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S/O of S/O Pet Peeves: Who gets served first?
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amother




Jetblack


Post  Sun, Jan 13 2019, 4:46 pm
I put most things in central platters and people serve themselves.
Soup I ladle out and my kids serve, usually guests first, but very random (also, I ask who wants clear? Who wants kneidalach? And give to that person).
I dislike making a huge deal about hierarchy, especially gender and age. It was like that in my home, and left a bad taste in my mouth.
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thunderstorm




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jan 13 2019, 4:57 pm
Chickpea wrote:
Thank you imamothers for your help.You all gave me great advice. I feel terrible about not knowing the halacha and (unintentionally) disrespecting my dh. I already asked him machilah.
Btw, I always ask him if it's OK with him if I serve the guests first, and he always says it alright, but still....I was wrong.

I didn't even know it's a Halacha but it's something I always did . It's especially important for my kids to see that Totty always comes first. My DH will often not start eating until I'm served and sitting at the table. But I usually ask him to carry on without me and that I'm ok with it.
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amother




Powderblue


Post  Sun, Jan 13 2019, 5:06 pm
The only time I dont serve DH first is when my parents, in laws, or grandparents eat by us. They get served first as kibbud av.
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amother




Periwinkle


Post  Sun, Jan 13 2019, 5:14 pm
amother wrote:
The only time I dont serve DH first is when my parents, in laws, or grandparents eat by us. They get served first as kibbud av.


I heard that as a woman, your husband comes before your parents. Your kibbud av v'eim comes after your husband once you're married. Having my FIL is confusing, because my DH is obligated to give to his father first.
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Notsobusy




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jan 13 2019, 5:21 pm
amother wrote:
I heard that as a woman, your husband comes before your parents. Your kibbud av v'eim comes after your husband once you're married. Having my FIL is confusing, because my DH is obligated to give to his father first.


I've seen in some homes the wife serves her husband first, and he passes it to his father. Like this they both did their mitzvah.
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MrsDash




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jan 13 2019, 5:31 pm
amother wrote:
I heard that as a woman, your husband comes before your parents. Your kibbud av v'eim comes after your husband once you're married. Having my FIL is confusing, because my DH is obligated to give to his father first.


My husband would be very uncomfortable getting served before his or my parents.
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Raisin




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jan 13 2019, 5:43 pm
One reason I don't like individually serving. Anyway, even if I do, like soup, my husband passes his portion to someone else. He won't eat until all the guests are served. Plus he is usually helping me serve.

Nothing brings out my inner feminist more then when I eat by a family who serves this way and I am served 5th or 6th or whatever after all the men. Punch
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amother




Powderblue


Post  Sun, Jan 13 2019, 5:50 pm
Amother Periwinkle, when I serve my DH before our parents, he just passes his plate to his/my dad. He feels that its disrespectful to get served before our parents.
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Iymnok




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jan 13 2019, 5:54 pm
The best way, halachicly is to give to Dh and he passes ti his father or FIL. If both are there, he should pass to his father first.
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Ema of 4




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jan 13 2019, 5:59 pm
amother wrote:
I get the husband first (or wife!)
But why the oldest male first? Isnt this very archaic? Would you serve your husband's brother before your aunt, or your grandmother?

My in laws do this for kiddush, challa, and anything that is served individually (so soup, dessert, stuff like that) first they do all the men, then they do all the ladies. Guests outside of the family go before the kids.
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Ema of 4




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jan 13 2019, 6:10 pm
I don’t serve much individually, so it’s generally not an issue. Serving plates, platters, dishes, etc. get scattered across the whole table. My husband does not get served until I sit down, becasue he likes when I serve him.
When my parents or in laws are here, it is an unwritten rule between us that anything served individually will go to them first.
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Cheiny




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jan 13 2019, 7:14 pm
Chickpea wrote:
OK, so when we have Shabbos guests, I always serve the guests before I serve my husband, out of honor to the guests. They invariably take most of the meat out of the cholent, leaving my husband with minimal meat to eat. Who should be getting served first, guests or husband?


Absolutely your obligation is to serve your dh first.
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dancingqueen




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jan 13 2019, 7:59 pm
Ema of 4 wrote:
My in laws do this for kiddush, challa, and anything that is served individually (so soup, dessert, stuff like that) first they do all the men, then they do all the ladies. Guests outside of the family go before the kids.


Why? Because men are hungrier?? More worthy of being served first?
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Ema of 4




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jan 13 2019, 8:02 pm
dancingqueen wrote:
Why? Because men are hungrier?? More worthy of being served first?

I have no clue, it’s not what I do, nor is it how I was raised. They are the only ones I’ve seen do it.
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groisamomma




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jan 13 2019, 8:08 pm
My dh always gets served first. When my in-laws come over, I bring out both but put down dh's plate a second earlier than my FIL. Dh passes his plate to my MIL because FIL won't start eating until then anyway. Just like his father, my dh will never make hamotzi until every child down to the toddlers have washed and are back at the table. He also won't begin eating until I'm seated with my portion. He saw that in his parents' house. As for serving, after dh and his parents it's just a hodge-podge of whoever is sitting at the table vs playing around elsewhere. Usually no rhyme or reason.
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pizza4




 
 
 


Post  Sun, Jan 13 2019, 11:37 pm
I serve dh first, but really I walk in with 2 plates so he and the oldest guest will get at practically the same time. Then I go from oldest to youngest. For young children, sometimes I'll give them first, if they're at the table they need something to keep them there...
If you're serving from a serving dish, what my mil does is serve fil in a plate and the rest of guests serve themselves. Obviously if theres an older guest like a grandmother they also get served.
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Mothers




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jan 14 2019, 1:09 am
In our home, children are always instructed to bring the the first plate to “Totty.” Then the eldest guest (male or female). Platters are always placed in front of DH, with instructions to him to make sure everyone gets them - up to him to serve himself first or just pass on. If our parents are joining us, DH always serves them first.

DH will usually not start eating until I am seated with a portion, but if it is a hot food (e.g. soup, cholent, etc.) I usually ask him not to wait, so that the food will not get cold.

Bottom line - everyone gets treated with respect.
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DrMom




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jan 14 2019, 1:37 am
We serve guests first.
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krembo




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jan 14 2019, 5:12 am
I serve dh first, then adults in order of age. Then kids in order of age.

I feel it's basic derech eretz that a married couple should give each other first. When dh gives out kiddush, he gives me first right after himself; same with challah. The problem is he gets confused what to do when we have guests, and he usually gives to the guests first even though we've talked about it and he's agreed the proper thing is to give to the wife first. It bothers me.
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saw50st8




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jan 14 2019, 7:19 am
We usually serve guests first. Do all your husbands not help out?
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