Son had a fight in school

amother

Forestgreen

Mon, Jan 14 2019, 4:17 pm

amother wrote:

I don't think violence is the solution. That being said your son should be taught how to cope when people call him names.

What I teach my kids is to never defend themselves to a bully but instead answer in a way that will completely confuse and silence the bully:

example: you're stupid
answer: hmmm yes I guess I could use some help in math but I'm getting a tutor so hopefully things will look up in the future

The bully is looking for a reaction or for a confrontation. If you don't give it to him, he'll be speechless.

Next time someone calls your son fat, teach him to answer "I know. I'm working on losing some pounds though. Any tips?" What can the bully answer to that?

I like ur strategy but I dont think its so realistic for kids who are weak in expressing themselves and these are usually the kids who are bullied probably precisely because they are weaker"" in these skills. Also, these kids are usually already getting help with speech therapy..., so how would u teach a child how to respond properly""? U can't really anticipate every retort the bully will have. I, as an adult, can't always think of a good retort to adult bullies. Some ppl just have a talent for thinking of good retorts on the spot, not everyone is blessed with that talent.

dancingqueen

Mon, Jan 14 2019, 5:04 pm

Amalia wrote:

In my opinion,

It is the bully, and not OP’s son, who needs the help of a “mental health professional” to help him understand that when he is calling someone “fatso”, he is spilling this person’s blood.

It seems that many people in this world would benefit from the same kind of counseling.

In my opinion both the name-caller and ops son need help. The name-callers to learn midot and ops son better coping strategies. And probably the whole class as well. My kids schools has mental health professionals to address bullying and midot and a comprehensive bullying program.

I still maintain that a) a kid who calls another kid a mean name once can’t be called a bully just based on that one incident 2) punching someone in the face is particularly vile form of physical violence imo. Worse than pushing, tripping etc.

All you posters advocating violence, if your ds called another boy a name 1x, you’d be totally happy with him getting punched in the face?

mommy3b2c

Mon, Jan 14 2019, 5:12 pm

dancingqueen wrote:

Honestly, if my son was unprovoked and called a boy “fatso” for no good reason and then got punched in the face, I’d tell him that hopefully he learned his lesson. Bullying is bullying. Even if you only did it one time. Don’t call people fatso and you won’t get punched.

turca

Mon, Jan 14 2019, 5:49 pm

Different approaches work for different bullies... I’m a public school teacher in NYC. We’ve once had an Albanian boy being bullied by a Hispanic group.it got stopped it by teaching the Albanian boy very offensive sentences in Spanish. It did the job.
The school is 100% responsible for the boys reaction. They knew something was happening and they didn’t take care of it.

amother

Cerulean

Mon, Jan 14 2019, 5:56 pm

turca wrote:

How did the school know about it?

They knew that Boy 1 called him "Fatso." They tried to address the issue. It helped, but didn't stop the problem completely.

This is a completely different kid. Boy 2. Who never said anything before.

amother

Babyblue

Mon, Jan 14 2019, 6:42 pm

amother wrote:

You keep on mentioning this, but imo it's a nonissue in this setting.

Very likely Boy#2 called him Fatso, because Boy #1 was using it frequently and there appeared to be no repercussions for it. He was getting away with it, so Boy #2 thought it would be cool to follow suit.

And imagine if you were the bullied kid. Till now only Boy #1 was giving you h*ll, and suddenly boy #2 appears in the picture. The thought of h*ll doubling up is enough to put any person over the edge.

You can't separate the actions of boy 2 from boy 1, when it's all being directed at the same person.

amother

Cerulean

Mon, Jan 14 2019, 6:54 pm

amother wrote:

You keep on mentioning this, but imo it's a nonissue in this setting.

Most likely Boy#2 called him Fatso, because Boy #1 was using it frequently and there appeared to be no repercussions for it. He was getting away with it, so Boy #2 thought it would be cool to follow suit.

And imagine if you were the bullied kid. Till now only Boy #1 was giving you h*ll, and suddenly boy #2 appears in the picture. The thought of h*ll doubling up is enough to put any person over the edge.

You can't separate the actions of boy 2 from boy 1, when it's all being directed at the same person.

Yeah, I keep saying it because its relevant.

Because the second kid said it once, not many times. No one had ever tried to discipline him, or deal with him. Heck, we don't even know the circumstances. All we know is that he got punched in the face.

I'm not excusing the second kid, mind you. He was wrong. But did he deserve to be punched in the face? I don't think so.

How far do you go in punishing someone because of someone else's prior actions.

Kid 1 keeps interrupting the teacher. Teacher is fed up. So when Kid 2 interrupts, he's thrown out of school, although he's never done it before. Fair?

amother

Babyblue

Mon, Jan 14 2019, 6:57 pm

amother wrote:

No one here is discussing what punishment kid #2 deserves. We were discussing if the bullied kid deserves to be punished for striking kid #2. And based on what he has endured - the answer is a resounding NO, (imo).

amother

Cerulean

Mon, Jan 14 2019, 7:06 pm

amother wrote:

And I disagree. He's striking out and physically attacking another child at the first incident and provocation from that kid.

Perhaps the disciplinary measures should be tempered based on the prior incidents. But to say "yeah, go ahead, beat up anyone who says something you don't like" is wrong.

And we ARE talking about what punishment the second kid deserved. Because you're saying that he deserved to be physically assaulted with impunity.

amother

Babyblue

Mon, Jan 14 2019, 7:13 pm

amother wrote:

Absolutely not. No one is saying that boy #2 deserved to be punched if this was his first offense. What we are saying that there's a bullied kid who is tormented by another person and now someone else joined the fray. Even an adult in this situation would have issue with self control, are you really expecting a child to handle this well?

FWIW - I think boy#2 was neutralized on the spot.

Would I be allowed to ask if your kids were bullies in some way? You seem to be much more concerned that bully #2 got a punch he didn't deserve, than understanding the mind and troubles of a tortured soul.

amother

Cerulean

Mon, Jan 14 2019, 7:22 pm

amother wrote:

Gee, I don't want the school to condone a middle schooler punching another child in the face the first time there was any trouble between them, so my kids must be bullies.

Do your kids beat up on other kids, and that's why you want the kid to get away with it?

I'm concerned for both kids. You, on the other hand, don't care about the kid who was punched in the face for his first offence. Was he hurt? We don't know; you don't care. Someone else bullied the first boy, and gosh darn, its OK for him to beat up on anyone else as a result, and whatever the result

amother

Forestgreen

Mon, Jan 14 2019, 7:24 pm

amother wrote:

I disagree with u. BULLY(BOY) #2 BULLIED THE SAME VICTIM BEC HE SAW THAT THE SCHOOL DID NOTHING TO BULLY #1 except to give him loss of recess.

IF A CHILD SEES THE SCHOOL IS NOT STRICT ABOUT BULLYING THAT WILL GIVE OTHER STUDENTS THE MESSAGE THAT IT IS OKAY TO BULLY OPS SON!!
The second boy/bully copied the first boy..

If the first bully was suspended and parents were called for a meeting. ..and gave detention..and spoke to the class.....then im not so sure the other boy would be quick to bully the ops son. Yes, some kids still bully no matter but here theres a direct link auch that the schools' lack of response caused others to see its okay TO FOLLOW BULLY #1. HE WAS THE EXAMPLE!! also, he may have told boy #2 to bully op...my childs bully told others to bully my child too!! So more kids joined in!!