 pitchers of water and 2 bottles of seltzer
F) usually the challa is near my husband
G)I find myself saying I have plenty of food in the kitchen if you'd like more
H) I only put knives out for the main course
I) my kids will sometimes ask questions that are highly inappropriate and will often have imperfect table manners.
So now I'd have to go out and buy new dishes that have 2 dinner plates, a set of wine glasses, new set of cutlery that include 2 knives
After shabbos have lots of extra dishes
Or use lots of extra paper dishes

I haven't been having guests lately because I work hard to put together a nice meal and I haven't been feeling great because of pregnancy.

All I can say is that my guests are super grateful. Are always full when they leave. I think my imperfections are what make them feel comfortable. If everything was so perfect I don't think they would ever want to be a host themselves and They probably would not want to come back. They think my kids are great. They love my challa...salads and chicken...cholent...
We mothers are humans. This is not a restaurant that you give ideas to the owner so that he can improve his business. You can maybe give ideas how you were a great guest by getting up to clear the table during the meal and how the hostess really appreciated it. Or how you went over before shabbos and brought along wine glasses and washed them after the meal for your hosts.

You can come to my house any time, we are also not perfect!!!!
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Ema of 5




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jan 12 2019, 9:32 pm
SixOfWands wrote:
Some people drink from the cup first, then pour it over for others.

I was speaking to the person I quoted, who quoted a Halacha. (Sorry if that was you, I’m really bad with names here!!) I just didn’t understand what she was saying about two cups, and pouring and not pouring.
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Cheiny




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jan 12 2019, 9:36 pm
amother wrote:
So now I'm really feeling paranoid.
A) my husband drinks from the kiddish cup then serves everyone from it.
B) I only have one set of cups for water
C) my salad plates are not huge
D) I only use 1 or 2 towels for trying hands
E) I usually put out 2 pitchers of water and 2 bottles of seltzer
F) usually the challa is near my husband
G)I find myself saying I have plenty of food in the kitchen if you'd like more
H) I only put knives out for the main course
I) my kids will sometimes ask questions that are highly inappropriate and will often have imperfect table manners.
So now I'd have to go out and buy new dishes that have 2 dinner plates, a set of wine glasses, new set of cutlery that include 2 knives
After shabbos have lots of extra dishes
Or use lots of extra paper dishes

I haven't been having guests lately because I work hard to put together a nice meal and I haven't been feeling great because of pregnancy.

All I can say is that my guests are super grateful. Are always full when they leave. I think my imperfections are what make them feel comfortable. If everything was so perfect I don't think they would ever want to be a host themselves and They probably would not want to come back. They think my kids are great. They love my challa...salads and chicken...cholent...
We mothers are humans. This is not a restaurant that you give ideas to the owner so that he can improve his business. You can maybe give ideas how you were a great guest by getting up to clear the table during the meal and how the hostess really appreciated it. Or how you went over before shabbos and brought along wine glasses and washed them after the meal for your hosts.


Sorry, but item A is absolutely inexcusable! You would have no problem drinking from the same cup as your host? Seriously? It’s unsanitary and also gross!
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Cheiny




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jan 12 2019, 9:39 pm
seeker wrote:
For those concerned about the Kiddush-maker drinking from the cup before pouring for guests, do as I do and don't drink from it.

For the hosts, they should consider this. But for the guests, instead of being "disgusted" just pass.


Then you’re not yotzei on kiddish.
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Ema of 5




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jan 12 2019, 9:40 pm
I don’t even understand how the host drinking from the cup before pouring would work if the wife is nida. Isn’t she not allowed to drink from his cup? So if he drinks before pouring off, what does she drink?
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