Son had a fight in school

amother

Ivory

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 11:07 am

My 7th grade son is very overweight. He struggles with this and is embarrassed about it. Earlier in the year another boy in his class started calling him fatso. My son was deeply hurt by it and would literally cry at home. We called the rebbe and principal about it and the other boy was spoken to and had some small punishment such as losing recess. Unfortunately he would still call my son fatso every so often. Last week a second boy started calling him fatso as well. I just got a call from the menahel who left a message that my son punched a kid in the face. The menahel wants us to come down for a meeting. My husband told me that he instructed our son that if anyone tries to bully or make fun of his weight, he should punch the boy in the face. This all happened an hour ago and I'm processing it. I need an unbiased fair opinion on these events. Was my son out of line? As his mother, it breaks my heart to see him come home crying that boys are calling him names.

CPenzias

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 11:23 am

Good for your son! All the other boy got was losing recess? How much verbal abuse should your son have to endure?
Hopefully now they'll leave him alone. I would definitely defend your son.

ra_mom

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 11:25 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

Defend your son to the end. Good for him. If you call someone fatso you deserve a punch in the face.

This. Take a strong stance against the bullying he's been on the receiving end of. Do not back down. Advocate for your son. You're the only one who can do this for him. Make sure you make this about the other kids bullying him and do not back down. Don't allow them to convince you otherwise. They must take a no tolerance stance against the bullying.

amother

Papaya

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 11:26 am

Please, please, please give your son tools to deal with bullying. See a professional if you're having a hard time finding information on this topic. The school should do its part in prevention, but it's your job as parents to empower your son to respond in ways that cut the bullying cycle. Punching may or may not accomplish this, but certainly isn't a tool for dealing with bullies in other situations. He needs more tools in his arsenal.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 11:36 am

If your child is experiencing injustice in any form, please let them know that you will always have their back, no matter what!

Middle school is a nightmare, and this is a pivotal time for kids. Getting some extra advice is a good idea.

Rappel

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 11:40 am

Guess I'm late to the party. Smile

Like everyone else said: Back your son to the hilt. He just pulled a very gutsy move, on his father's advice, and now he needs to know he was right to stand up for himself. Let the teachers and principal pout; he defended himself, and that is fabulous.

nchr

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 11:44 am

Yes, your son was out of line. Physical violence is never acceptable. As other posters said, please help your son learn to deal with the bullying in other ways and get the school on board. A child calling another fatso should be suspended and expelled permanently if it doesn't stop; however, physical violence can also not be tolerated.

amother

Maroon

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 11:45 am

So I feel a little differently to the other posters.

Yes, you should definitely back him and demand that the school have a better stance against bullying.

BUT I don't think you should be encouraging him to hit others, but rather empower him with other tools to deal with it. You don't want to be teaching that the way to stand up for yourself in life is by hitting others, that might not stand him in good stead.

abound

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 11:51 am

a punch of the face as a one off event will not hurt a child, emotional abuse/ie. bullying could scar a child for a lifetime!
Tell this to the menahel and ask him why he did not call down the parents of the other child, the scars are way worse.
The school will react like the last two posters, so in order for you to be heard make sure to tell them you will tell your child not to hit anymore and you are taking care of this at home Since he was hurt enough in school, you would like the punishment to remain between you and your child. Demand they take care of the bullying situation.

amother

Smokey

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 11:53 am

Our son suffered from a bully. We told him to walk away, not hit, all the appropriate things. Nothing helped. Then he stood up and let the bully have it- guess what- that kid never bothered him or others again. Some bullies don’t understand any other language.

mommy3b2c

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 11:55 am

nchr wrote:

Yes, your son was out of line. Physical violence is never acceptable. As other posters said, please help your son looks earn to deal with the bullying in other ways and get the school on board. A child calling another fatso should be suspended and expelled permanently if it doesn't stop; however, physical violence can also not be tolerated.

Wrong. The school had a chance to defend him. They didn’t do their job. He did the best he could.

amother

Papaya

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 11:58 am

amother wrote:

Walk away is not the appropriate thing. He can learn how to talk back. Yes, it works.

nchr

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 12:01 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

Wrong. The school had a chance to defend him. They didn’t do their job. He did the best he could.

The school had a job to defend him, but hitting is always unacceptable. Two wrongs dont make a right. Is this your rationale for a bullied shooter? Give me a break.

nchr

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 12:04 pm

amother wrote:

But where is the school in this? A bully shouldn't be in school if he cannot behave. I'm not understanding what's going on here.

amother

Royalblue

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 12:14 pm

I just want to say that I hope the school deals with the bully appropriately. My brother was bullied in ninth grade. Thanks to that boy my brother is completely not frum today. Bh he is getting the help he needs. He was a good boy and never had an issue ever in a school before. The bully was one of the schools supporters son and they wouldnt risk doing anything about it. My brother is only 17 and hasn't been in a normal school since he is 15.
The schools have alot of blood on their hands when they dont take care of things correctly.

amother

Seashell

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 12:45 pm

The schools do nothing to help bullied kids in the majority of our schools. One smart retort less punishable than punching is saying "oh yeah, well then I will sit on you" and wrestle the kid down and sit on him, not the face, somehow it will put smaller bullies in place not to bother him again without getting him in much trouble and learning to stand up for himself. I taught the medium route, dont hit/punch/kick unless the other boy does it first, but if they do, you must do it back hard or school bullying will become an ongoing nightmare. But your son would greatly benefit take a skills class on dealing with the bullies productively and knowing when to retort and how to vs is he capable of successfully ignoring, many nice kids dont have a poker face to pull that off.

At the meeting I recommend you at most say you understand that punching the kid in the face wasnt the best method and will deal with it at home, let your husband do all the rest of the talking and defend your son. The men "take it" from other men much more effectively than from women.

mommy3b2c

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 12:52 pm

nchr wrote:

The school had a job to defend him, but hitting is always unacceptable. Two wrongs dont make a right. Is this your rationale for a bullied shooter? Give me a break.

Because shooting is the same thing as a punch in the face?

amother

White

Sun, Jan 13 2019, 12:54 pm

A punch or slap in the face hurts for a bit and you go on with life. Words however, can ruin a person forever.
But, bullying and violence are both no no's and should not be tolerated. At the meeting you must stick up for your son, but at home you need to teach him that violence wont get him anywhere in life.